


close to home

by cutaepatootae (elysian)



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Bullying, Canon Compliant, Coming of Age, Eventual Relationships, Feelings Realization, First Time, Huening Kai-Centric, Hurt/Comfort, I had to do it, Kissing, Lots of kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Unresolved Sexual Tension, a lot of hugging because why not, both boys are oblivious af, but they'll be okay i promise, deliciously awkward teenage banter, kind of like a sookai origins story, pre-debut fun times, side!vmin, sookai being bad at feelings, the slowest burn ever, their friendship is too beautiful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysian/pseuds/cutaepatootae
Summary: “Soooo,” Soobin says, and he sounds like he’s trying for casual but it just comes out sounding like he’s on the verge of a heart attack. “Who’d you dream about?”Kai nearly chokes on his grape juice. “Nothing!” he says. “No one!”(or: that sookai pre-debut to present-day origins fic no one asked for AKA pre-debut fun times, adolescent awkwardness & boys being 110% whipped for each other)
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 383
Kudos: 742





	1. a million miles away

**Author's Note:**

> OK let's be honest i started this in the hopes of writing a short, cute sookai origins fic, but i can never get enough sookai and i was hit by the slow burn condition and thus this friends-to-lovers fic was born
> 
> i've always been fascinated by sookai's pre-debut friendship — that they've only ever wanted and needed each other. the fact that they're so transparent about it now speaks volumes about how much they trust each other & i'm all for wholesome friendships!!! enjoy :-)

When Huening Kai first meets Soobin, it’s not exactly a meeting between two persons. It’s more of a collision.

One moment he’s opening the door and taking his first nervous step into the dance studio, looking around and thinking _this is it, this is the start of a new chapter_ , and the next thing he knows he has a face full of someone’s shirt and he can’t breathe.

“Hello,” Kai says awkwardly into the shirt, because his mother always taught him to be polite.

“He’s a _baby_ ,” whoever who’d collided into his person says, tightening their arms around his shoulders.

“Haha,” Kai says, because really, how does one respond to that?

His collision partner steps away, and Kai has to crane his head to get a good look at his face. He’s _tall_. Like, k-drama male lead kind of tall. He’s got eyes that crinkle when he smiles, and super deep dimples.

Kai doesn’t poke them, though his fingers twitch.

“Isn’t he adorable?” the boy announces, loud enough for the whole studio to hear, and now would be a good time for a hole to open up in the floor and swallow him whole because this is, like, the most embarrassing thing to have happened to Kai since he fudged his Big Hit auditions.

“You’re scaring him, Soobinie,” another trainee says. “Look at his face. He looks like he’s gonna puke or, like, have a heart attack.”

“You’re not gonna puke, are you?” the boy — Soobin — asks. “... Huening Kai? Right? Am I pronouncing it right?”

His pronunciation is a little off, but Kai nods nervously anyway. The other trainee had been slouched in the corner, playing with his phone. A few other trainees are practising on the other side of the room. They don’t make a move to acknowledge him. The studio’s wood-panelled walls gleam and the lights shine and he suddenly feels really, really small.

“— hello?” Soobin waves a hand in front of Kai’s face.

Kai flinches. “Sorry,” he stutters.

“No, no, don’t be sorry,” Soobin says, and then he’s wrapping an arm around his shoulders and ushering him into the studio. “I was just saying — my name’s Soobin. Call me hyung. Nice to meet you!”

There are those dimples again.

Kai ducks his head shyly. “Nice to meet you too,” he mumbles, and when Soobin sits down next to him on the floor, he doesn’t feel so small anymore.

—

The thing about being the newest (and youngest) trainee at Big Hit is that it’s really, really tough to make any friends. Peers around his age already have their own cliques; they sit in a closed circle during dance trainings and breeze rowdily in and out of vocal trainings. He doesn’t blame them. On the other hand, the older guys prefer to baby him. He doesn’t blame them either — he knows he’s young. But getting babied just makes him feel even smaller.

Among them all, however, one person stands out.

“Are you hungry, Huening Kai? Do you wanna grab food?” Soobin asks. “McDonald’s?”

Soobin... Soobin isn’t like the rest. Most times, he’s pretty quiet. He usually keeps to himself; not in the desperately lonely way Kai feels — the kind of lonely that aches and pulls — but in the confident manner of someone well-liked and self-assured.

And, for whatever reason, he seems to have taken a particular liking to Kai.

Kai doesn’t look up from packing his bag. It’s just past midnight and he still has a math assignment to finish for school tomorrow, so he’s in a pretty big rush to return to the dorm and get it completed. For the fourth time that week, he shakes his head and says: “I can’t. Sorry, Soobin-hyung.”

When he stands up, shouldering his bag and smiling apologetically, Soobin’s dimples aren’t there to greet him. But then they’re back in a heartbeat. “It’s okay,” he says. “Let’s go home together, then.”

Kai doesn’t know why the trainees all call the dorm “home”. He misses his real home sorely. He misses his sisters singing boisterously in the living room; he misses making kimbap with everyone in the quiet, golden afternoons; he misses falling asleep in his mom’s arms as he watches the colours from the TV screen play softly against his eyelids.

He wishes his sister had been able to join him in Big Hit. He wouldn’t be so lonely then.

“Okay,” Kai says, and something in his voice must give him away, because Soobin takes his hand and doesn’t let go the whole way back.

When Soobin holds their dorm’s front door open for him, Kai kind of gets why they call it home.

—

Kai is having a crisis.

Kai is good at many things. He knows this, because that’s what his friends at home have always envied him for, and what his sisters coo over him for, and what his mom humble-brags about every time she has her grown-up friends over for dinner. He has a pleasant singing voice, and he knows he’s musically talented (what can he say, his mom has never been one to hold back on compliments), but one thing he’s not good at is the type of dancing that’s expected of a Big Hit trainee.

It’s very... versatile. Versatile means being flexible — sometimes, in a very literal sense — and, well.

Kai’s stiff, wooden legs are in trouble.

This is how he ends up staying back in the studio after the last practice of the day, ducking his head and trying to blend into the wall so the other trainees don’t notice him on their way out, laughing boisterously and debating the merits of patbingsu versus bingsu in other flavours.

(Kai personally thinks patbingsu, being the OG bingsu, is the best).

He draws his legs in and tries very hard to project invisibility.

Soobin is one of the last ones out. He’s deep in conversation with Yeonjun, a striking trainee in both looks and talent. Kai’s seen the boards — Yeonjun is a household name. And Kai knows Yeonjun only got up there through a whole lot of hard work, despite being inherently talented. Yeonjun has all the looks to be an idol. His hair is always wickedly styled and he wears cool earrings like all the real idols. Everyone looks up to him — he’s the epitome of cool. Kai desperately wants to be like him.

They pass by him without a second glance.

Then he’s alone.

It’s been three weeks and the monthly evaluation’s coming up. They’ve been going at this particular dance routine non-stop and Kai is in deep, deep trouble. The moves are all just a little bit out of reach, in more ways than one (he can’t help being short, okay, it’s an unfortunate symptom of youth) and Kai — Kai’s under no illusions.

He’s young. He looks funny. He barely even looks Korean. He doesn’t fit in.

And if his dancing can’t cut it, then — well. Perhaps he’ll be going home a lot earlier than expected.

Kai shakes his head. Stands up.

Now’s not the time to think of such things. He’s gotta buck up. He’s gotta show his worth. He’s gotta get stretching, get back to practice, get back to being the best! The most talented! The —

“Huening Kai?”

Kai turns so fast he almost gives himself whiplash.

Soobin’s at the door, frowning.

“Hyung,” Kai says politely, for lack of anything else to say.

“Why didn’t you pick up your phone?” There’s an edge in Soobin’s voice, and Kai falters.

“S-sorry?” Kai takes a step back. “I was practising.”

“I was worried.” Soobin slips in, closes the door behind him. “I couldn’t find you.”

Soobin _noticed_.

It’s not that Soobin doesn’t notice him. He notices everyone. He’s a very observant person. He notices that Kai has a particular liking for bingsu and he notices that Kai struggles the most with math and he notices that Kai misses his family more than he’ll ever admit. It’s only been three weeks but already Soobin has consistently _been there_ for him — bringing him out to eat bingsu whenever he gets the chance (which, to be honest, has only happened about twice because middle school homework really sucks), helping him out with his math assignments in the living room at ungodly hours in the morning, and telling Kai stories about his own family whenever Kai really needs a distraction from missing his own.

So, yeah, Soobin has always been a good noticer. But then he’d gone and left with Yeonjun instead of walking back with Kai and — and —

And it’s in the middle of this train of thought that Kai, horribly, starts crying.

He quickly turns around, because it seems like his whole life consists of one embarrassing moment after another and he’s not about to make yet another. If he blinks his eyes fast enough, maybe the tears will evaporate.

It doesn’t work.

His vision’s so blurry that he doesn’t notice Soobin approaching until he’s enveloped by his stupidly long arms. His face is mushed into Soobin’s shirt again. It’s all damp with sweat, which, ew, gross — but it’s also slowly but surely getting soaked.

“Hey,” Soobin says softly, and his voice sounds all floaty, somewhere in the direction of _up-there_ , because Kai is tiny and Soobin is tall and Kai aches. “Why’re you crying?”

“I’m not crying,” Kai mumbles, arms hanging stiff by his sides.

“Okay, sorry.” Soobin does a very good job at sounding convincing. “Why are your eyeballs leaking all over my shirt?”

Kai doesn’t answer; he just takes a deep, steadying breath and tries to step away, step back, because Soobin is nice but there’s a limit to everyone’s niceness. No one wants to be stuck with the job of taking care of the crybaby (even if Soobin’s doing an excellent job at it). What if Soobin sees him in a different light? Kai has tried so hard to act older (he’s too young), act stronger (he’s too small, too weak), act assured of his place here in Big Hit (he got in through a _connection_ and he’d totally bungled his audition so he definitely only got in through some form of higher intervention and luck).

Soobin’s nice, but Kai doesn’t trust his niceness. He’s too nice. And people are only nice because they want something from him — like a song, a performance, a perfect rendition of their favourite classical piece. Surely no one’s nice for the sake of being nice, especially not in this industry.

The feeling cascades like a tidal wave. Kai doesn’t belong here.

He’s going to botch his very first evaluation and then it’s good-bye.

Soobin only hugs him tighter.

“What’s wrong?” Soobin’s chest vibrates when he talks. He sounds soft. Fond. Worried. He sounds like home. Kai hiccups. “You can tell me. It’s okay.” Then, eerily, as though he read Kai’s mind: “Is it next week’s evals?”

“... yeah.” Against his wishes, Kai shudders. He aches to return the hug, but he’s scared.

“My first evals,” Soobin says, “was a shit show. Oh my god, sorry! Pretend you didn’t hear that. I mean — it was terrible. I forgot a line and I fell. Like, on my butt. And I tried to pick myself up to continue the routine? But then my shoelaces came untied and I stepped on my own laces and I fell. Again. I thought that was it. I really thought I was going home.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Nope. I’ll tell you a secret, but promise not to tell anyone else, ‘kay?”

Kai nods into Soobin’s shirt.

“Big Hit doesn’t send you home even if you flunk your first eval.” Soobin pats Kai’s back. “It’s not just me. It happened to, like, six other trainees. Everyone blows their first eval, it’s like a rite of induction into the company. The judges know what it’s like; they like to give us the benefit of the doubt. So don’t worry too much. Just be yourself and have fun. You’re already good enough — keep telling yourself that, okay? Even if you have to force yourself to say it in front of the mirror or whatever, which... I may or may not do. I’m just saying, whatever works, you know?”

Kai giggles, and Soobin steps away, holding Kai by his shoulders.

“Now,” Soobin says sagely, laughter bright in his eyes, “I may not be the best dancer, but at least I’ve mastered the art of not tripping over my shoelaces. What do you need help with?”

—

They set up their own little routine.

Every night, after practice ends for the day, Soobin helps Kai with the choreography. Kai accepts it gladly. For what it’s worth, Soobin is a powerful dancer; he might not be as clean as Yeonjun but he executes the moves nicely with just the right amount of power, which is impressive for someone that _long_. For all his power, Soobin is extraordinarily gentle, and kind, and understanding, and this is how Kai ends up standing in front of the French bakery near school the day before evals, stressing over the array of options laid out in front of him.

If he gets the chocolate croissant, Soobin might find it too flaky. But if he gets the shortbread, Soobin might find it too dry. Oh, god. This is harder than all his math assignments rolled into one.

“You can’t go wrong with donuts, sweetie,” the lady behind the cashier says kindly.

Kai startles. “Haha!” he says, knee-jerk, then nods and fishes out his wallet.

“Eat it while it’s still hot!” the lady calls after him as he exits the bakery, and Kai flashes her a sheepish grin.

It’s a beautiful day. Summer is transiting into autumn; the late afternoon sunlight dances on the trees and lights its leaves into hues of golden red orange. The breeze makes him light on his feet. Normally, Kai would head straight to the dance studio after school, so he can get a head-start on practice, but today he heads to the dorm instead, knowing full-well that Soobin‘s taking his afternoon nap during the one-hour break between vocal and dance trainings. 

He’s about to push open the front door, which had been left slightly ajar, when his name, muted and pronounced weird, drifts out from the other side of the door.

“Nah, Huening Kai won‘t make it,” someone says, mocking.

Someone else laughs. “But he still sings better than you.”

The first speaker splutters. “He just has a wider range, and that’s because he’s young.”

“He’s literally only one year younger than us.”

A third voice winds in. “Seriously though, mixed-bloods are risky. He won’t make it. I’m sure of it.”

Something twists in Kai’s stomach, sharp and cutting.

“Yeah, that’s true. But hey — what about Jisoon? His vocal range is non-existent, I don’t know how he made it this far.”

The trainees move on to their next victim of interest, and Kai sort of feels like the paper bag he’d been clutching in his hands, crumpled and deflated and sad. He debates just leaving, heading straight to the dance studio like he normally does. He can’t bear to walk in, walk under their cutting gazes, because the truth is: they’re not unwarranted in their comments. Everything they said is true, and Kai hates that.

But.

_Big Hit doesn’t send you home even if you flunk your first eval._

Soobin’s older, and cooler, and has been here longer than most. (Except for Yeonjun. He might as well be a dinosaur, albeit a very cool one). Soobin knows what he’s saying. These trainees don’t. He _won’t_ be kicked out. Not now; not so soon.

Kai steps out of his shoes with vengeance.

Also, the donut’s getting cold, so he _has_ to give it to Soobin now.

It’s for this reason that Kai walks into dorm, head held high, donuts grasped purposefully in his hand. He breezes past the three trainees, who go very, very silent, and into Soobin’s room — the hyung room, because that’s where all the older boys sleep. He closes the door quietly and feels pretty cool about himself.

Soobin’s room is dark and quiet, save for Soobin’s sleepy breaths.

“Hyung,” Kai whispers into the crisp blanket of silence. The A/C hums in the background, and a single ray of sunlight streaks through the gap between the curtains, landing on Soobin, curled on his side, and illuminating him in gold.

Soobin makes an unintelligible grunt.

“Hyung,” Kai tries again, sitting on Soobin’s bed and poking him in the shoulder. “Wake up.”

“What’re’you’doin’here,” Soobin slurs, cracking open an eye. “School?”

“Just ended,” Kai says. “I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.” He may or may not have said that last bit a little too loudly.

He is so uncool.

“Hmm?” Soobin says, rubbing his eyes. Slowly, like he’s in water, Soobin sits up. He hits his head on the upper bunk. “Ow, fuck.”

For a moment, they stare at each other.

“I mean. Fudge! Oh my god. I’ve ruined your innocence forever. I’m so _sorry_ you didn’t hear that —“

“Fuck,” Kai parrots, just to be annoying.

“No!” Soobin says, slapping a hand over Kai’s mouth. “Nonono this is a nightmare —“ he pauses, sniffs the air, “— what’s that? Do you smell that? Am I dreaming?”

“I’brough’you’d’nuts,” Kai tries to say.

“You what now?” Soobin removes his hand.

“I brought you donuts.” Kai holds up the paper bag and gives it an awkward shake. It rustles. “Eat it while it’s hot?”

Soobin looks at the paper bag, then at Kai’s face, then back down at the paper bag, stunned. Then he does something horrible.

He pinches Kai’s cheek.

Ugh, he didn’t sign up for this.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Soobin coos, throwing his arms around Kai. “You’re so _cute_ , you bought me donuts? Just for me?”

“... yes?” Kai squirms.

Soobin plucks the paper bag from Kai’s fingers. “What’s the special occasion?”

“... nothing.” Kai ducks his head, cheeks flaming, and twists his fingers in Soobin’s bedsheets. “Just, thank you.” He steals a glance from the side of his eyes.

Soobin’s already mid-bite, frosting falling out of his mouth. “What for?”

“... nothing.” This is so embarrassing. Kai’s never buying Soobin donuts ever again.

“Aww, you love me!” Soobin, the monster, has already devoured the entire donut. He’s back at it again, hugging Kai, throwing his whole body into it. It’s a lot to handle, considering Kai’s, like, two heads shorter than Soobin.

“I can’t breathe,” Kai whines, but he shyly wraps his arms around Soobin and returns the hug for a split-second. Then he jumps away, because, wow, awkward.

Soobin releases Kai from his smother.

“Thank you, Huening Kai,” Soobin says, and now it’s his turn to look shy.

“You can call me Kai,” Kai mumbles. “Also, I know I should have said earlier, but it’s actually pronounced _hyoo_ - _ning_.”

“Ya.” Soobin whacks him playfully. “How dare you let me mispronounce your name for a whole month?”

Kai lets out a laugh, a sharp burst. “Sorry, hyung.”

“It’s okay,” Soobin says, taking out another donut. He offers it to Kai. “Want a bite? Last chance, before I inhale everything.”

“It’s for you.” Kai pushes Soobin’s hand away.

“And now I’m saying it’s for _you_.” Soobin doesn’t budge. “Come on, take it, I’d be a shit — I mean, bad! — hyung if I eat it all.”

Kai lets Soobin feed him a bite of donut. “Not at all,” he says quietly, and returns the slow, affectionate smile that Soobin throws him, golden and bright like the leaves outside.


	2. property of soobin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No ice cream,” Soobin says. “It’s in the pantry fridge with a label that says “PROPERTY OF SOOBIN, DO NOT TOUCH” if you want some tomorrow.“ His chest does that rumbly thing again. Kai nestles in close, tucks his head under Soobin’s chin. It feels like home, like falling asleep in his mom’s arms while watching TV, like drowsy piggybacks on his dad after a long, sleepy car ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said i'd update this weekly but i've been on a massive writing spree so here's chapter 2!!! 
> 
> this chapter spans about 1.5 years! sookai become BFFs and i can't be any happier

Huening Kai’s first evals go well. So do his second. His third and fourth evals blur together, and by the time his fifth eval rolls around, Kai’s no longer scared.

“How’d it go?” Soobin jumps up from where he’d been waiting for Kai, bounding over like a terrifyingly huge human being. Anyone else would have shied away, but Kai’s used to it by now.

He lets Soobin throw an arm around his shoulders and barely bats an eye.

“Okay,” Kai says. His voice had cracked a little in the second chorus, but he’s proud of his dancing. He’s come a long way, from late night frustrations sitting in the dance studio hitting Soobin morosely on the chest as he drowns in his own self-hatred, to their chill late night dance sessions now. Sometimes, when they’re particularly bored of the newest dance routine, he and Soobin challenge each other to see who can learn the newest girl group dances fastest. He pretends to hate it, but Soobin’s enthusiasm is catching.

“We should celebrate,” Soobin says excitedly, clapping a hand on Kai’s back as they make their way to the exit. “Today marks half a year for you, right? I’m so proud of you my Hueningie!”

Soobin’s developed an irritating habit of calling him Hueningie and drawing out the first syllable when he’s feeling particularly affectionate. Kai thinks it’s a months-long jibe at him for not correcting Soobin’s pronunciation of his name, so he tolerates it.

“BBQ?” Kai suggests. He bundles his scarf around his neck and ducks out. The cold slaps him in the face. It’s frigid out. The skies had taken a huge snowy dump all over Seoul last night, so the streets are coated in white and every breath he takes comes out coated in frost. Perfect BBQ weather.

“Ooh,” Soobin says. “Stone paper scissors, loser grills.”

“Hyung,” Kai whines. “You’re older than me, it’s your responsibility to provide for me.”

“And it’s your responsibility to respect your elders.”

“I’m respecting you by letting you cook for me! Just think about what other people would think — an older, teenaged boy, bullying young innocent me into doing all the hard work —“

His tirade is interrupted by Soobin stopping dead in the middle of the sidewalk and pulling him into a headlock. “I’ll show you bullying,” Soobin declares, and knuckles him on the head.

Kai squeaks and hits Soobin in the tummy.

“I’m reporting you for child abuse!” Kai says.

“Reporting to who? Your mom?”

“Don’t underestimate my mom!”

“Yeah, sorry, your mom’s pretty cool. I wish my mom could be as cool as your mom.”

“You wish you could be as cool as _me_ ,” Kai splutters, wriggling out of Soobin’s grasp and making a run for it.

“Did you just call yourself cool?” Soobin hollers after him. Kai doesn’t have to look to know Soobin’s charging after him.

“Super cool,” Kai laughs breathlessly, his backpack bouncing up and down on his back. His legs are short but he’s fast and has better endurance, so he takes pity on Soobin and, abruptly, comes to a halt.

Soobin slams into his back, and they go sprawling on the icy sidewalk. Someone honks.

“Ow, hyung, your elbow’s in my face,” Kai says.

“That’s what you get for being disrespectful,” Soobin tells Kai, but he’s clambering up and proffering a hand.

Kai, disrespectfully, doesn’t take Soobin’s hand. He stands up and sticks out his tongue.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Soobin messes with Kai’s hair.

“ _You’re lucky you’re cute_ ,” Kai parrots.

“Oh? You think hyung is cute?”

Kai immediately feels his cheeks flame. “Ew, no,” he says.

“Admit it,” Soobin coos, taking Kai’s hand. His hand is warm. Everything about Soobin is warm. Kai huddles closer and pretends he’s not doing it on purpose. “Hyung is super cute.”

“You’re too tall to be cute,” Kai tells Soobin.

“Excuse me! That’s height discrimination.”

They finally reach the BBQ place, and Soobin turns to give Kai a dusting down, brushing the leftover snow from when Soobin had pretty much tackled him into the ground. Kai tries to do the same but ends up rubbing Soobin’s tummy. It’s warm and soft and nice to touch. It reminds him of home.

“Why do you do that?” Soobin asks him curiously, after they’ve found their seats and ordered.

“Do what?” Kai eyes the kimchi on the table.

“Rub my tummy.”

Kai forgets all about the kimchi. His cheeks are probably the colour of kimchi.

“Ah, well.” Well, this is embarrassing! “Well, I — well.”

“Well done, Hueningie, very well spoken.” Soobin’s eyes do that thing where they speak volumes about exactly what Soobin’s thinking.

“Shut up!” Kai says. “I just — I used to have this pillow, when I was a kid —“

“You’re still a kid.”

“Do you want to listen to me or not?”

“Someone’s mouthy today.”

“Okay, I’m not gonna tell you then.”

“ _Okay, I’m not gonna tell you then_.” Soobin repeats, scrunching his nose in his _I’m-trying-to-annoy-you-am-I-succeeding?_ expression that Kai has unwillingly been the victim of too many times over the past few months. 

Kai swipes the kimchi first.

Soobin gasps. “The disrespect! No _hyung, please eat_?”

Kai sticks out a kimchi-ridden tongue.

“Children these days.” Soobin tackles Kai’s chopsticks with his own, pushing them away from the kimchi.

Well, then. If this is how Soobin wants to play it, he’ll play it.

They launch into a chopstick-battle. Kai thinks he might have screeched a few times — but the restaurant is so noisy, he’s pretty sure no one can hear him. Right? (He pretends he doesn’t see the table side-eyeing them on their left).

“Boys,” a waitress chirps, holding a platter of meat, and he and Soobin guiltily put their chopsticks down. “Enjoy!”

It’s meat-galore. Kai bullies Soobin into grilling the meat with the promise of treating him to more pastries from the French bakery outside his school. Soobin’s never been one to say no to him, and, well.

After half a year, Kai knows exactly what kind of pastries Soobin likes.

After half a year, Kai knows exactly how to push all the right buttons.

And after half a year, Kai realises exactly how nice Soobin is. He is, genuinely, whole-heartedly, sincerely Nice with a capital N. He’s not just any kind of normal person nice. He’s a Soobin kind of nice.

He’s Kai’s favourite kind of nice.

—

They completely forget the awkward topic of Kai’s weird tummy-rubbing habit until winter turns to spring, and school starts again in earnest.

“Hyung.” Kai turns on his aegyo, makes his eyes as big and imploring as he can. “Ice cream?”

Soobin’s sprawled on the couch of the vocal training studio, playing a game on his phone. Today was vocal training day. True to habit, they’d decided to stay back to continue working on their singing, but — also true to habit — they’d ended up lounging around and not doing anything in particular.

Procrastination is a craft both he and Soobin have become experts in.

Anyway, both their vocal chords are overworked and their throats are scratchy, so naturally ice cream makes the perfect antidote.

Soobin’s ears visibly perk up. “Ooh. Chocolate?”

Chocolate’s basically the best ice cream flavour out there (second to mint chocolate, but the last time he tried to prove this point to Soobin he’d ended up with mint chocolate ice cream down his shirt and he’d much rather not relive that particular incident), so Kai gives an affirmative _mmhm!_ and says: “Thanks for the treat!”

“Hang on —“

“I’m sooooo tired,” Kai continues, and fakes a yawn, squeezing his eyes shut. “You’re buying, right? I’ll stay here and make sure no one steals the room.”

“... you’re lucky you’re cute.”

“You too, hyung.” 

Kai doesn’t have to open his eyes to know Soobin’s rolling his.

When Soobin leaves, Kai gets up from his chair and sprawls on the same couch Soobin had been on. It’s nice and warm, just like the rest of Soobin. If Kai breathes in deep enough, he can still smell a little bit of Soobin.

It’s comforting.

Kai lets his eyes slide close. This time, when Kai yawns, it isn’t faked. He really is tired. This year’s syllabus really isn’t sitting well with him and homework’s a pain in the ass. Juggling regular trainings, school, homework _and_ extra trainings with Soobin is fun, yeah, adrenaline-filled and exciting and everything he associates with wanting to be an idol, but.

It’s also plain exhausting.

Kai’s just... really... tired...

The next time he opens his eyes, it’s dark. The first thing he notices is Soobin’s scent, familiar, comforting. Close. Soobin’s always smelled nice, like fresh laundry and body wash.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Soobin’s voice floats through the dark, from the general vicinity of above Kai’s head.

“Wha-?” Kai rubs the sleep from his eyes. He’s lying on his side, facing Soobin, who seems to have conveniently invited himself onto the same couch. Soobin wraps an arm around his waist and cuddles in close, sticking cold fingers up his back. Kai squirms. “Wha’s’goin’on? Ice cream?”

“No ice cream,” Soobin says. “It’s in the pantry fridge with a label that says “PROPERTY OF SOOBIN, DO NOT TOUCH” if you want some tomorrow.“ His chest does that rumbly thing again. Kai nestles in close, tucks his head under Soobin’s chin. It feels like home, like falling asleep in his mom’s arms while watching TV, like drowsy piggybacks on his dad after a long, sleepy car ride.

“Hmm.” Kai nuzzles Soobin’s shirt. His stomach perks at the sound of ice cream, but the rest of his body stays glued to the couch. No matter how appealing ice cream sounds, moving his limbs out of their horizontal positions feels extremely unappealing.

He’s so comfortable, so _familiar_ , that he doesn’t realise he’s rubbing Soobin’s tummy again until Soobin giggles and says: “That’s ticklish.”

His hand stills. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, you can continue.”

“Nah, I won’t.”

“You sure, Hueningie?” Soobin’s voice takes on a teasing lilt. “I’m all yours.”

“You’re so gross, hyung.”

“Because you’re too cute,” Soobin coos.

“I know. I’m the cutest.”

“You’re doing it again. Rubbing my tummy. Why do you do that?”

“...”

“Come on, you can tell me. Promise I won’t tease you.”

“You’re already teasing me.”

“Okay, sorry, let me put on my Serious Voice.” Soobin clears his throat. “Huening Kamal Kai, kindly explain your... interesting habit of rubbing unsuspecting tummies. Thank you.”

“How’s that not teasing?”

“What do you want from me, you brat?”

Kai takes a moment to think. “Help me with my homework everyday.”

“Kai. I already do that.”

“Yeah, well. Promise me?”

Soobin’s voice goes fond. “Of course. I promise.”

Kai spreads his fingers on Soobin’s tummy. It’s soft. Kind of feels a little like cookie dough. Different from his dad’s, but still nice.

“I used to have this pillow,” Kai starts reluctantly. “It was my favourite pillow — like, my security blanket, you know? I carried it around with me _everywhere_. But it got lost when we moved to China. I was soooo sad. It was tragic. I cried for days.” Soobin snorts. “So, my dad, he got me to hug his tummy instead. It was really big and soft and nice to cuddle. And I guess that’s how the habit started. I just — I guess it happens with family. With people I love.”

There’s a pregnant pause. Kai holds his breath.

Soobin finally speaks, a smirk colouring his words. “So you love me?”

Kai pinches Soobin’s tummy.

“Ow!”

“Serves you right.”

Another silence.

“Thank you,” Soobin suddenly says, sounding thoughtful, his words dancing in the space between them. “For being my best friend.”

Kai’s ears burn. He opens his mouth. Closes it. He can’t quite find the right words to say.

“Ya,” Soobin says, poking Kai in the tummy too. “Are you just going to ignore me? No heartfelt _you’re my best friend too_?”

“YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND TOO,” Kai repeats, too loud.

“Wow, okay.” Soobin sounds amused. “Thanks for the enthusiasm.”

This is so sappy. Kai feels all watery, like he’s melting and leaking feelings everywhere. They need a topic change ASAP.

“Wake me up for school tomorrow?” Kai mumbles. He thinks about his crumpled school uniform for the day, stuffed in the bottom of his bag. It’s not that dirty. He can probably get away with wearing it a second time. He yawns. “7am?”

“Yeah, I’ll wake you,” Soobin says, voice soft and affectionate. “Good night, Hueningie.”

“Good night, hyung.”

And Kai lets himself drift away, cushioned between the couch and Soobin’s warmth.

—

“Don’t you think,” Soobin says, brandishing his phone and nearly spewing bits of his double cheeseburger, no pickles, everywhere, “girls are the worst texters?”

“You’re just as bad,” Kai points out, gnawing on a french fry. They’re taking their regular post-prac supper at the 24-hour McDonald’s near Big Hit. It’s a 15-min bus ride away but they’ve both agreed that McDonald’s is well worth every minute.

“Am _not_ ,” Soobin protests, waving his phone in front of Kai’s face. “Look, I reply you almost instantaneously.”

“... that’s because we only ever text each other during English lessons when you literally have nothing else to do but disturb me with dog memes.”

“Yeah, well, English lessons are boooring.”

Kai bats Soobin’s phone away from his face. “Who’s the new girl? How many girls are you even texting now?”

Soobin shrugs. “Two? Three? But it’s nothing serious. We’re all just friends.”

“ _Just friends_ ,” Kai mimics, taking an aggressive bite of his own double quarter pounder. Extra pickles. “You’re such a player, hyung.”

“You wish you had as much game as me.” Soobin has an annoyingly smug expression planted on his face, the one that makes his lips curl up at the outer corners just so. Kai resists the urge to throw a pickle at him.

“Please. At least I don’t go around sliding into random girls’ DMs.”

“I slide into your DMs too.”

“...”

“Maybe you should start, you know. Dating. Quickly, before we become idols and can’t date anymore.”

Kai laughs. “Not interested,” he says. He really isn’t.

“I got my first girlfriend at your age.” Soobin points a soggy fry at him. “Aren’t there any pretty girls in school? You can tell hyung, I’ll give you advice.”

Honestly, no. Kai shakes his head.

Soobin shrugs. “Oh, well. It’s different for everyone.” He leans in secretively. “Yeonjun-hyung only started dating last year.”

Kai almost chokes on a pickle. “But he’s, like —“

“Super cool? Yeah. I know. You’d think he’d be going through girls like a catalogue, but he’s really only ever been with this one girl for, like, eight months now, I think. Yeonjun-hyung’s cool.”

“Meanwhile...” Kai trails off and lets the silence speak for itself.

Soobin throws a tissue at him. “I didn’t raise you to be a hater!”

“We’ve literally only known each other a year.”

“A year of me raising you, my Hueningie,” Soobin coos obnoxiously. “Who helps you pass your math exams, huh? Huh? Who tucks you into bed every night?” Kai opens his mouth to say _we don’t even sleep in a bed because we usually sleep together on the couch these days, what are you on about_ , but Soobin barrels on: “Who wakes you up every morning for school? Who buys you dinner when you’re too busy with homework? Huh? You tell me.”

“How about you have this conversation with my mom,” Kai says instead.

Soobin pouts. “You’re no fun.”

“You love me.” Kai gives Soobin his best aegyo eyes.

“I’m officially requesting a transfer.” Soobin finishes the last of his cheese burger and picks up his phone. “Ooh, she replied.”

“What’d she say?”

“She says...” Soobin looks up from his phone, surprised. “She says she wants to meet.”

—

Her name’s Mijung. She’s a trainee at JYP Entertainment. She has super long legs, soft flowy hair, natural double eyelids and is, in general, a bombshell — both in looks and in personality.

Kai, irrationally, loves and hates her.

“Hyung,” he whines, poking Soobin’s tummy. “Stop texting, it’s time to sleep.”

“Go to sleep, then,” Soobin says distractedly. He’s been texting Mijung for the past twenty minutes. Over the three months since Soobin and Mijung had become “official” — not counting the one month they skirted around each other and drove Kai up the wall — Kai’s met Mijung enough times to know she’s a great girl; she deserves all the quality time Soobin can give her. So he’s fine with Soobin missing their post-practice suppers to go out with Mijung. He’s fine with Soobin disappearing over the weekends to hang with her.

But he’s not fine with Mijung stealing Soobin’s attention from him. Not when it’s Kai-and-Soobin time, and Kai’s wedged between the couch and Soobin texting his stupid girlfriend.

“I can’t,” Kai says. “Your phone screen’s too bright.”

“Turn around and face the other side.”

Kai pouts into the darkness. It’s that time of the month again, the week leading up to their monthly evals, so most nights he and Soobin just crash in the studio instead of heading back to dorm. It’s just faster. No fighting for the showers. No fighting for personal privacy.

He tries a different tactic.

“Hyung?” Kai says, right after Soobin sends off a text. “Do you think I’ll make it?”

“Hm?” Soobin’s attention finally slides to him. “What do you mean?”

“Do you think I’ll be selected? To debut?”

Rumours have it that Bang PD-nim’s preparing to begin selections for the next boy band. Everyone’s more on edge than usual. The jibes come hard and fast during dance practices, especially when Kai makes a mistake (which happens far too often than he’s happy with). Kai isn’t oblivious; he knows some of the boys still talk about how weird he looks behind his back. But he isn’t worried about that (at least, it’s not his biggest worry).

Kai isn’t outstanding in any way. He doesn’t have Yeonjun’s master-of-all-trades appeal, or Soobin’s strong falsetto. Perhaps the only trick he has up his sleeve is his exotic face and ever-increasing height — but that doesn’t really help. And his evals results show as much. As it stands, he’s been on a slow decline from above average to slightly below average over the past few months.

So, yeah. Kai’s concerned.

“Of course you will,” Soobin says, sounding bewildered. His phone buzzes, but he ignores it. “If anything, I’d pin you and Yeonjunie as the two most likely to be selected.”

Kai blinks, surprised by the honesty in Soobin’s voice.

“What?” he asks. “Why?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Soobin teases.

“Serious question, hyung.”

Soobin pauses. “You’re an amazing singer. You have perfect pitch and you can literally play any song by ear. You pick up choreographies so fast, it’s annoying. And you look like _that_ —“ Soft fingers poke his cheek. “— so cute. So pretty. How could they not choose you?”

Soobin’s voice is like melted chocolate, warm and honeyed. It winds straight into Kai’s heart. Kai feels all leaky with feelings again.

“Don’t you think I look weird?” Kai asks softly. He hasn’t broached this topic before. Ever. Sometimes he looks in the mirror and wishes he didn’t look so different. Wishes his nose was less sharp, that his eyes were less deep-set.

“What do you mean, weird?” Soobin puts his phone away, finally, and shifts on the couch so they’re facing each other.

“You know. Different.”

“Difference doesn’t equate weirdness,” Soobin says, an unfamiliar quality to his voice. “It’s what sets you apart, makes you special. You’re so special, Huening-ah. Don’t you forget that.”

“The other trainees say I look weird,” Kai mumbles.

“What? Who?”

“Just some of them.”

“Tell me who so I can accidentally hit them during dance practice with my overly long arms.”

Kai snorts. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It _matters_.” Soobin takes Kai’s hand in his own, twines their fingers together. “Hey. They’re just jealous. Hueningie. Do you trust me?”

Does he? Of course.

Kai nods.

“You’re the loveliest person I’ve ever met.”

 _Lovelier than Mijung?_ Kai doesn’t say. He just squeezes Soobin’s fingers, says: “You too, hyung”, and snuggles in close, breathing in the familiar scent of Soobin.

It smells like home.


	3. elephant in the room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Soooo,” Soobin says, and he sounds like he’s trying for casual but it just comes out sounding like he’s on the verge of a heart attack. “Who’d you dream about?”
> 
> Kai nearly chokes on his grape juice.
> 
> “Nothing!” Kai says. “No one!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET THE SLOW BURN (& tiny smidgens of angst) BEGIN!!! puberty hits kai real hard in this chapter, poor baby boy 
> 
> heads up — some minor (!) violence & bullying in the middle of this chapter! 
> 
> enjoy! <3

The unthinkable happens.

For the first time in one year and three months, Huening Kai makes it to top three.

He can’t believe his eyes. There it is, his name spelled in full: KAI KAMAL HUENING, typed neatly beneath CHOI YEONJUN, for the singing category.

He stares at the scoreboard.

Then he turns to stare at Soobin, who, predictably, is already staring at him, eyes wide and cheeks dimpled.

“What did I tell you?” Soobin breathes, and throws his arms around Kai’s neck. Kai slips his arms around Soobin’s waist, squeezes him tight. His cheeks hurt from smiling. “Congratulations. I knew you could do it.”

Soobin pulls away slightly, so he can look Kai in the eyes. They’re close, bodies pressed warm at the hips, and Kai flushes hot.

Soobin presses their foreheads together, and all of a sudden everything is too much, too close, too confusing. Have Soobin’s lips always been this pretty? “You’re so lovely,” Soobin says. “You deserve it.”

Kai can feel Soobin’s breath on his lips. His heart’s thudding so hard it feels like his entire body’s shaking.

“Hyung?” Kai whispers, bewildered, and then — then he’s jostled awake.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.” Soobin’s voice has a floaty quality to it. Someone’s shaking him by the shoulder. It’s probably real-life-Soobin.

Kai doesn’t want to wake up. He wants to go back, wants to feel dream-Soobin on his lips. He burns with curiosity, burns with a feeling he can’t name.

“Go‘way, hyung,” Kai mumbles, and turns around, away from Soobin.

“You’re late,” Soobin says, shaking him again.

Kai just grunts and squeezes his eyes shut. He’s chasing dream-Soobin, following him to the edge of his consciousness, eyes soft and lips curved in a kiss.

“Hueningie,” Soobin’s voice pierces through the fog, and dream-Soobin dissipates. “Come on, you have to go to school.”

“No,” Kai murmurs. “Don’t wanna.” He can still feel the ghost of Soobin’s breath on his lips, and something in his chest aches.

“You’re impossible,” Soobin says, sounding impatient. “What’s up with you today?”

Kai doesn’t answer. He’s slipping in and out of consciousness, slipping in and out of dream-Soobin’s embrace.

“I’m leaving,” real-Soobin declares, poking Kai in the cheek. “If you’re late for school, don’t blame me. Ya. You’re insufferable.”

Kai groans, rolls around, reaches out for Soobin (both, he wants both). The dream fades, and then he’s alone.

It takes him awhile to fully wake up and come to his senses.

“What the fuck,” he whispers, and is half-glad and half-disappointed that Soobin isn’t there to freak out over his choice of words.

—

**Kai <3**

hey

sorry hyung

was dreaming, couldn’t wake

i’m up now!!!

don’t be mad :-(((

🐰 **hyung**

I’m not mad. Have a good day at school

Send me dog memes!!!

—

In reality, Kai doesn’t make it to top three. He does get fifth for singing and sixth for dance, though, which isn’t too shabby.

But it’s not good enough.

He’ll never be good enough. In that moment, he hates himself. Hates his subconscious for lifting his hopes. Hates that he can‘t stop thinking about that dream, even after two weeks.

(Hates that some part of him inexplicably wants it to be true).

Soobin’s peering at the scoreboard from behind him, arms wrapped loosely around his waist.

“Good job, hyung,” Kai manages. CHOI SOOBIN is printed neatly on the scoreboard — fourth for singing and dance. He’s consistently in third or fourth place; he’s dependable like that. He’s good. Better than Kai.

“Let’s just hope Bang PD-nim isn’t planning a three-member boy band,” Soobin muses.

A thought strikes Kai. “What if he selects you and not me?”

“I‘ll never debut without you,” Soobin declares.

The thought is consoling.

“Aww.” Kai wraps his arms around Soobin’s arms wrapped around his waist, leans back into Soobin’s embrace. “What’re you gonna do, reject him?”

“I’ll tell him we’re a package deal,” Soobin says obstinately. “Buy me get one Kai. And vice versa.”

“Not sure how I feel about being positioned as a buy one get one free,” Kai says. Something must show in his voice, because Soobin’s suddenly ducking down to look at him, shuffling closer into their back hug.

“You okay?” Soobin’s voice is gentle.

The practice room door bursts open and a bunch of trainees spill out. Kai flinches, jerks away from Soobin’s embrace.

“Yeah,” he says, not looking at Soobin.

“You sure?” Soobin’s arms are still outstretched, reaching out for Kai. His features are arranged in a frown and Kai hates that, hates himself for making Soobin look like that.

“Yeah, hyung,” Kai chirps brightly. Plants a big smile on his face. “Let’s go celebrate!”

Judging from his face, Soobin clearly doesn’t believe him. But he follows along anyway.

Their idea of a good time is raiding the convenience store for snacks, hiding out in one of the small lounges in Big Hit and watching Netflix. Mijung texts every once in a while, but she must be busy with something because she isn’t sending a never-ending barrage of texts to Soobin, so, for the most part, Kai’s got Soobin to himself.

They’ve just finished binging the first three episodes of Man to Man and five sticks of corn ice cream when Kai suddenly blurts, unable to contain himself: “Do you ever have dreams?”

Soobin’s about to press play for Episode 4 — he doesn’t. “Dreams?”

“Yeah, like... dreams about Mijung. And stuff.”

Soobin’s eyebrows shoot up. “Like... _that_ kind of dream?”

Kai isn’t too sure what “that kind of dream” refers to, but he takes a gamble. “Yeah?” he says, trying to sound confident.

He didn’t think it was possible for Soobin’s eyebrows to go up any higher but they do. At this point, they’ve almost disappeared into Soobin’s hairline.

“Are you having _that_ kind of dream?” Soobin asks carefully, and Kai has a very bad feeling about this.

“Maybe?” he tries.

Soobin’s face makes, like, five different expressions at once.

“...no, I don’t,” Soobin finally says. “Not about Mijung, no. But, you know, this is a completely normal part of life! You don’t need to feel embarrassed! It used to happen to me all the time too! Before I met Mijung! But now, we’re — we’re taking it slow!”

Kai has no idea why Soobin’s speaking in exclamation marks.

It makes sense, he supposes. Soobin wouldn’t need to be dreaming about kissing Mijung if he’s already got the real deal in real life. Then he makes the mistake of thinking about Soobin kissing Mijung, pretty lips wet and pink, strong arms wrapped around her waist like earlier with Kai in the hallway.

Then he tries not to think at all.

He’s so focused on wiping his brain from the floor, he almost misses Soobin going: “Do you need to talk about it?”

“No!” Kai says, too fast.

Soobin shifts awkwardly. The air between them _feels_ awkward. It feels, absurdly, like jelly, with the both of them wobbling uselessly around this awful topic that Kai should never have brought up.

Kai takes a huge slurp of his grape juice. He chokes. Some of it goes up his nose.

After Soobin’s done whacking him on the back and fretting over him, Kai settles back onto the couch and pulls up his legs.

It’s awkward again.

It’s never awkward between him and Soobin.

“Soooo,” Soobin says, and he sounds like he’s trying for casual but it just comes out sounding like he’s on the verge of a heart attack. “Who’d you dream about?”

Kai nearly chokes on his grape juice again.

“Nothing!” Kai says. “No one!”

“Oh my god, my baby’s growing up,” Soobin whispers to himself, and now it definitely sounds like the beginnings of a heart attack.

“Forget I asked!”

“Hey, no,” Soobin turns to Kai, looks at him earnestly. “You can tell me anything. ‘Kay? Promise me. Even if they’re, you know, puberty things. Stuff like that. I’ve been through that shit, I know it can get confusing. I can help you, if you need advice or tips or whatever.”

Kai splutters. “It’s just a dream!”

“If you say so.” Soobin wiggles his eyebrows.

Kai decides to take Soobin up on his offer. Might as well, since it can’t possibly get any more awkward than this.

“I have another question,” Kai begins, sucking the last of his grape juice from the carton.

Soobin swallows, then goes: “Yeah?”

“What’s kissing like?”

Soobin’s lips purse into his thinking pout, the one that has his lips pressed full and plush together and, wow, Kai needs to stop staring, what is wrong with him?

“It’s… nice,” Soobin finally says. “If you do it right.” 

“How do you know if you’re doing it right?”

Soobin blinks. “Can I take it back? You’re asking really hard questions.”

Kai pouts, makes his eyes big and beseeching and, predictably, Soobin caves.

“Okay, well.” Soobin licks his lips. Kai looks away. “It can’t be too stiff. You have to make the kiss melt, you know? Make it soft.”

Soobin’s lips are already so soft (just like the rest of him), Kai hardly thinks that’s an issue for him.

“You’ll be able to tell,” Soobin continues. “From the way she reacts to you. If she presses closer, you’re probably doing it right. If she‘s stiff, it’s either because you suck or she’s just super nervous.”

“What about boys?” Kai blurts, and then it’s too late to take it back. His words hang like red-hot brands in the air, mocking him.

“Like... kissing boys?” Soobin’s eyes are huge. Kai has never seen him open his eyes so big before, it’s almost comical.

Kai just busies himself with tearing into another stick of corn ice cream.

“I...” Soobin trails off. “... don’t know. I've never kissed a boy. But I don’t imagine it’ll be any different?”

Pause.

“Is there someone you want to kiss?” Soobin says it so fast, it takes some time for Kai to process his question.

It takes longer for his brain to process his own answer.

Is there?

It’s been two weeks, but he still can’t stop thinking about that stupid dream. Can’t stop wondering if Soobin’s lips feel as soft as they look. Can’t stop wondering if there’s any more to his sleepy hugs at night, his slow indulgent smiles, his habit of holding Kai’s hand.

There obviously isn’t. Soobin’s happily attached to Mijung and Kai’s just the little baby brother Soobin never had.

“Maybe,” Kai finally says. He feels himself blush violently.

“Who is it!” Soobin bursts. “Oh my god, you’re in love!”

Kai hits Soobin. “I’m not! Gross!”

Soobin laughs. “You are! You obviously are! Who’s the lucky girl? Or... boy?” A weird, unfamiliar expression flits over Soobin’s face, but it’s over so fast, Kai probably imagined it.

Kai presses his lips together, shakes his head.

“No one,” Kai says. “Really, hyung, no one. Let’s just go back to Man to Man.” He gestures at Soobin’s laptop, now on screensaver mode.

Soobin doesn’t move, and when Kai looks back up, he looks a little hurt. “You know you can trust me, right? I’ll never judge.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kai says. He scoots closer to Soobin, pats him on the tummy. Easy. Close. Familiar. “Come on, we have time for one more episode before dance prac.”

“Okay,” Soobin sighs. He wraps an arm around Kai’s shoulders, clicks play.

They don’t talk about the elephant in the room.

—

Kai isn’t like most boys. He’s known this for awhile. He’s never been interested in girls the same way other boys are. Sometimes his classmates bring adult magazines to school and trade it around beneath their desks, but Kai’s always just passed them on. He never really understood the appeal. He’s always preferred looking at the broad shoulders of older guys, their arms, their jawlines.

But he’ll never tell.

He’s used to being the odd-one-out, in more ways than one. The foreigner. The weird-looking dude. He’s too pretty. Not handsome enough. His eyes are weird. His nose is sharp but it isn’t straight. For the longest time, he was too small, too skinny, too frail. But his small stature helped. People didn’t notice him as much. People underestimated him, dismissed him.

So when puberty hits and he suddenly shoots up by 10cm, people notice.

He’s in the dance studio alone, waiting for practice to start. He’d come straight to Big Hit from school, so he’s in the middle of one of his school assignments when they enter the room — the three trainees who’d talked about him behind closed doors, that first month he’d joined.

“Where’s Soobin?” Kwangha asks loudly. No _hi Kai._

Kai looks up from his homework, twirls his pen in his fingers. “In the dorm?”

“Stand up,” Kwangha says.

“Why?”

“Because I’m older, and I say so.”

It’s three to one. Wordlessly, Kai stands up. His eyes slide to the clock. 4:47pm. 13 more minutes till practice starts.

“Come,” Kwangha says. He gestures curtly for Kai to follow, so Kai does. Nothing about this bodes well, but he doesn’t want to create a commotion by refusing. He’d much rather return to being invisible and ignored.

Inexplicably, they bring him to the toilet all the way at the end of the hallway, the toilet that virtually no one uses because it’s just too far away.

The toilet door closes behind him.

Three seconds later, everything becomes crystal clear when one of the guys kicks Kai’s legs out from under him, tripping him onto the floor.

“Make sure it’s permanent,” Kwangha says, voice distant and cool amid the roar of rushing blood in Kai’s ears. One of the boys is holding him down, pinning him to the ground, and the other boy is twisting his right foot in ways feet should not be twisted.

It fucking hurts.

“Get off!” Kai tries to kick the boy, but he’s beefier and stronger. He doesn’t budge, just continues wrenching his foot in the worst possible ways. “What are you guys — ow!”

Something audibly cracks.

“Okay, enough,” Kwangha says, calmly stepping back and opening the door. “Don’t you dare tell your precious Soobin about this. Or we’ll do him worse.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” Kai explodes, trying to scramble up. His ankle throbs. He gets pushed back down.

“Haven’t you heard?” Kwangha says, smiling slowly. There’s no warmth to it. “This month’s the final round of selections. No one’s gonna stand in our way.”

They leave.

 _Soobin_ , Kai thinks wildly. He can’t let this happen to Soobin.

He scrambles up again, limps to the door. Fuuuuck. His ankle’s totally messed up.

He doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t want to. He just needs to find Soobin, warn him. And then, together, they can figure it out — how to stop Kwangha, before he lures other unsuspecting trainees into toilets and coldly, premeditatedly, beats them up.

Soobin’s already there in the studio, sprawled out next to Kai’s half-opened school bag, when Kai limps back in. Soobin’s texting someone — probably Mijung — nose practically glued to his phone screen, so he doesn’t notice Kai until Kai limps right up to him.

Kwangha’s on the other side of the studio, watching like a hawk.

Kai clears his throat. “Hey,” he says. “I think I need to see the doc.”

Soobin finally looks up from his phone. “What? What’s wrong?”

“I… tripped,” Kai says lamely. “Twisted my ankle.”

Soobin’s up like a shot. “How — you shouldn’t even — oh my god! What happened? You shouldn’t be putting any weight on your ankle, it’s so swollen holy _fuck_ Kai —“

“It’s okay!” Kai quickly says, eyes darting to the side. “I just need my bag. Then I’ll be off. Um. Can you...”

He wants to say _can you help me_ but the words die in his throat because Soobin’s already zipping up his backpack, strapping it over his chest and leaning down into a half-squat.

“Come on, up,” Soobin says. “I’ll carry you.”

Kai’s a little embarrassed but also in a whole lot of pain, so he wordlessly clambers on Soobin’s back and lets him piggy back him out of the studio.

“How’d you trip so badly?” Soobin asks, turning into the stairwell and taking the steps two at a time.

Kai tries not to be impressed.

“Why aren’t we using the lift?” he asks instead, ignoring Soobin’s question. He’s half afraid they’re being followed.

“This is faster,” Soobin grunts, and a vein starts to pop from the side of his neck.

Kai absolutely doesn’t stare.

They make it to Big Hit’s in-house clinic in record time, and Soobin carefully deposits him into the chair. He’s sweating.

They come to the clinic every time they strain a muscle or fall sick, so its clean white walls and sterile scent are familiar to Kai. Comforting. Safe. Dependable.

For the first time in his life, Kai lies to a doctor.

Kai tells the doctor — Dr Lee — he tripped, tries not to stammer when Dr Lee asks him exactly how it happened. Happened in the toilet, he says. Wasn’t paying attention. Slipped on a puddle.

Soobin’s eyes are narrowed throughout the entire conversation.

It’s a sprain. Dr Lee lets him go with anti-inflammatory medication, painkillers, a pair of crutches, two medical certificates — one for school and one for dance trainings — and a thoroughly bandaged ankle. He’s to return in three days to get his ankle checked, and to keep his ankle elevated as much as he possibly can.

Dr Lee tasks Soobin with take-care-of-Huening-Kai duty, which honestly isn’t necessary, because Soobin looks like he fully intends never to let Kai out of his sight anyway.

“You don’t have to piggy back me anymore, hyung,” Kai says, amused, when Soobin bends down to let Kai climb on again after they exit the clinic. “I have crutches now.”

“And I have fully functional arms and legs to carry you,” Soobin says. “What will other people think, seeing ol’ healthy me walking around freely and letting small injured you limp behind me?”

“That sounds familiar,” Kai mutters, but he climbs on anyway, holding both his crutches with one hand and wrapping his other arm around Soobin’s chest. His ankle throbs. His heart throbs harder.

“Does it hurt a lot?” Soobin asks as they make their way through the hallways. Kai has a feeling Soobin’s bringing them to the little lounge they always crash in at night.

“Hmm. A little. But the painkillers should kick in soon.” Kai buries his face in Soobin’s neck, suddenly exhausted. “Hyung. I need to tell you something.”

“You didn’t really trip, did you,” Soobin says, voice flat, and it’s horrible. Kai’s only heard Soobin talk like this once, when his parents called to tell him his hamster had passed away. (It was terrible. Soobin had been really upset).

“Tell you later,” Kai mumbles, drifting, and ends up half-dozing the rest of the journey to their little room, Soobin reliable and strong beneath him, large hands warming his thighs.

He’s jostled back to consciousness when Soobin kicks the door to their room open, laying him down gently on the couch.

“Hey, baby,” Soobin says softly when Kai lets his eyes blink open. “Come on, let’s get your foot elevated.” He slides a cushion beneath Kai’s ankle, flutters anxious hands on Kai’s knee. “How do you feel?”

“Good,” Kai murmurs. “Doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“Good,” Soobin parrots back. He sits down on the couch next to Kai. “So. What really happened?”

“Kwangha,” Kai says. Disgust rises like bile in the back of his throat. “And gang. They told me to follow them into the toilet, you know the one at the end of the hallway? Then they tripped me over and twisted my ankle with their bare hands.”

Soobin stares at Kai. “Fuck.” He doesn’t even bother censoring his words anymore. 

“You can’t tell anyone,” Kai says quickly. “Or they’ll get you too.”

Soobin laughs, raw and unamused. “Let them.”

“You can’t go against the three of them together, hyung,” Kai says quietly. “Apparently this month’s the last round of evals. Before selections for the next group. Did you hear? I think... I think they’re trying to eliminate the competition.”

Kwangha normally ranks 5th or 6th in singing and dance. It explains why he went for Kai first — Kai had unwittingly overthrown his position.

“That’s messed up,” Soobin says. “We need to report this at least.”

“There’s no evidence. It’s my word against theirs. They were smart to do it in the toilet — no security cameras.”

“Yeah, but...” Soobin trails off, and they’re both silent for awhile. “Fuck,” he finally says.

“We gotta think of a way to stop them,” Kai says, but even as he says it, it sounds impossible. “Who knows how many other trainees they’re planning to fuck up?”

Embarrassingly, his voice breaks on the last word.

It’s not the puberty kind of break.

“Oh, baby,” Soobin says, and then he’s gathering Kai into his arms, holding him carefully, holding him like he’ll shatter at any moment.

Kai swallows, tries not to shudder too hard. There’s something in his throat, and it burns.

“This fucking sucks,” he says, turning his face into the crook between Soobin’s neck and shoulder, and the gravity of the situation crashes down like a tsunami.

They’re three weeks away from evals. Kai doesn’t need his ankle to sing or rap, but everyone knows Big Hit isn’t looking for one-dimensional members to debut.

They’re looking for all-stars, and Kai’s sprained ankle means he’s one huge point short.

Soobin runs his fingers through Kai’s hair, murmurs: “We’ll figure it out. You’ll be fine. Don’t worry, baby, don’t cry, we’ll be okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

His parents. His sisters. Almost one and a half years they’ve cheered him on. Almost one and a half years he’s trained at Big Hit and he’s so close, so _close_ , and suddenly everything’s been taken away.

If only he hadn’t followed Kwangha into the toilet.

If only he’d had the guts to stand up for himself.

If only he wasn’t so _trusting_.

Kai’s drowning, drowning in resentment, drowning in hopelessness, in self-hatred, in tears.

“Please, Hueningie,” Soobin whispers, running a broad hand up and down his back. “You’ll be fine. You’ll recover. We still have three weeks. We just need to make sure you rest up, take care of yourself. Yeah? Promise me. We’ll get you back on your feet.”

Kai nods, takes deep breaths against Soobin’s skin, now damp with his tears. Soobin smells so nice, as always, so comforting. A little salty from his tears. But mostly like Soobin.

“... sorry,” Kai says.

“Don’t be sorry,” Soobin says. He shifts, moves away a little, and Kai freezes, suddenly terrified Soobin’s finally had enough of Kai’s drama and tears, that he’s finally come to his senses and realised Kai’s just a nobody who doesn’t deserve someone amazing like Soobin.

Soobin kisses the top of Kai’s head.

The sobs die in Kai’s throat, replaced by something else entirely.

“I’ll always be here for you, ‘kay?” Soobin murmurs into Kai’s hair, and suddenly everything’s too much, too intimate, too close for comfort. It‘s like his heart’s in his throat, threatening to suffocate him with feelings he doesn’t understand or know what to do with.

It feels like the dream.

Kai wonders what’ll happen if he tilts his head up, just a little, wonders what’ll happen if he looks Soobin in the eye and lets his gaze drift over to Soobin’s lips, always so pink and plump and soft-looking, wonders what’ll happen if he leans in.

Soobin’s phone starts buzzing.

“Ah, sorry,” Soobin says, pulling away. He checks his phone. “Mijung’s calling. Stay here. Don’t move. I’ll be back.”

And just like that, Soobin’s gone.

Of course.

What was Kai thinking? He and Soobin, Soobin and him — it’s impossible. Soobin’s happy with Mijung. Kai would be the shittiest friend alive to try to get in the way of that.

Kai presses both palms into his eyes and refuses to cry. He fishes his phone out instead and sends their dance instructor a quick text to let him know he and Soobin won’t be coming in for practice. Then he opens his family chat and debates texting them about his situation.

He’s drafted and deleted about four messages by the time Soobin finally returns.

“I brought you something~” Soobin sings, and presents Kai with a tub of mint chocolate ice cream.

“What about Mijung?” Kai asks. He makes grabby hands.

“Oh.” Soobin shrugs, plopping himself down on the couch and draping a comfortable arm around Kai’s shoulders. “She wanted to go out later, after practice — there’s this street performance at Hongdae that she really wants to see? But I told her I can’t.”

“You should go!” Kai says, tearing open the ice cream lid. “Yum.”

Soobin ruffles Kai’s hair. “And leave you alone? No thanks. Who’s going to carry you around? Make sure you’re fed? Keep you clean and bathed?”

“I’m perfectly capable of walking around myself, thanks,” Kai says through a mouthful of ice cream. “And bathing myself! What — do you _want_ to bathe me?”

Soobin starts coughing.

“Sorry,” he gasps, face going red. “Choked on my —“ cough “— saliva. You know how it is.” Cough.

“Ooookay,” Kai says. He shovels another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. “Is Mijung mad?”

“Nah.” Soobin finally calms down enough to speak a full sentence without choking off. “She’s going with her trainee friends instead. She’s cool.”

There’s a soft smile playing on Soobin’s lips. Kai wishes he’d been the one to put it there.

“Thank you,” Kai says quietly. He looks down at the tub of ice cream on his hands and thanks his lucky stars for Soobin.

“Any time.” Soobin scoops his phone out of his pocket, waves it in Kai’s face. “Wanna watch Man to Man? We’re on episode six now, I think.”

“Okay,” Kai says, and he snuggles close to Soobin only because he can’t watch Man to Man properly on Soobin's tiny phone screen.


	4. homestretch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well!” Soobin whisper-yells. “That’s — that’s a completely normal part of growing up, um, good on you. You can — you can ask me if you need any help, or — I mean, not that kind of help, oh god, but like, if you need advice, you know?“
> 
> Kai doesn’t think he really knows what Soobin means by “you know”, so he just gives an affirmative grunt and contemplates strangling himself with Soobin’s pillow.
> 
> (or: soobin flexes his leadership qualities, kai has an incredibly awkward conversation about puberty things, and they take another big step towards stardom)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a problem, and it starts with soo and ends with kai
> 
> some of their conversations in this chapter have a very special place in my heart and i love the boys too much ;_;
> 
> enjoy!!!

They hatch a crazy plan.

“I really, _really_ don’t like this,” Yeonjun says nervously, voice high-pitched and squeaky the way it gets when he’s either 1) really excited or 2) really nervous.

It’s usually the first. Yeonjun rarely gets nervous, so this is an experience for Kai.

“Me neither,” Kai whispers. Both of them are crammed beneath a bed in the maknae room, shivery with anticipation. Kai’s holding his phone so tight, his hand‘s almost white.

He and Soobin had concocted this grand plan a few days back, in a feverish epiphanic fit inspired by Episode 13 of Man to Man.

“We need a third party,” Soobin had said. “Because, obviously, you’d be useless if things get ugly.”

“Hey! I can totally throw a good punch.” Kai punched Soobin in the shoulder. “See?”

“Ow, very painful,” Soobin had said obligingly. “I’m thinking — Yeonjunie. We’re okay friends. Okay, fine, he’s friends with, like, everyone, but I know he’ll believe us. I trust him.”

It made sense. Yeonjun consistently ranked first across all categories, so he had the most to lose from Kwangha’s dirty tricks. And he was super cool to boot, so it stood to reason that he’d be good in any form of confrontation that might involve hand-to-hand combat.

“You think I should throw punches like this?” Yeonjun punches the air viciously, nearly hitting the bed frame. “Or like this?” He punches the air again.

Kai’s slowly starting to realise Yeonjun isn’t actually all that cool.

“They... look the same to me,” Kai says.

“Ah, well,” Yeonjun shrugs. “Let’s just hope I don’t have to be throwing any punches to —“

The door opens, and Yeonjun immediately shuts up.

“— fine, I’m fine, mom. Yeah, selections are next month.” From their vantage point, they see Kwangha walk into the room, close the door, and head over to his bed. “Yeah, I know. I know.”

More tinny talking from Kwangha’s phone.

“I won’t let you down, Mom. Promise. Yeah. Bye. Take care. I love you.”

The call ends, and Kwangha releases a deep sigh.

Kai holds his breath. In front of him, Yeonjun’s visibly trembling.

The door opens again.

Is it weird that Kai recognises Soobin from his feet? Perhaps.

Soobin walks in. “Hey,” he says, closing the door. “There’s something I wanna talk to you about.”

“Hyung,” Kwangha greets coolly, and he sounds like an entirely different person from the Kwangha on the phone just a few moments ago.

Soobin goes to sit on the bed across the room from Kwangha’s. Good, Kai thinks with relief. Too far away for Kwangha to try anything funny.

“Kai told me everything,” Soobin says, cutting straight to the chase. “About you and Byungchul and Hojin beating him up in the toilet last week.”

Soobin sounds calm, but Kai _feels_ the undercurrent of anger in his voice.

Kwangha feigns ignorance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Kwangha.“

“You know, maybe Kai’s just a small cowardly boy crying wolf.” Kwangha’s voice is cutting. “He sprains his ankle and now he’s accusing me of beating him up, is that it?”

Soobin remains unfazed. “Maybe you’re just a small cowardly boy, afraid to fail. So afraid, you go around injuring other trainees so you’ll be selected instead.”

“Please.” Kwangha’s a good liar. “It’s so obvious, hyung, Kai’s got you wrapped around his little finger. It’s disgusting. You really just gonna believe everything he tells you? Because, news flash, you’ve got a blind spot the size of the moon and it’s called Huening Kai.”

Kai stiffens. His heart’s thumping so loud, he’s almost sure Kwangha can hear it.

“There’s no use lying, Kwangha.” Soobin’s level of patience is a thing of the gods, because after all that, his voice still sounds steady. Controlled. Soobin uses their wild card. “Byungchul and Hojin already owned up. They told me everything. I’ve just reported it to the managers.”

There’s an icy silence.

“I just wanted to talk to you too,” Soobin continues, voice going soft, gentle. Cajoling. It’s the same voice he uses when he wants to pat the stray cats in the alleyway behind Big Hit. Kai almost snorts. “Wanted to hear it from you. Bullying is not okay — but usually it’s because the bullies themselves aren’t okay. What happened, Kwangha? You used to be nice. I thought we were friends. That we were all friends.”

The alleyway cats are defenceless against the full force of Soobin’s persuasion, and so is Kwangha.

“You don’t understand,” Kwangha says eventually, and the iciness in his voice cracks. “I did what I had to do. _We_ did what we had to do. Kai‘s a threat. Threats need to be removed.”

“That’s not playing fair.”

“This isn’t a game!” Kwangha explodes. “I don’t care about playing _fair_. Some of us — we can’t afford that. It’s either this or nothing. Our families depend on us. _My_ family. My dad’s sick. My mom’s trying her best, but she can’t provide for everyone and pay for my training and send my brothers to school and pay for my dad’s hospital bills. Do you see? You — you’ve got privilege. You have money. You can afford to play fair. I can’t.”

There it is.

In front of Kai, Yeonjun’s no longer trembling. He’s gone stock still.

Then Soobin’s getting up, walking across the room, sitting next to Kwangha, and alarm bells are ringing wildly in Kai’s head: DANGER DANGER DANGER —

There’s a broken noise, an ugly gasp.

Kwangha’s crying.

This is not at all how Kai envisioned this turning out.

“I’m sorry,” Soobin says quietly. “About your dad. This must be difficult for you.” Pause. “But bullying and building your success by pushing other people down won’t get you anywhere. It’s not the path you wanna go down.”

A sniff. “It’s just a sprain. I wouldn’t do any worse.”

“Yeah, but you still hurt him.”

“I... I know. I did what I had to.”

“You don’t _have_ to, Kwangha. Why don’t you trust yourself? Trust in your abilities. Have faith in yourself. You can do it without stepping on others.”

“‘s’easy for you to say,” Kwangha says, voice thick. “You have the talent and the looks. I don’t have any of that.”

“Hey,” Soobin says. “You made it all the way here. You do have talent; you do have the looks. You just need more confidence. And you need to stop hurting people.”

“... I‘m sorry,” Kwangha whispers. “Help me tell Kai I’m sorry.”

“Swear you won’t hurt anyone else,” Soobin says.

“I swear.”

“Thank you.” A pause. “I need to be honest with you too, Kwangha. I’ve been recording our conversation for evidence. There’re two ways we can do this — we can be civil about this, and you can own up to the managers and let them decide how to handle the case moving forward. Or, well. I don’t really want to have to send the recordings to them, you know? What do you say?”

Another stony silence. Yeonjun tenses up, which makes Kai tense up, but then Kwangha replies:

“Fuck, you’re sly.”

Soobin laughs, but there’s no humour in it.

“I’ve set up a meeting with the managers tomorrow, 4pm,” Soobin says. “I haven’t actually talked to Byungchul and Hojin — that was a lie, sorry. I’ll leave it to you to explain the situation to them. Then we’ll meet tomorrow. Right now, it’s time for dance prac. Come on, let’s go.”

“Yeah,” Kwangha says, standing up. He sighs. “Yeah, okay.”

Soobin and Kwangha leave the room.

“Well,” Yeonjun finally says. “Guess I didn’t have to throw any punches after all.”

“Guess not,” Kai says, and crawls out after Yeonjun.

—

The 4pm meeting the next day is awful. It’s hard enough looking Kwangha and gang in the face during vocal and dance trainings, hard enough seeing them around the dorm (though their managers had allowed Kai to share Soobin’s bed instead of sleeping on his own, because he’s on the top bunk while Soobin’s on the bottom and, well, climbing around doesn’t seem like a great idea for his sprained ankle), hard enough scrolling past the incriminating video of Kwangha he’d filmed from beneath the bed yesterday every time he wants to look through his phone's photo album.

It’s hard enough looking Kwangha, Byungchul and Hojin in the eye as they apologise to him, one by one.

So it’s extra hard, forgiving them. It’s possibly the hardest thing he’s ever done — harder even than Big Hit’s gruelling dance routines — but he tries anyway.

Kwangha and gang are suspended for three months and placed on a six-month probation after that, and Kai’s okay with that. He can’t ignore the way Kwangha had sobbed, can’t forget the way he said “I love you” so sincerely to his mom the day before, can’t unsee the way Kwangha’s shoulders slump as they exit the room.

He could have demanded a worse punishment, but he chooses not to.

“How’s your ankle?” Soobin whispers that night, pulling the covers up over their heads so they don’t bother the other sleeping boys. Soobin’s bed in dorm is a little larger than the couch they’ve been sharing in their little room at Big Hit, so it’s a little safer for sleeping together and avoiding accidental kicks in the middle of the night.

“Still hurts a little,” Kai says honestly. It’s been almost a week since the Incident. He’s been diligently doing the physio exercises Dr Lee had given him, and he’s been able to return to school, but dancing or any form of rigorous activity is still Strictly Off Limits. He’s allowed to sit in on dance practices to observe the choreography, but that’s about it.

“How are _you_ feeling?” Soobin asks. It’s dark but Kai can just make out his eyes, large and worried.

Kai takes a moment to think. There are many things he’s feeling, but right now, as he nestles close to Soobin beneath the covers, he’s feeling:

“Thankful.” He reaches out, gropes around until he finds Soobin’s hand. He grips it, squeezes it tight. Soobin squeezes back. “Thank you, hyung. I...” How can he form the words to convey how he feels? So grateful, so relieved, so... bereft.

It’s like Soobin’s his knight in shining armour, except he’s completely out of reach.

Kai wants more, but he doesn’t know what more is.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me,” Soobin says quietly. He brings Kai’s hand up to cover his heart. It beats, strong and steady. “I should be the one apologising. I couldn’t protect you.”

“What? No.”

“No, listen — I’m sorry. I should’ve been there. If I’d been with you, this would never have happened.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, hyung, we can’t be together all the time.”

“Yeah, but...” Soobin trails off, and he sounds all odd and strained, like something’s squeezing his throat tight. “Still. I should’ve been there. I should never have let you out of my sight.”

Realisation dawns.

“Is that why you haven’t been going out with Mijung?” Kai asks.

In the past week, Soobin’s been fielding Mijung’s suggestions to go out, telling her he’s too tired, that he needs to wake early the next day, that he has too much homework.

Soobin never does homework.

When they’re not in trainings or in school, they spend all their time together, reading in bed — Kai reading his webtoons and Soobin leafing through his latest literary obsession — or catching up on Man to Man, or watching random hamster ASMR videos on YouTube.

“Maybe.” Soobin sounds shifty.

“Hyung!” Kai hits Soobin on the tummy. “What’s Mijung gonna think? She’s gonna be so sad!”

“She’s _fine_.” A little whine creeps into Soobin’s voice. It’s cute. “She’s cool, really. She doesn’t mind.”

“Does she know? About what happened?”

“Yeah, I told her. She said, and I quote: Kick their asses.”

“You totally did,” Kai says warmly, patting Soobin’s tummy lightly. “In, like, the gentlest way ever.”

“Thanks?”

“You’re like a big, scary, giant bunny,” Kai muses.

Soobin’s silence sounds unamused.

“My giant bunny,” Kai continues.

“Okay, stop.”

“My knight in shining armour.”

“And you’re my damsel in distress?”

“Save me, _oppa_ ,” Kai teases.

“Hueningie.”

“Hm?”

“Don’t ever call me that again.”

“Oppa?”

“What did I just say?”

“Why not? You embarrassed?” Kai moves his hand back up over Soobin’s heart. “Does it make your heart pound? Make you want to swoop in and save the day?”

“I will swoop in and smack you.” Soobin swats Kai’s hand, tugs it away from his heart and back down to his belly.

He doesn’t remove his hand from Kai’s.

“Kinky,” Kai remarks.

“What?” Soobin hisses. “Who taught you that?”

Kai feels his ears start to warm up. “Uh,” he says, suddenly regretting his choice of words. “My friends in school.”

There it is. Another one of those awkward silences.

“Cool,” Soobin finally says. “Cool cool cool.” He doesn’t sound cool.

For the strangest reason, Kai starts to burn with curiosity.

It matches his burning ears.

“Struck a nerve, hyung?” Kai teases. “What do you and Mijung get up to, _hmm_?”

Soobin makes a funny noise, like a cross between a cough and a gulp.

“We’re not like that,” Soobin says, sounding strained.

“So... vanilla?”

“Fuck. Who’s even teaching you these things?”

“I told you, my friends in school.”

“... what else have they been teaching you?” Soobin sounds half-horrified, half-reluctantly interested.

Embarrassed Soobin is extremely endearing, and Kai can’t get enough.

“Hmm,” Kai says, pretending to think deeply about it. “They taught me how to... you know.”

“ _What_?” Soobin explodes.

“Ya, shut up,” someone — probably Yeonjun — suddenly slurs groggily from across the room. “‘m’tryna sleep’ere.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Soobin says, then lowers his voice: “Explain yourself.”

Kai’s ears are so hot, they’re probably burning holes through Soobin’s pillow. Soobin’s cute when he’s embarrassed, but now everything feels a little too intense and maybe Kai shouldn’t have been so forthcoming, fuck, he regrets everything.

“You know,” Kai whispers. “That. That thing. Puberty things. Like — liketouchingyourself.” The faster he says it, the faster he can get this over with, right?

Soobin makes a strangled noise that sounds like he’s saying “oh” and choking on his saliva at the same time.

“Yeah,” Kai says.

“I see,” Soobin says.

“...”

“Well!” Soobin whisper-yells. “That’s — that’s a completely normal part of growing up, um, good on you. You can — you can ask me if you need any help, or — I mean, not that kind of help, oh god, but like, if you need advice, you know?“

Kai doesn’t think he really knows what Soobin means by “you know”, so he just gives an affirmative grunt and contemplates strangling himself with Soobin’s pillow.

“And, just,” Soobin continues, “If you want to talk about, uh, sex things like kinks, or that dream you had, or if your friends talk to you about it, just — just let me know if you have any questions or doubts, okay, just to make sure your friends aren’t telling you the wrong things about, like —“ Soobin clears his throat, “safe sex, and how to use a —“

“Oh my god, hyung, okay, that’s enough,” Kai cuts in. “I’m too young for this, you’re _polluting_ me.”

Soobin’s panicked whisper-monologue careens to a halt. “Right. Okay okay okay cool, yeah, sure, you’re right, you’re so young, holy fuck.”

Kai’s curiosity gets the better of him.

“Have you, though?” he asks. “Done it?”

Soobin splutters. “No! Of course not!”

Clearly, there is a problem with his brain-to-mouth filter, because Kai blurts: “Do you want to? With Mijung?”

Then: silence.

Suddenly, the combination of five other boys snoring and the hum from the A/C sounds like a roaring symphony that Kai, unfortunately, seems to have single-handedly orchestrated.

“Valentine’s Day is, like, next week,” Kai barges on when the silence gets too painful. “Might be a good opportunity.”

Soobin audibly swallows. “I... don’t know,” he says. “I want my first to be special. I don’t know if... if Mijung’s like that, for me.”

For reasons Kai can’t fathom, he almost feels relieved, knowing that Soobin‘s still a virgin. It’s just. Soobin doesn’t feel so far away anymore.

“Don’t you love her?” Kai asks carefully. Soobin and Mijung have been dating nearly five months now. Kai‘s always thought they were madly in love.

Soobin hums, squeezing Kai’s hand. Kai jumps. He’d completely forgotten they were holding hands.

“Love is a tricky thing,” Soobin says eventually. “I like her a lot. But... sometimes, I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I’m not really that important to her, like I’m just a — how should I put this? A checkbox for her to tick off? Like — JYP, straight As in school, perfect family, awesome friends, Big Hit boyfriend. You know? I think she loves the idea of me, but, well. I don’t know if she actually loves me. And that makes it hard for me to love her.”

Mijung’s a go-getter, sure. But Kai‘s never imagined this side of her.

“But,” Kai says, confused. “Why are you guys still together then?”

“She’s fun,” Soobin says. “I like hanging out with her; she’s actually a pretty awesome friend. And,” he laughs drily, “it doesn’t hurt that she’s hot _.”_

“Oh,” Kai says lamely.

“I like hanging out with you too,” Soobin teases.

Kai can’t resist asking: “Am I hot too?”

Soobin laughs, and this time it’s bright, warm. Sincere. “One day, maybe. But right now you’ll have to settle for cute, baby.”

Kai pouts into the darkness.

“When will one day be?” he asks.

“Hmm.” Soobin laces their fingers together. “Probably when we debut. Big Hit’ll do their magic and then, bam, you’ll be a steaming hot piece of idol meat.”

“That sounds unpleasant.”

“Trust me, being hot is very pleasant.”

“... are you calling yourself hot?”

“Am I not?”

“...”

“I am super hot.”

“Good night, Soobinie.”

“Excuse me, rude, that’s hyung to you.”

“Good night, _oppa_.”

“Hueningie?”

“Hm?”

“Shut up and go to sleep.”

—

Kai’s ankle is almost back to normal the week leading up to evals. He throws himself back into dance trainings with renewed vigour, much to Soobin’s (admittedly endearing) worry, so on D-Day Kai’s all pumped up and ready to go when he enters the evals studio. He’s already playing the first verse in his head when, abruptly, he stops short and nearly falls over.

It’s him.

_Bang PD-nim._

Sitting at the head of the table, gesturing for Kai to sit on the chair next to him.

“Huening Kai?” Bang PD says. His pronunciation is perfect.

Kai is star struck.

Bang PD’s only ever spoken to him once on his first day to welcome him to Big Hit. He’s a busy man. Kai had fully expected to only really talk to the man when he debuted, so seeing him in person is earth-shattering, ground-breaking, wow it’s a good thing the table isn’t very far away because if he has to take any more steps he might just collapse from awe.

“Ah!” Kai says belatedly, realising Bang PD and the three other evaluators are staring at him expectantly. “Yes, that’s me.”

He sits down before he can embarrass himself further.

“Candidate 005,” one of the evaluators says. “Huening Kai. Average vocal ranking: six. Average dance ranking: seven. Average rap ranking: five.”

Kai can already see it in Bang PD’s head: Mediocre. He’s just mediocre.

“Thank you,” Bang PD says. “Huening Kai, please, make yourself comfortable. How’s your ankle?“

“Fine!” Kai chirps. “Thank you!”

“I’m very sorry about what Kwangha, Byungchul and Hojin did.”

“It’s okay!”

“It’s not okay, and we don’t condone bullying here. It was right of you and Soobin to inform your managers. Thank you for that.”

The other evaluators nod fervently.

“No problem!” Wow, Kai really needs to stop speaking in permanent chirp.

“Now, I’m sure you’ve heard that we’ll be selecting the next group to debut,” Bang PD says, fingers steepled and looking every bit like the CEO of Big Hit Entertainment.

“Yeeees,” Kai tells him, and doesn’t know at all why he drags out the word like that.

“You’re right on some counts,” Bang PD says. “We are making selections, yes, but it’s to form multiple groups. All of you will be allotted to different groups. The only difference is which group will be debuting first, which second, and so on. So this round of evaluations is going to be a little different. You can think of it as a friendly conversation of sorts.”

Kai blinks. “What about my performance evaluation?”

“We won’t be doing that this time. Today will just be me getting to know you a little better.”

“Okay!” Kai chirps again.

“Great. Now, let’s begin.”

The “conversation”, which Kai suspects is more of a personality interview, revolves mostly around Kai’s motivations and dreams. Why music? Why kpop? Why Big Hit?

He answers as honestly as he can and tries not to get too intimidated by the way the evaluators scribble down notes every once in a while. He’d grown up surrounded by music. It made him happy, made him who he is. And he wants to give that back, make other people happy. His answer is short, but simple. Joy deserves to be shared.

Who does he get along with best?

Soobin. Of course Soobin. He’d handled the bullying case with grace and maturity, when Kai was panicking and scared out of his wits. He’d been there for Kai since day one, since his first step into the dance studio, since he started this career. He’d taken care of Kai, been his best friend, been his listening ear.

What are his thoughts on potentially being Big Hit’s first multiracial artist?

Kai isn’t sure, exactly, but he thinks it might be nice for other multiracial Koreans to see some representation in the industry. To know that being the odd-one-out can sometimes mean making a difference.

Bang PD looks pleased with the reply, so Kai’s feeling pretty good when he exits the studio (he’s extra proud that he manages not to trip over his feet on the way out).

As always, Soobin’s waiting for him on the other side.

“How was it?” Soobin breathes, springing up from the couch when Kai closes the door. This evaluation is highly top secret, so the exit’s on the other side of the studio and the pre- and post-eval trainees aren’t allowed to mix. 

“Good,” Kai says. “But, hyung. _Bang PD-nim._ ”

“I _know_ ,” Soobin says, eyes going dreamy. “He called me tall and handsome. I think I can die happy now.”

“No, no dying allowed.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Soobin continues as they walk down the hallway, presumably to celebrate their last ever evals with good ol’ BBQ. It’s kind of like their tradition. “You think we’ll be grouped together, Hueningie?”

“Well,” Kai says, turning big eyes on Soobin, “who do you get along with best, hyung?”

“Huh, I _wonder_.” Soobin looks fond. He wraps an arm around Kai’s shoulders, tugs him in close. They exit the Big Hit building together, huddled together against the chill. February winters are never fun. They’re just cold and wet and slushy. But they do give Kai the excuse to make Soobin hold his hand in his admittedly warmer coat pocket, so he’s not complaining.

“They won’t separate us into different groups just to spite us, right?” Soobin asks suddenly.

It’s a possibility.

“If they do, I’ll protest,” Kai says. “ _We’ll_ protest together, right, hyung? We can sign a petition and everything — let’s call it SOOKAI4EVA.”

“Sookai?” Soobin laughs. “Cute.” He turns serious eyes on Kai. “I won’t let them separate us. We have to debut together. We _have_ to.”

Kai swallows, swallows the way his heart flops in his chest, swallows the way his stomach flutters.

“I don’t know if I’m good enough,” Kai says quietly. “Good enough for you.”

A car honks in the distance. Have the traffic lights always beeped so loudly? The rush of cars driving past roars in the silence.

“What do you mean, good enough?” Soobin finally asks.

“My rankings aren’t that great,” Kai tells him. “They’re not as good as yours.”

“Yeah, but.” Soobin looks frustrated. He has that little eyebrow quirk he does when he’s not happy, and he’s doing it right now. “But _you’re_ great. You are not your rankings, ‘kay? You’re so much more than how well you sing, or dance, or rap. You’re you. Huening Kai. Big Hit’s kindest, sweetest trainee. My best friend. Also —“ Soobin pokes Kai in the cheek, “— very, very cute.”

“But not hot,” Kai reminds Soobin.

Soobin rolls his eyes. “I give you a pep talk and that’s all you take away from it?”

Kai laughs. “I know, sorry. I just...” He blows out a breath, watches it fog up then fade. “You’re so amazing, and I’m just me.”

Soobin stares at him quizzically. “Huening Kai,” he says, ripping his hand out of his coat pocket and spinning Kai by the shoulders so he’s facing Soobin right smack in the middle of the slushy slippery sidewalk. “You being you is what makes you amazing. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Big Hit. Okay? So what if your rankings aren’t perfect? You’ve got spirit. You’ve got dreams. You know why you’re here. That’s way better than all the other trainees who only want to be idols to feed their stupid egos.”

Soobin’s looking at Kai all intense and fiery and Kai feels a little weak in the knees.

“... okay,” Kai mumbles.

“Okay.” Soobin spins Kai back to the front, then takes his hand and plants it back into his coat pocket. “For the record,” Soobin adds, “you are good enough. For me. You’re my best friend, and I love you.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

Kai is physically incapable of saying anything. His brain’s been reduced to the slush on the sidewalk, because, well, fuck.

He loves Soobin too. Just in all the wrong ways.


	5. that closet conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I like your nose,” Kai says loyally.
> 
> Soobin quirks an eyebrow. “Does that mean you like me?”
> 
> Kai lets out a surprised laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now i present: one-sided pining
> 
> enjoy!!! <3

They receive the news on a Saturday morning.

It is, for all intents and purposes, an unremarkable Saturday. The sky is grey, the sidewalk is just as slushy, and Soobin’s arm around his shoulders is as warm as ever.

But there’s an air of anticipation surrounding them as they make their way from the dorm to the Big Hit building. The other trainees traipse along beside them, and everyone looks like they’re holding their breaths in some way or another.

The managers shepherd them into a large conference room. Bang PD’s there again.

If Kai hadn’t felt like puking from nerves just now, he’s definitely feeling it now.

“Good morning everyone,” Bang PD says.

Silence.

“Good morning,” Yeonjun pipes up, eliciting a smattering of “good mornings” from the other boys in the room.

Oh, god. Kai definitely shouldn’t have eaten that extra bun for breakfast.

“Today’s a big day,” Bang PD says. “We’ll be announcing the groupings, and then the next round of evaluations will begin.”

Next round?

Soobin looks at Kai, eyes squinty. _What?_ his eyes say.

Kai quirks his lips. _Don’t ask me._

“After the groupings are announced, you’ll be moved into separate dorms,” Bang PD carries on. “You’ll carry on with your individual vocal and rap lessons, but some of them will be held as a team. All dance trainings will be conducted in your groups. Monthly evaluations will continue — I know, it’s stressful, but please understand. We’ll be evaluating you based on how well you perform as a group, rather than individually.

The first lesson of being an award-winning boy band — you need to be seen as a whole, not a combination of disparate parts. All of you are individually talented. But all you need to work together to lift each other up and showcase your talents as one. The group that does this best debuts first.”

Bang PD continues on, but Kai stops paying attention.

 _What the fuck?_ Soobin mouths at him.

Kai shakes his head minimally. _I’m as surprised as you are._

A second round of evaluations. God.

Kai — and the other trainees, as far as he knows — had always assumed they’d be told straight away who would be in the debuting group and who would be placed on the back burner until the time came for a third or fourth Big Hit boy band. 

Kai already feels tired.

He doesn’t want to be reduced to numbers on a board again.

“... excited for the results.” Bang PD’s voice comes back into focus. Kai’s heart does a double take and, ew, is that a little bit of digested bun burning at the back of his throat? “We have three groups today. Group 1 — Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin —“ _oh god, oh god_ , “Choi Beomgyu, Kai Kamal Huening and Kang Taehyun. Group 2...”

And Bang PD’s voice drifts again because Soobin’s gripping his hand tight, staring at him eyes wide, lips pressed together — likely to stop his no doubt maniacal grin from emerging — and Kai’s heart is pounding and he can’t believe it.

_They did it._

Another round of evaluations suddenly no longer sounds so bad.

—

In his defence, he hasn’t always been like this.

“Okay, this is the last straw,” Soobin says, climbing up the ladder to Kai’s upper bunk bed.

Kai spreads himself across the bed, tries to hide all his plushies from Soobin’s view. “No!” Kai protests. “Never!”

Taehyun pops his head into the room. “Do it, hyung. Swiftly and without mercy.”

It’s been a month since their group had been formed and they’d moved in together, just the five of them. Taehyun’s an interesting one. They’re the same age, but he’d always been on the quieter side, choosing to keep to himself and his small group of friends. Kai used to think he was aloof and really cool.

He was so wrong.

Taehyun’s the absolute worst person ever.

“I hate you,” Kai calls.

“Hate you too,” Taehyun says fondly, and leaves.

“This is a bed,” Soobin says, tugging at Kai’s newest addition to his plushie family. “Not your plushie paradise! I can’t even see your mattress anymore. This needs to go.”

It’s been a month since Kai had picked up his plushie-purchasing habits. It’s also been a month since he and Soobin have slept together. Not that Kai’s been keeping count. Shortly after they’d moved into their dorm, one of their managers had approached them and told them, very seriously, that sleeping over in the Big Hit building was Absolutely Not Allowed and that the staff had their eyes on them.

Kai suspects they’ve been monitoring the security cameras a lot more closely after the whole Kwangha incident.

In any case, they’ve been relegated back to sleeping in the dorm. It isn’t too bad. Living with four other boys feels like a vacation after being cooped up in a dorm of 15. He can take his showers as long as he wants now, and he’s finally realised the true meaning of personal space (and personal hygiene, because prior to this he and Soobin had “forgotten” to shower one too many times to count).

What is bad, however, is Soobin completely forgetting his existence, playing RPG video games late into the night with Beomgyu and conveniently forgetting to invite himself into bed with Kai. He gets it. His upper bunk bed is troublesome to get to, especially when it’s 3AM and the lights are all off.

So. It’s been a month since he and Soobin have fallen asleep together. It’s not that he feels lonely in bed or anything. He’s just not used to having so much space. But that’s okay. The issue is easily resolved by plushies. They’re soft and huggable and make decent Soobin-replacements.

Which is why he will protect them _to his death_.

Kai makes his eyes big and round and sad. He wraps his arms possessively around the plushie in question. “But hyung, I love him, I could never.”

“Hueningie,” Soobin laughs, swatting at the plushie in Kai’s hands. “This is, like, half your size. Why do you even need such a huge — what’s this — a bunny?”

“His name is Tobin,” Kai tells Soobin. “Yes. He’s a bunny, and I’m never letting you have him!”

“Tobin.” Soobin makes a half-amused, half-cocky expression, the one that has him puffing out a cheek in an annoying little smirk. Kai kind of wants to smack him. “Is it named after me?”

“Maybe.”

“You are so _cute_.”

“Does that mean you won’t get rid of him?” Kai turns on the aegyo again, pouts his lips a little. “You wouldn’t throw away a bunny named after you, would you? That’s like... like a mother abandoning her child.”

“First of all, I take no responsibility for your Tobin,” Soobin says. “And second of all, there’s no way you can sleep with that thing plus all your other plushies in the same bed.”

“Watch me,” Kai declares, and flops down on his back. He resolutely ignores the plushie poking him just between the shoulder blades.

“What about me? There’s no space for me,” Soobin says, clambering over to join Kai in bed. He rolls around a little and not-so-accidentally pushes a bunch of Kai’s plushies off the bed. “Oops.”

“My babies!” Kai protests.

“It would be perfect if this could leave us too.” Soobin pokes Tobin.

“Don’t you have video games to play?” Kai snipes.

“I’ve been suitably distracted,” Soobin says. “Thanks to this thing.”

“Don’t insult him, he’s new to the family.”

“He’s in the way.”

“Of what?”

“Of me hugging you.”

“Ugh, _hyung_ , get off. Tobin’s getting all squished.”

Soobin plucks Tobin out of Kai’s embrace and throws it behind him. Tobin falls to the ground, landing with a soft, sad thump.

The _nerve_.

“Hyung!” Kai whines.

“What?” Soobin snuggles in close, pulls Kai in, wraps his long arms around Kai’s waist.

It’s... nice. Too nice. For a second, Kai lets himself melt, lets himself dream.

He can’t.

He pushes Soobin away.

“You don’t get to hug me,” Kai says obstinately. “I want to hug Tobin.”

“What?” Soobin looks bewildered. “Why? I’m a way better hugger.”

“Tobin’s softer,” Kai says.

Soobin pouts, and Kai’s heart stumbles in his chest.

“But I miss hugging you, Hueningie~” Soobin sings, opening up his arms again.

“I don’t,” Kai says, not moving.

“Lies,” Soobin says, and then he’s nestling close and nearly backing Kai up against the wall. Soobin’s arms are around him again, and Kai forgets how to breathe.

It’s been one long month, and perhaps Kai hasn’t been honest with himself.

Half of the reason why they haven’t been sleeping together is because Kai’s purposely been going to sleep early so he doesn’t have to watch Soobin play video games with someone who isn’t him.

The other half of the reason is, well. He needs to get over this... phase. His little crush on Soobin. It’s ridiculous. Soobin is straight as a ruler, and — most importantly — his best friend. He needs to get over whatever he’s feeling, needs to stop dwelling over that Dream and every single touch Soobin gives him.

It’s a pipe dream. 

So it’s been one long month since they slept together or really spent much time together at all, but now Soobin’s in bed with him again and everything, the feelings, the electricity, flood back. His body flushes, warm and tingly.

He wants more.

He wants: Soobin wrapped up around him, every night. He wants: Soobin’s large hands on his body, on his skin, in his hair. He wants: Soobin’s distractingly full lips on his own, wants Soobin pressed firm against him, wants everything.

Kai takes a deep breath, breathes in the scent of Soobin — once comforting, now maddening.

He sits up.

“I’m getting Tobin,” he announces. “Go away, hyung.” He clambers down.

Soobin sits up too, hair tousled.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

Soobin has always been too observant.

“Nothing,” Kai says unconvincingly, gathering his plushies into his arms.

“I’m sorry I pushed them off,” Soobin offers.

“It’s okay,” Kai mumbles.

“Promise I won’t throw them away when you’re not looking.”

Kai gasps, hand to heart. “Say no more! You’re hurting their feelings.”

“Will you please put the plushies in the bottom bunk and come to bed?” Soobin asks plaintively.

Kai fumbles and drops them all.

“I just feel like we haven’t talked in awhile,” Soobin continues.

“We literally talk everyday,” Kai says, picking up his plushies again.

Soobin doesn’t say anything, so Kai chances a look up.

Soobin looks... sad.

In a heartbeat, Kai‘s chucking his plushies on the bottom bunk and climbing back up, crawling back in the space between the wall and Soobin.

Soobin doesn’t say anything.

Great. Kai’s gone and fucked it all up again.

“Happy now?” Kai tries, attempting a teasing lilt.

“Hmm,” Soobin says. For the first time in over 1.5 years, Kai can’t read him.

Kai rubs a hesitant circle on Soobin’s tummy.

“What’s up?” he asks.

Soobin doesn’t say anything, just twists his lips a little bit in that telltale sign that means he has plenty to say.

Kai stays quiet. Anytime now.

Sure enough, Soobin eventually says: “I just had a fight with Mijung.”

Kai’s hand pauses.

“What?” Kai says. “What happened?”

“There’s a new trainee in JYP,” Soobin says slowly. “Mijung says she’s not very... attractive, so no one really talks to her. I told her she should take the first step. Do you know what she said?” Soobin laughs wryly. “She said she doesn’t care. I was like, what do you mean? And she said she doesn’t talk to fat people. Can you believe it?”

“That’s not very nice,” is all Kai manages.

“Yeah, so I asked her, like, would you stop dating me if I suddenly gained weight? And she looked me straight in the eye and said yes.I just — wow.”

“I thought Mijung was cool,” Kai says.

“Yeah, I thought so too.” Soobin releases a deep sigh. “I tried to talk sense into her. We’re so much more than our looks. I mean, I hate my nose. That doesn’t mean I should hate myself, right?”

“I like your nose,” Kai says loyally.

Soobin quirks an eyebrow. “Does that mean you like me?”

Kai lets out a surprised laugh.

Outside, Beomgyu suddenly starts shouting: “Take that, fuckers!”

For the first time since they moved in, Kai thanks his lucky stars for Beomgyu’s extremely vocal gaming habits.

“What happened after that?” Kai asks quickly. “Are you guys... talking?”

“Not really,” Soobin says. “I got mad and we called it a night. I sent her back to her dorm, and now here I am.”

Kai gives Soobin a quick hug. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“What for?” Soobin asks, bemused. He pulls Kai in, holds him close. Kai’s breath catches. It’s too much yet not enough.

“I don’t know,” Kai says honestly. “Just — I’m sorry you’re sad. Or mad. I’m sorry I pushed you away?”

Soobin runs his fingers through Kai’s hair, and Kai wonders vaguely if Soobin does that with Mijung too.

“I’d still like you even if you gained weight,” Kai mumbles, and immediately wants to kick himself.

”No duh,” Soobin says. “You’re trying to make me fat, aren’t you? From all the bread and pastries you’ve been buying me.”

“All the more to touch,” Kai sings softly, patting Soobin’s stomach.

“Do you think we should break up?” Soobin asks suddenly.

Kai is dumbfounded.

“This isn’t the first argument we’ve had,” Soobin continues. “Mijung’s awesome, don’t get me wrong, but she‘s really... something.”

Kai weighs his next words carefully.

“Are you... happy? With her?” he asks.

“I used to be,” Soobin says. “But Mijung and I — we’re really different, the two of us. The way she thinks, the way she sees the world... I don’t know. She’s always so concerned about how she looks to other people, you know? To the point where she doesn’t — she doesn’t really look inward, at herself. At who she is. At the kinds of things she believes in.” Soobin sighs. “I just don’t know.”

There are many things Kai wants to say, wants to do. He wants to jump around, wants to pump his hands, wants to say _yes_. _Yes_ , break up with her, you deserve better, you deserve someone who won’t leave you just because of your fucking looks. Is Mijung stupid? Does she not see just what an amazing, beautiful catch Soobin is?

“Hyung,” Kai says instead. “If you break up with her, I’ll support you.”

“But,” Soobin says, “doesn’t that just make mea terrible boyfriend?”

“Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?” Kai asks.

“No.”

“It’s not wrong to break it off early if you’re going to do it sometime down the road anyway,” Kai says.

He doesn’t speak from experience, but it makes sense.

Soobin’s hand stills in his hair.

“I never thought about it like that,” Soobin says thoughtfully.

“Since when do you think, hyung?” Kai teases.

“Ya, you punk —“

Kai ducks away, laughing, but he’s trapped between the wall and Soobin, whose arms are unfairly long, so there’s not much he can do when Soobin grabs him by both shoulders and slams him down into the mattress, looming over him and grinning victoriously.

The laughter dies in Kai’s throat.

Soobin’s leaning over him, elbows trapping him in, hair messy and sticking up in funny places. Kai’s heart jumps in funny places.

He must be making a weird expression, because the smile slides off Soobin’s face and he just looks thoughtful, lips quirking. His right dimple deepens.

Kai glitches, reaching up to poke Soobin’s dimple. It’s exactly how he imagined it to feel.

“Soft,” he says, by way of explanation.

“Thanks?” Soobin says tentatively. 

Kai cups Soobin's cheek, relishes the feeling of his soft skin. Flutters his fingers down his jaw. Tugs at Soobin's ear. Soft. So soft. 

Soobin leans into his touch, a small smile tugging at his lips, and Kai is struck with the intense desire to tangle his fingers in the soft hairs at the nape of Soobin's neck, to pull him down, just to see if Soobin will follow along or pull away. 

God. What is he thinking? He can't. 

It takes all of Kai’s willpower to remove his hand from Soobin’s face.

The door slams open. Soobin jerks away.

“The fuck?” Yeonjun says, glancing up from his phone. He proceeds to flop into bed. “Soobinie, you’re way too huge to be bothering other people in bed.”

Soobin clears his throat.

“Don’t make me come down and bother you,” Soobin threatens.

“Come at me,” Yeonjun says lazily.

Soobin half-looks like he’s about to take up Yeonjun’s offer, but then he pauses and lies back down.

“Nah,” Soobin says, just as lazily. “Not worth it.”

“Mm’kay,” Yeonjun says. “You’re back early. Aren’t you supposed to be out on a date?”

Kai holds his breath.

“About that,” Soobin says. That thoughtful look flits across his face again. “I don’t think I’ll be going on anymore dates.”

—

The break up is awful. Soobin comes back looking ashen, and no amount of plying him with bread helps. Kai even brings him out for BBQ and grills the meat for him, but Soobin stays pensive throughout it all.

The only times Soobin comes back looking a little less like he’s half a breath from expiring are when Yeonjun drags him out for “walks”. They always return giggly and smelling like alcohol, Yeonjun pocketing his fake ID card with deep satisfaction and Soobin hanging off him.

Kai isn’t jealous at all.

Not that much changes, anyway. Soobin still isn’t around most nights post-practice. He’s just out with Yeonjun instead of Mijung, which Kai supposes he should be thankful for. Beomgyu usually goes out with his Daegu friends too, so Kai finds himself spending a lot of time with Taehyun, chilling in the living room together, playing mobile games or cracking their heads over homework. Sometimes Taehyun tests his newest magic tricks on Kai, which Kai appreciates. He‘s pretty sure Taehyun only ever shows him his magic tricks because he has, like, the best reactions ever.

Like right now.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Kai says, gasping dramatically, eyes rolling to the skies. “Where could it _possibly_ be?”

Taehyun snaps the King card from thin air. Honestly, it’s really legitimately impressive.

“You know, you’re a genius,” Kai says. “Like, really. If you weren’t an idol-in-training you’d be a world-famous magician or a professor with medals and shit.”

“Professors don’t have medals,” Taehyun says.

“They do!”

“Some of them win awards.”

“Same thing.”

“No, Kai, it’s really not —“

“The _point_ is, you’re amazing.”

“Oh.” Taehyun looks surprised, then a little pleased. “Thank you.”

“Does it work?” Kai asks. “Playing magic tricks to attract the girls?”

Taehyun raises an eyebrow. “Is that why you think I learn magic?”

“What other reason is there?”

Taehyun flicks a card at him. Hard. His expert fingers send the card straight into Kai's jugular. Ow. 

“Magic is an art,” Taehyun tells him haughtily. “Not a means to an end.”

Kai rubs his throat sheepishly.

“But,” Taehyun says, swiping the card back up. “In answer to your question. Yes. It does work. Girls love it.”

“Ooh,” Kai says. “Did it work? Have you ever picked up a girl using magic?”

Taehyun purses his lips. “Something like that,” he says.

“What do you mean, something like that, it’s either a yes or a no,” Kai says.

“Well,” Taehyun says, and he looks like he’s struggling with something. “I picked someone up, yeah. A boy.”

Kai blinks. A boy?

“I’m bi,” Taehyun says simply.

Kai snaps his mouth closed.

“Oh,” Kai says. Oh. The words press against the back of his tongue, burning into his eyeballs, burning with the desire to be vocalised. “Oh my god. Oh my _god_.”

Taehyun’s eyes narrow, and his face starts to close off. 

“No, no,” Kai says, trying to salvage the situation before it turns south. “I’m cool, I’m super cool with it, haha, I’m the coolest. I mean. Not the coolest in the cool way. Never mind! Thanks for telling me, that’s really brave of you, Taehyunie, uh, I know this might sound sudden but — I’m pretty sure I’m gay?”

Kai doesn’t know why he says it like a question. All he knows is that the words are out, swimming in the air between them, and it’s real. He’s made it real.

He’s gay.

Oh, god.

“Wow,” Taehyun says slowly. It sounds like wo-o-ow. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Kai just stares at him, eyes wide.

“Kai? Breathe,” Taehyun says. “You look like you’re gonna puke.”

Kai sucks in a sharp breath.

"You okay?" Taehyun asks. 

"Totally," Kai says unconvincingly. "Is he your boyfriend? Do you have a boyfriend?" 

"Nah. We dated, like, a month," Taehyun says. "It was fun while it lasted, but I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship right now." 

Kai swallows. He picks up a card, feeling strangely bold. Liberated, knowing he's not alone. 

“Teach me your ways,” Kai tells Taehyun, placing the card back down on the table. “There’s someone I wanna pick up too.”


	6. under the table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was aiming for the armchair, he swears, but somehow he ends up on Soobin’s lap.
> 
> “Oof,” Soobin says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: underage drinking and drug use in this chapter! don't worry, nothing hard 
> 
> korea's pretty famed for its strong drinking culture, so enter drunk!boys ;-)

They place first for their first monthly evals. They work well as a team. Extremely well. To celebrate, the hyungs bring back enough soju to knock out an elephant.

“You guys are terrible influences,” Taehyun remarks from the couch.

“A little underage drinking won’t hurt anyone,” Yeonjun says, grinning wickedly.

“Kai’s just a baby,” Beomgyu adds.

Kai splutters. He is _not_.

“He and Taehyunie are the same age,” Soobin points out. “He’ll be fine. Right, Huening-ah?”

Kai nods enthusiastically. He’s never had alcohol before, apart from the tiny sips of beer his dad had let him try when he was younger. He’d hated it.

But he’s determined not to hate soju, only because he’s seen how it loosens Soobin up, calms him down, makes him tipsy and happy in ways he’s been trying so hard but failed to achieve.

It’s been about a month since the break-up, but Soobin’s still not the same as he was.

“Fried chicken?” Beomgyu asks hopefully.

“Ordered and on the way,” Yeonjun says, waving his phone.

“You’re the best,” Beomgyu says happily, and puts his feet on Taehyun’s lap.

“Excuse me,” Taehyun starts, and then he and Beomgyu are bickering and throwing punches at each other on the couch.

They end up seated in the living room around the coffee table, Taehyun’s arm hooked around Beomgyu’s on the couch, Soobin squashed next to Kai on the armchair meant for one and Yeonjun sat on the floor pouring shots.

“Since it’s our maknae’s first time,” Yeonjun says, and Kai doesn’t like where this is going. “Three shots to celebrate.” He pushes three shot glasses across the table.

“What — what about Beomgyu? Taehyunie?” Kai says nervously.

Beomgyu and Taehyun blink at him.

“Am I the only one who hasn’t drunk before?” Kai whines.

“I _told_ you guys, he’s a baby,” Beomgyu says.

“All the more reason we should train him up,” Yeonjun reasons. “So he can go out into the big, bad world without fear.”

“How lucky you are,” Soobin tells Kai, resting a warm hand on Kai’s thigh. Kai knocks his shoulder into Soobin’s in jest, sends a smile his way. Soobin smiles back, looking a little less gray.

“One shot for everyone else,” Taehyun announces. “So Kai doesn’t get lonely.”

And that’s how, a little less than an hour later, Kai ends up in Yeonjun’s lap, drinking straight from the bottle.

Taehyun and Beomgyu are chanting _chug, chug, chug_ and Soobin’s looking on in mild concern as Kai swallows and swallows and swallows, Yeonjun solid against Kai’s back, soju bottle cold between his lips.

Everything’s a little hazy. They’d been playing a game. With cards? Taehyunie’s precious magic cards. Kai remembers Taehyun protesting and Beomgyu completely ignoring him. There had been a soju bottle in the middle, and the game had involved drawing cards and rules and creating the most disgusting concoction ever.

Kai doesn’t want to think about the fried chicken floating somewhere in the bottle he’s drinking from.

He knocks back the last dregs.

“Done!” he says proudly, resurfacing and smacking his lips. That wasn’t so bad — but then again, he might be too drunk to properly taste things. Whatever. Being drunk is _fun_.

“Good boy,” Yeonjun coos, and Kai blushes. He can’t help it. It’s the Yeonjun Effect. He’d never expected to be friends with Yeonjun, even after the whole Kwangha incident three months back, so it’s still a little overwhelming to be here, in the same group as Big Hit’s legendary trainee — and on his lap, no less.

How did he even get on Yeonjun’s lap? He can’t quite remember.

“How about another?” Yeonjun offers, reaching around Kai and pouring another shot.

“No, I think that’s enough,” Soobin cuts in. “Kai, c‘mon, get back here.” He pats the space next to him.

“Awww, hyung,” Beomgyu says. “You’re no fun.”

“Weren’t you just calling Kai a baby?” Taehyun asks.

“Shut the fuck up,” Beomgyu tells Taehyun, as Kai obediently gets up, stumbling over to Soobin.

He was aiming for the armchair, he swears, but somehow he ends up on Soobin’s lap.

“Oof,” Soobin says.

“Oops?” Kai says, and he’s blushing again. He tries to scramble off, but Soobin just shifts underneath him, spreads his legs wide open so Kai’s seated on the chair, wedged between Soobin’s thighs.

“Messy,” Soobin murmurs, reaching around and wiping the side of Kai’s mouth, where some of the soju must have dripped out by accident.

If he were sober, he’d have long jerked away. But he’s feeling all loose and warm and pliant, and Soobin’s chest is soft but firm, and Soobin’s wrapping his arms around his waist. Everything feels so _right_.

He’ll let himself have this. Just for one night.

They start on a new game — Never Have I Ever. Now that they’re all a little tipsy, lips a little looser, the conversation takes a lewd turn. They’re boys. It’s only normal.

“Never have I ever,” Beomgyu declares, “jacked off to porn.”

“Fucking liar!” Yeonjun says.

“I speak only the truth,” Beomgyu insists.

“Oh my god,” Taehyun groans, downing his shot. Soobin and Yeonjun follow suit, and Kai just wants to die.

“Kai?” Yeonjun teases. “Don’t be shy.“

“Nothing leaves this room, guys,” Soobin pipes up from behind Kai.

“Haha!” Kai says nervously. “I really haven’t!”

 _”_ Do you need recommendations —“ Yeonjun starts, but Taehyun cuts in.

“Never have I ever kissed a girl,” Taehyun says.

“Boring,” Beomgyu complains, and everyone but Taehyun and Kai take a shot.

It’s a good thing Kai’s so inexperienced. Any more alcohol, and he might actually pass out.

“Never have I ever...” Soobin says slowly. He shifts behind Kai, pulls him in closer. “... kissed a boy.”

Maybe passing out isn’t such a bad idea.

Yeonjun starts laughing. “I don’t think —“ he starts, and then his jaw drops when Taehyun takes a shot.

“Hooooooly shit,” Beomgyu says, turning to stare at Taehyun. “You — but you — holy shit.”

Everyone’s eyes are on Taehyun, but Kai can feel Soobin staring at him.

Kai squirms.

Meanwhile, Yeonjun’s pointing an accusatory finger at Taehyun and saying, squeakily: “I thought you were straight!” Yeonjun jabs his finger. “You even gave me all that advice last week about Yumi!” Yeonjun’s long-time girlfriend.

Taehyun shrugs. “Relationships are all the same?”

“That is so cool,” Beomgyu breathes, eyes big. “I’ve never met a gay person before.”

Behind him, Soobin snorts out a laugh.

“I’m bi,” Taehyun tells him.

“Oh,” Beomgyu breathes. “That’s even cooler.”

“Wait, so — last month you were dating someone,” Yeonjun says, still looking a little wild around the eyes, “That was a dude? What the fuck man? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Taehyun laughs. “You just assumed, and it never really came up?”

Kai’s mind is reeling a million miles per hour. He’s got that urge again. The little voice in his head that screams at him to say it, just tell them, it’s no biggie, they’re cool with it anyway.

He’s so absorbed battling himself, he doesn’t notice everyone looking at him expectantly until Soobin pokes his cheek.

“Your turn,” Soobin says.

“Uh,” Kai says eloquently. Fuck. What does he say? “Never have I ever... kissed anyone at all?”

“A _baby_ ,” Beomgyu hisses, and Kai throws a cushion at his face.

“Never have I ever reached third base,” Yeonjun says, looking mischievously in Kai’s direction.

He’s targeting Soobin, Kai realises. He doesn’t want to know. He really doesn’t want to know.

Soobin shifts uncomfortably behind Kai. “Can we not go there?” he asks quietly, and suddenly everyone’s extremely interested in their shot glasses. “But no,” he adds. “I haven’t, either.”

Thank god.

“Sorry,” Yeonjun says, contrite, and downs his own shot as punishment.

“My turn,” Beomgyu says quickly. “Never have I ever _wanted_ to kiss a boy.”

He looks curiously around at them, and god, it’s so obvious, he’s trying to figure out if any of them apart from Taehyun have... alternative preferences too.

Taehyun reaches for a shot, staring at Kai.

Fuck, he’s too drunk for this.

Kai takes a shot too.

Behind him, Soobin goes stiff.

“Ha!” Beomgyu crows. “I knew it!”

“ _What?_ ” Yeonjun‘s eyes are huge. “You too? Our innocent baby? What the fuck — is _everyone_ gay?”

“Just Kai,” Taehyun says. “I’m bi, remember?”

“You know what I mean,” Yeonjun splutters.

“It’s not a big deal,” Soobin says. “They’re just labels. Right, hyung?”

Yeonjun goes all subdued. “Yeah, of course.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m just surprised, is all.”

“Yeah,” Soobin says, turning to stare at Kai, who stares at the wall opposite and wishes for a quick, merciless death. “Me too.”

—

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

It’s the morning after, and Kai’s nursing the mother of all headaches. He has so many regrets.

“Leave me alone,” he moans, covering his head with his covers. He’s been hiding out in bed all morning, trying to shield his eyeballs from the searing daylight. At least it’s a Saturday. Small mercies.

“Hueningie,” Soobin whines, standing next to his bed.

“My head hurts,” Kai whimpers.

“Did you take any Tylenol?” Soobin asks.

“...no,” Kai says. His mom always told him too much Tylenol was bad for him, so he just never takes them at all.

“Once in awhile is fine, silly,” Soobin says when Kai tells him that, and leaves to get him a glass of water and Tylenol.

“Thank you,” Kai says weakly, knocking them back when Soobin returns.

“Why’d you tell Taehyun and not me?” Soobin asks again.

“Mmph,” Kai says, rolling around so he can’t see Soobin’s face. “Taehyun told me first, so I figured I might as well tell him.”

“Oh.” Pause. Then Soobin climbs up and sits next to Kai in his bed. It’s a good thing their dorm has a tall ceiling, or Soobin would most definitely have hit his head.

“Remember when you asked me what kissing was like?” Soobin asks. He places a hand on Kai’s head, strokes his hair. “And you asked me about kissing boys? Why didn’t you tell me then?”

Kai’s ears burn. “I don’t know,” he mumbles.

“Don’t you trust me?” Soobin asks, voice tight.

Goddamn it.

“Of course,” Kai says. He doesn’t know what else to say. How’s Kai supposed to tell Soobin that he wants to kiss boys when the “boys” in question involve Soobin?

“I trust you, hyung,” Kai adds, just to make sure he’s extra clear on that front. “Really, really. Still my best friend.”

“ _Still_?” Soobin asks, feigning indignation. “We will always be best friends!”

“Always,” Kai corrects himself.

“Is there anything else I should know?” Soobin asks carefully.

 _Apart from my embarrassingly huge crush on you?_ Kai doesn’t say.

“No.”

“What about that dream?”

“What dream?”

“You know.” Soobin clears his throat. “ _That_ dream.”

Ah, the dream that started it all.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kai lies.

Soobin’s fingers curl around the shell of his ear, and Kai shivers.

“You’re still not talking to me,” Soobin says, sounding disappointed.

“I’m in pain,” Kai mumbles. “What do you want from me?”

Soobin sighs, then rubs circles into Kai’s temple.

“Better?” he asks.

Kai hums in agreement.

“C’mere,” Soobin says, shifting himself so he’s sitting sideways, back resting against the wall. He pats his lap.

Reluctantly, Kai pushes himself off and pillows his head on Soobin’s lap, lets Soobin press firm fingers into his temples.

It’s too close for comfort, yet so comfortable.

“How are you, hyung?” Kai asks softly, looking up at Soobin.

Even from this angle, Soobin looks good. Kai traces the outline of his jaw, his cheekbones, the captivating curve of his lips, highlighted gold from the rays of sun drifting through the window.

“Hangover-free,” Soobin says. “I didn’t drink as much as you.”

“No, I mean —“ Kai searches Soobin’s face, “— how are you?”

Soobin’s mouth twists ugly in the sunlight.

“I’m fine,” he says.

“You’ve been drinking a lot,” Kai says. “With Yeonjun.”

“Just a few drinks here and there,” Soobin says casually.

“You never used to drink.”

“We all change, don’t we?”

“You can talk to me about it,” Kai presses.

“So can you.”

The silence is deafening. A few birds chirp outside the window. It’s spring, and the sun is overly excited about it, and suddenly everything else about the weather outside seems really interesting.

Soobin’s normally a stream-of-consciousness kind of talkative person, so this silence from him is deeply unnerving.

“I’m glad Yeonjun’s taking care of you,” Kai says awkwardly.

Soobin blows out a sigh. “Yeah,” he says. “It’s just been — confusing.”

Kai softens. “I’m always here for you,” he says.

“Thank you.” Soobin smiles down at him.

“No, thank you,” Kai murmurs, leaning into one of Soobin’s hands and closing his eyes.

“Always,” Soobin replies, and Kai lets himself drift off.

—

They’re deep in the midst of training for their second monthly evals when it happens.

More accurately, Kai’s in bed, exhausted from a day of training and seconds from dropping off to sleep, when it happens.

The front door slams open.

“I NEED HELP,” Yeonjun yells.

Kai startles awake and almost falls out of bed.

“What happened?” He hears Beomgyu ask from the living room.

“I don’t know, fuck,” Yeonjun says. “C’mon, help me get his shoes off.”

Kai clambers out of bed.

“What’s going on?” Kai asks. Soobin’s draped over Yeonjun’s shoulders, head lolling. Taehyun and Beomgyu are crouched over his feet, trying to get his shoes off.

Soobin looks up blearily, meets his eyes.

“Hueningie,” Soobin sings, his voice high and breathy and odd. The first thing Kai notices is — is how _good_ Soobin looks. Soobin’s dressed to kill in skintight black jeans and a chiffon white shirt, so thin it’s almost translucent. He’s breathtaking. Soobin stumbles out of his shoes, walks a few unstable steps towards Kai.

Kai darts forward the rest of the way, catches Soobin before he collapses on the floor.

Soobin smells musky and unfamiliar — like cologne mixed with... is that perfume?

“What happened?” Kai asks, peering over Soobin’s shoulder. Soobin’s slumped over him bonelessly. Boy, he’s heavy. “Why’s he so drunk?”

“High,” Yeonjun corrects, stepping out of his own shoes and shutting the door. “I think he took weed, fuck.”

“ _What?_ ” Taehyun says. “How could you —“

“It wasn’t me!” Yeonjun snaps. “I brought him to a club — okay, I know, we’re all underage, we’ve been through that, alright? It’s just, you know how fucked up he’s been over the break-up, and I just thought it’d be nice to have a fun night out, get his mind off things. I’ve got guest list at a few places, and the bouncers know me, so — so they let him in.”

Soobin whines against Kai’s neck. Kai doesn’t shudder.

“Let’s go lie down,” Kai murmurs, and half-carries half-drags him to the couch.

Yeonjun continues: “It was real crowded so I lost him halfway, but I figured he’d be fine, he’s a big boy. Next thing I know, I find him at a table, making out with some cougar, totally out of it. Look at him.”

Everyone stares at Soobin, who seems to have passed out completely on the couch. The top two buttons of his shirt are popped, collarbones bared wide. His lips are smeared with red and his neck is littered with crimson marks.

Hickeys.

Kai doesn’t realise his fists are clenched until his fingernails bite into his palms, almost cutting through skin.

“They had brownies on the table,” Yeonjun says. “I could smell it from metres away. Space cakes. God. I freaked.”

“Isn’t that illegal?” Beomgyu asks, mouth slack.

“It’s a pretty common drug dealt under the table,” Taehyun says.

“Yeah, but still. And the lady was, like, ten years older,” Yeonjun says, wrinkling his nose. “I mean, she was hot, but she definitely did not look like good news.”

Soobin whimpers, frowns in his unconsciousness.

“Don’t you dare bring him to the club again,” Kai says lowly, angrily, and Yeonjun looks startled.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Yeonjun says. “I just thought it’d be fun.”

“I don’t think he’s in the right state to _have fun_ ,” Kai snaps. “He can barely even take care of himself.”

“I’can take’r of m’self,” Soobin slurs. “‘m thirsty.”

Kai starts to get up, but Soobin grabs his wrist in a vice-like grip.

“Don’t go,” Soobin says.

“I’ll get it,” Taehyun says, walking into the kitchen.

“Can you get him undressed?” Yeonjun says. “He reeks. I’m gonna take a shower. Ugh.”

Taehyun returns with a glass of water and a wet cloth, ever pragmatic. Kai takes it, tells him and Beomgyu, who’d been sitting anxiously at the side: “It’s okay, I got this,” and sits Soobin up so he can drink the water without spilling it all over the couch.

“What happened to you, hyung?” Kai asks softly when they leave, kneeling in front of Soobin.

Soobin doesn’t answer, just stares at him intensely. It’s honestly a little disconcerting. Gingerly, Kai reaches forward and unbuttons the rest of Soobin’s shirt, fingers grazing Soobin’s bare skin.

“‘r’you try’na seduce me, Hueningie?” Soobin whispers throatily, eyes dark.

Kai forgives him.

“No,” he says. “I’m taking off your clothes so you can sleep comfortably.”

He pops open the last button. The shirt falls apart with a gentle _swish_. He swallows.

“Let’s get this off,” Kai says, a little hoarse, and reaches around to slide the shirt from Soobin’s shoulders.

Soobin lets him. Then he starts laughing softly, and he’s looking at him through lowered lids, and Kai is Extremely Nervous.

“You’re so cute, Hueningie,” Soobin sings, eyes slightly glazed over. “So sweet. So pretty. Always — always taking care of hyung, hm?” Then his mouth twists, his normally up-curved lips turning down at the edges, and he’s hiccuping, whispering: “I’m so confused, Kai, I — I don’t know what’s happening, I just don’t know, I — Mijung, she —“ Then he tilts over sideways, curling up sideways on the couch, curling in on himself.

Kai has no idea what to do.

“Uh,” he says, trying to sound soothing. “You can cry, hyung, let it all out, it’s okay.”

“I’m not fucking crying,” Soobin says, voice all wobbly.

Kai clears his throat, gestures at Soobin’s pants.

“You wanna take your pants off, hyung?”

“I can’t,” Soobin mumbles. He spreads his hands open, flutters his fingers helplessly. “I can’t feel my fingers. Take it off for me. Please?”

Kai freezes.

It’s nothing, he tells himself. It’s just him helping Soobin out, just a dude helping another dude get comfortable. No big deal. The members are all in the dorm, nothing can possibly happen, it’s fine.

Everything’s fine, he tells himself, as he pushes Soobin over so he’s lying on his back. Super fine, he thinks, as he pops the button open, pulls the zipper down, and Soobin lets out a little whine, and fuck fuck fuck everything is Not Fine.

By some miracle, Kai manages to pull Soobin’s pants down. He looks everywhere but at Soobin, spread out almost naked and breathtaking on the couch, yet he still can’t help but notice the way the lamplight spills across Soobin’s chest, gliding golden over the lines of his abs, just barely there, and highlighting the swell of his thighs against the couch. So much skin, so flawless, so devastating — marred by the hickeys on his neck and the lipstick marks on his skin, reminders of what he can never have.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Kai murmurs, picking up the wet cloth and wiping Soobin’s face gently. He starts with his cheeks, swipes the cloth over his forehead, his closed eyes, down the perfectly straight bridge of his nose, around Soobin’s fascinating lips. They’re just as soft as he’s imagined, and Kai wonders if he can sneak a thumb over, just so he can feel it on his skin. He lingers, makes sure all the lipstick marks are wiped away.

“Thank you,” Soobin slurs drowsily when Kai moves down to clean up his neck, his collarbones, his shoulders. “Thank you Hueningie — what would I do without you?”

Kai thinks about it, thinks about the past near-two years, about the two of them bolstering each other against the world.

“Probably fine,” he mumbles. “You’d just find someone else to be close to.”

“Wrong,” Soobin murmurs, reaching up to swipe a thumb across Kai’s cheekbone, large hand warm on his cheek.

Kai hopes Soobin can’t see him blush in the dim lamplight. He finishes up quickly, stopping just above Soobin’s waist, and stands up.

“You wanna move to your bed, hyung?” Kai asks softly.

“Mm,” Soobin says, blinking sleepily at him, and that sounds affirmative so Kai pulls him up gently, drapes Soobin’s arm around his shoulders.

Soobin’s always been physically affectionate, but under the influence he’s a whole new level of clingy.

“I can’t help you like this,” Kai says weakly, when Soobin completely ignores his attempts to move in a forward direction, instead choosing to wrap both arms obstinately around his shoulders.

Kai’s taller now, so Soobin no longer has to stoop down to hug him. He’s only a head shorter than Soobin. It’s the perfect height for what would be the perfect hug, if only Soobin wasn’t also shaking apart in his arms, trembling, and, god, is he crying?

“Told you it’s okay to cry,” Kai whispers. Something wells in his throat, and he doesn’t know why.

“‘m the worst,” Soobin says wetly into his neck. “‘m so fucked.”

Kai encircles Soobin’s waist with both arms, holds him close, whispers sweet nothings into his ear, _no you’re not, you’re the best, the best thing to happen to me, it’s okay, I’m here, let it all out, you’ll be okay, it’ll get better, I love you, I’ll always be here for you, okay_?

“Love you too,” Soobin mumbles, voice cracking, and then his sobs subside and he’s a little more stable, a little less trembly, so Kai extracts himself from Soobin’s embrace and walks them both slowly to Soobin’s bed, doesn’t pull away when Soobin grips his wrist tight, whispers for him to _stay, please._

He stays.


	7. king of hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What,“ Kai says, trying to sound confident, “what makes you think so?”
> 
> Taehyun rolls his eyes. “Please, it’s so obvious. You look at him like he created the sun and the stars. And the moon. And your teenage libido.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof this chap was difficult to write ;_; but it had to be done!!! *cracks knuckles* 
> 
> please enjoy :-)

Soobin’s avoiding him.

At first Kai thought he’d just been super hungover. He knows the feeling — being hungover had made him want to shove his head under the pillow until the morning after was but a hazy blip in his existence (but then Soobin had come along and made everything better, so). The weird distance between them had continued into the next day, and then the week, and now they’re onto their second week, AKA the week before their second team evals, and Soobin still won’t meet his eyes.

Which is tough, all things considering, since they share a part in the choreography where they’re literally supposed to make winky faces at each other and stun the judges with their team work and chemistry.

The music cuts off.

“Soobin-sshi. Will it kill you to smile?” their dance instructor asks.

Soobin releases a truly horrific smile. His lips turn up at the corners but his eyes stay flat and Kai almost bursts out in hysterical laughter.

“Wow, that’s actually worse,” their instructor says. “Again. From the top.”

They run through the routine again. This time around, Soobin makes a magnificent attempt to smile and wink at Kai, but everything just feels deflated and weird.

Their instructor lets them off with a “you guys must be tired”, but Kai knows better.

“McDonald’s?” he asks Soobin hopefully after practice ends, as he’s done for the past two weeks. He is nothing but consistent.

Unfortunately for him, Soobin is just the same.

“Nah,” he says, looking at the area just slightly next to Kai’s right ear. “I’m tired.”

Then he lopes over to Yeonjun and starts talking animatedly about something.

He definitely doesn’t look tired enough to skip out on _McDonald’s_.

“Did you say McDonald’s?” Taehyun asks from behind. Kai jumps.

“Yes?” Kai says, a little shyly.

Taehyun jerks his head at the door, says: “Shall we?” and loops his arm through Kai’s.

—

“How’d you manage to get a boy to go out with you?” Kai asks, slurping noisily on his near-finished cup of coke. Going to McDonald’s with Taehyun had been a little awkward at first. His friendship with Taehyun had more or less developed out of circumstance, so going out just the two of them with _intention_ feels a little strange.

He’s too used to Soobin.

Guess it’s good to have a change in companionship.

“Do you not remember the magic trick I taught you?” Taehyun says, gnawing on a chicken nugget.

“Yeah, I remember,” Kai says. “But surely he didn’t immediately profess his undying love for you on the spot.”

“Ah,” Taehyun says knowingly. “You’re asking: How did I flirt with him, and how did I know he was flirting back?”

Kai nods, eyes big.

“Yeah, no, that’s a legit question,” Taehyun remarks. “It can be scary, because you never really know if he even swings for your team. I got lucky, I guess. I already knew he was gay. He‘s literally the only person I knew who was gay, before I met you. We were... close.” Taehyun pauses pensively. “Not anymore, obviously.”

“What happened?” Kai asks, chewing on his straw.

Taehyun shrugs. “Life happened. I got too busy. He’s been really busy too. And I wanted to focus on this —“ Taehyun gestures at Kai, and then himself, “— and school. Anyway. Back to your question. Do you remember which card to pull out for that trick I taught you?”

“The King of Hearts?” Kai says through his straw.

Taehyun quirks a smile, looking a little embarrassed. “I told him he was the king of my heart.”

Kai tries his best, really, but he can’t help it. He bursts out laughing.

“Do not mock me!” Taehyun says, going red. “Ugh. Do not take any more lessons from me. Please.”

“Noted,” Kai says, still snorting.

Contemplatively, Taehyun dunks his next nugget of choice in his little saucer of sweet and sour sauce.

“Soooo,” Taehyun says slowly. “About that boy you said you wanted to pick up.”

Kai freezes, mid-straw-nibble.

Taehyun continues: “It’s Soobinie, isn’t it.” It’s not a question.

Kai accidentally gnaws a hole through his straw.

He spits it out.

“What,“ Kai says, trying to sound confident, “what makes you think so?”

Taehyun rolls his eyes. “Please, it’s so obvious. You look at him like he created the sun and the stars. And the moon. And your teenage libido.”

That. Is obviously an outrageous lie. Also, what is a libido even?

Kai says as much.

Taehyun just gives him a pitying look, which Kai does not appreciate.

“Means you wanna fuck him,” Taehyun says plainly.

Kai blinks.

Well.

What does one even say to that?

It’s not that it’s _true_. But it’s also not... untrue. Oh, god. He’s too young for this! Taehyun is a terrible influence.

“Breathe,” Taehyun says, casually popping another nugget into his mouth. “It’s totally normal.”

Kai’s lips are probably white from how hard they’re pressed together. Kai opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again.

“l don’t wanna fuck Soobin,” he makes the mistake of saying.

“So it is Soobin?” Taehyun asks innocently.

 _Fuck_.

“Wow, I hate you,” Kai tells Taehyun.

“Hate you too,” Taehyun replies sweetly.

Kai sighs. “It’s impossible, anyway. He’s so straight. He’s like. The straightest dude ever. Our love can never be. It’s tragic.”

Now Taehyun’s looking at him all sympathetic again, and it really isn’t helping one bit.

“I’m sorry,” Taehyun says simply. “Honestly, I would say he’s just as obsessed about you as you are about him. But you’re right. He‘s also really straight.”

Wow. It feels so much worse when it’s someone else serving the facts to him.

“So you think it’s impossible?” Kai asks, deflating.

Taehyun pushes the little paper carton holding his last nugget over to Kai, gestures for him to have it.

“I didn’t say it’s impossible,” Taehyun says. “I just think it’s going to take a lot more than just a simple magic trick.”

—

Their second evaluation as a team goes well. But not as well as the first.

“SECOND?” Beomgyu yelps. “ARE YOU KIDDING?”

Yeonjun just stares at the board, looking pale. It must be hard, Kai muses to himself, to not rank first for the first time.

The other trainee group that had beat them cheers obnoxiously next to them. Two of them used to be close to Taehyun — Kai recognises them.

“Congrats,” Taehyun says roughly to them. They do a complicated fist bump that looks like a cross between a handshake and a full body wrestle. Kai is extremely confused.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS,” Beomgyu continues saying in real-life caps-lock.

“ME NEITHER,” Kai responds, because someone needs to match up to Beomgyu’s indignation and the hyungs sure as hell don’t look like they’re going to.

“Fuck,” Soobin just says faintly.

Yeonjun leans into Soobin, just as faint. Soobin wraps a familiar arm around an unfamiliar shoulder.

Kai looks away.

—

It all goes downhill from there.

Everyone has different ways of coping. Soobin and Yeonjun don’t even bother staying out for drinks anymore; they just buy back bottles of cheap soju and drink themselves to death on the couch. It’s a little sad, except for the fact that Kai literally never sees Taehyun and Beomgyu around anymore because both of them spend every waking moment practising in the studios. At least Taehyun’s still semi-normal. He cleans up after the hyungs and sleeps at decent 2AMs (as opposed to Beomgyu’s... Kai doesn’t even know; he hasn’t seen Beomgyu in almost three days).

And Kai?

Kai just lies depressively in bed and listens to sad songs. He even dedicates a playlist on Spotify to it, proudly titled “REALLY REALLY SAD SONGS”. Two “really”s to symbolise their group rank: 2. It’s just — he can’t help second-guessing everything. What went wrong? Were his legs too stiff? Did he botch a move and not even realise it? Was it because he hadn’t warmed up his voice properly? Did he not wink convincingly enough at Soobin? Could the judges tell there was something going on between him and Soobin? Could they tell he was _gay_? Oh, god, maybe he shouldn’t even be thinking about debuting. Is he putting the entire group at risk? But no, that’s so last century. But is it, really?

Or.

Is it just him? Is he pulling them down?

After all, he’s kind of a huge imposter. He doesn’t belong in a group full of Rank 1s to 4s. Maybe the judges had finally realised that.

It’s not something Kai dwells about often, but recently he’s been circling back to this thought — before all this grouping business, he was a Rank 6 on a good month and a Rank 7-8 on most months. He doesn’t belong here, in a group where everyone else has consistently been among the top 5.

There can really be about three reasons to explain how he made it here:

  1. As consolation for being the unfortunate victim of Kwangha’s bullying.
  2. His weird face.
  3. Soobin.



Soobin had definitely said something in his favour during their sit-down evaluation with Bang PD.

But now he’s gone and lost Soobin too.

So, there’s that.

When he’s not wallowing in his own misery, he’s eavesdropping on Soobin and Yeonjun’s drunk conversations. Soobin’s voice is still irritatingly beautiful and deep and soothing even in his sorrow and frustration. Kai just really fucking misses Soobin, and listening to him makes Kai even more depressed, which makes him turn on his music again, which makes him feel even sorrier for himself — and this process cycles over and over until he falls asleep from sheer exhaustion.

This goes on for about a week until Taehyun bursts.

“Will you two just get it together?” he snaps, so loudly that Kai hears it through his headphones.

Kai hits pause on REALLY REALLY SAD SONG no. 78.

“Wow, rude,” Yeonjun says, but he doesn’t even sound upset. He just sounds... limpid.

Kai peeks his head out the door.

“We have three weeks left to the next eval and we need to step it up,” Taehyun says, a little calmer.

“He’s right,” Soobin says, slurring his words a little. “Sorry, Taehyunie.”

“Beomgyu‘s been working on a new song,” Taehyun says. He notices Kai lurking in the doorway. “Hi, Kai.”

“What new song?” Kai asks awkwardly.

“An original,” Taehyun says. “He just finished the first cut; it’s pretty good.”

So that’s what Beomgyu’s been up to.

“ _Ooh_ ,” Yeonjun says. There’s a healthy gleam in his eyes again. What a relief. Zombie!Yeonjun had been very disconcerting.

“He needs help with the lyrics,” Taehyun says. “Right now he’s singing about his right shoulder and I’m worried.”

“His right shoulder could be deep,” Soobin points out.

“You’re drunk; your opinion doesn’t count,” Taehyun tells him.

“Rude!” Yeonjun says, but now there’s a little more colour to his voice and he sounds less like death warmed up.

“Anyway, we should perform the song,” Taehyun says. “For next month’s eval. It’s the last one ever. We gotta end with a bang.”

“How do we help?” Kai asks, a tad too eagerly. REALLY REALLY SAD SONG no. 78 won’t stop playing in his head and he’s sick of it. Writing lyrics sounds extremely appealing.

“Easy.” Taehyun starts gathering up the soju bottles, ignoring Yeonjun’s small incoherent noises of protest. “Stop wallowing, and get to work.”

—

“So, we need, like, a metaphor for this song,” Beomgyu says, rubbing bloodshot eyes. Kai suspects Beomgyu hasn’t left the studio in awhile — he’s wearing the same bright pink Pokemon shirt Kai saw him in three days ago, and there’s a blanket strewn on the couch.

“And it definitely shouldn’t involve your right shoulder,” Taehyun adds.

“Hey,” Beomgyu says, looking affronted. “I like that line!”

“Question,” Kai says, “why your right shoulder and not your left?”

Beomgyu’s eyes glaze over.

“What about... both shoulders,” Soobin whispers.

“What about making shoulders the metaphor?” Yeonjun asks helpfully.

Beomgyu snaps his fingers. “Genius!”

“Wait, but —“ Taehyun tries to say.

“This song will be called Shoulders,” Beomgyu declares.

“— don’t you think shoulders are a little —“ Taehyun tries to continue.

“Let’s do a shoulder dance!” Kai cuts in excitedly.

“— lame?” Taehyun finishes.

“We’re talking about shoulders, not legs,” Beomgyu says matter-of-factly.

There’s a slightly confused pause.

“You can’t go lame in your shoulders,” Beomgyu tries to explain.

“I can see why you decided to start your career in entertainment rather than in more intellectual pursuits,” Taehyun says drily.

“Anyway,” Soobin cuts in. “Why don’t we write about our feelings? People love that.”

Beomgyu looks pleased. “Shoulders would make a great metaphor for feelings.”

“Ooh,” Yeonjun says. “Yeah, like, you can cry on my shoulder anytime.”

Beomgyu’s face lights up. “Really?”

Yeonjun holds up both hands. “No, that was just a suggestion — ack, get off!”

Beomgyu has his head wedged on Yeonjun’s shoulder. He looks absurdly pleased about it.

“Soobin-hyung’s right,” Taehyun says, blatantly ignoring Yeonjun’s attempts to pry Beomgyu off his shoulder. “This hasn’t been an easy time for any of us, and, you know, I think this could be a good way to show the judges that we’ve channelled our angst into something productive.”

The room goes so silent, Kai can hear Soobin shaking his leg restlessly. A nervous tic.

“Does that mean we need to talk about... our feelings?” Kai asks, just to break the ice.

“I guess so,” Yeonjun says, looking a little constipated.

Another awkward silence.

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t really know where I’m going in life,” Taehyun offers. “Or whether the track I’m on is the right one.”

“Right,” Beomgyu says. “We might not even be select —“

“Blasphemy!” Yeonjun yelps. “Don’t say it!”

Beomgyu snaps his mouth shut.

“ _Hyung_ , we were just getting somewhere,” Taehyun whines.

“It’s almost like we’re in a maze,” Soobin says, patting Taehyun on the leg. “And we can’t see the exit; we don’t even know if it even exists. Don’t even know if we’ll just end up walking in circles the rest of our lives, destined to never reach the end, to never...”

 _Debut_.

Kai stares at Soobin. Soobin with his lips turned down at the corners, with helplessness in his eyes, with knees clutched tight in his hands. Kai wants to get up, to stumble over to him the way he’s always done, to give him a hug and a good belly rub.

But he can’t. 

“At least we have each other,” Kai says, a little trembly. He doesn’t look away from Soobin’s face _._

Soobin’s eyes slide up to meet his.

“Yeah,” Soobin says, and his eyes are dark with an emotion Kai can’t name. In that moment it feels like he’s speaking to Kai — to Kai, and only to Kai. “Yeah, at least we do.”

—

Their third and final evaluation ends with, as Taehyun had so aptly and eerily predicted, a bang.

Quite literally.

“Ow,” Kai says from the floor, because god fucking damn it, his bad ankle had twisted weird on the last move of their last song and sent him collapsing unceremoniously (and loudly) to the floor.

Right in front of the judges.

It hurts.

It feels like — like the Incident, all over again, lying helpless on the tiled toilet floor with his ankle wrangled and fear in his throat. Like the weight of his expectations, crushing his body. Like disappointment, turning into tar in his lungs.

He can’t breathe.

He’s screwed it all up, screwed them all over, and _he can’t breathe_. 

He curves into himself on the floor, curves around his throbbing ankle.

“— ningie? Hueningie, come on.”

It’s Soobin.

Soobin?

But they haven’t spoken in over a month.

Then Soobin’s gathering him up in his arms — bridal-style, wow — bowing at the judges, apologising, running, Kai in his arms like he weighs nothing.

“Whoa, chill,” Kai tells Soobin as he takes the steps two at a time. This is familiar. Everything feels so familiar, so right. So impossible.

Is he dreaming? If he is, he’s not sure if this is a terrible nightmare or a fantastic dream.

“Your ankle,” Soobin says shortly, glancing down at Kai. “It’s your bad ankle. That was a bad fall. I —“ he cuts himself off, sets his mouth in a hard line. “We’re getting this treated immediately.”

“Stupid ankle,” Kai tries to joke, but then he thinks about the fall again, and then thinking becomes too painful so he doesn’t think at all.

Dr Lee doesn’t look surprised when he sees Kai. Something to do with weak ankles and old injuries and having to stay off strenuous activity, _again_.

Ugh.

Things are woefully awkward between them after Dr Lee ushers them out of the clinic, telling Soobin to take care of him.

“I can ask Taehyunie to take care me,” Kai offers, standing still and frozen on his good leg.

“What,” Soobin says.

“Since you clearly hate me,” Kai says.

Soobin’s perfect mouth forms an ‘o’.

“I don’t hate you,” Soobin says.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

“That doesn’t mean I hate you.”

“What does it mean, then, hyung? Please.” Kai makes an effort to lower his slightly raised voice. “Tell me.”

Soobin’s face goes shuttered, an expression Kai has never seen.

“See?” Kai says. He twists his mouth, looking at the floor and his stupid bandaged ankle. “What did I do wrong, hyung?”

“Nothing,” Soobin says, sounding _wrecked_ , and Kai darts a quick look up. It might’ve been over a month since they last talked, but Kai still prides himself in knowing all of Soobin’s tells. This — the waver in his voice, the ragged quality to it — it’s telling.

Soobin looks just as lost as Kai feels.

“Then,” Kai spreads his arms, gesturing at the space between the two of them. “Why do we feel all wrong?”

Soobin’s fingers twitch by his side, but his lips press together in a straight line.

“Hyung, please.” Maybe Kai’s voice breaks a little. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe he lets his eyes go a little teary. Maybe it’s just really dusty.

“I’m sorry,” Soobin whispers.

“What happened between us?” Kai pleads. “Tell me, so I can fix it.”

“It’s nothing you can fix,” Soobin says helplessly, but he’s taking one step forward, two, and Kai is tripping into his hug, yearning, wanting, needing.

“I miss you,” Kai mumbles into Soobin’s shoulder, fisting his hands into the back of Soobin’s shirt because he won’t let Soobin leave him again.

Soobin sighs, so deep Kai feels it in his own bones. “Me too.” A swallow. Kai feels Soobin’s adam’s apple bob against the top of his head. “Can we just go back to normal? Pretend all this never happened?”

He doesn’t even have to ask.

“Okay,” Kai says. He takes a shuddery breath, relishes the scent of sweaty Soobin. He still smells good. So good, he can’t resist. He sniffs Soobin’s shirt, then Soobin’s neck for good measure, the tip of his nose brushing against Soobin’s skin. “Normal me would say you smell both gross and amazing,” he sighs. “I’ve missed this.”

If he didn’t know any better, it almost feels like Soobin shivers. 

“Well, I haven't missed you sniffing me like a dog," Soobin teases. "Don’t think I haven’t noticed." 

Oops. Has he been that obvious?

Soobin steps away and squats down. “Get on.”

“You just love carrying me around, don’t you,” Kai says, but he happily obliges, clambering onto Soobin’s back. “I’m, like, your very own puppy.”

Soobin laughs, and the sound is golden to Kai’s ears. “You sure stick to me like one.”

“Promise you’ll stick by me too?” Kai asks, a little too honestly. 

It takes a few paces for Soobin to speak.

“I promise,” Soobin utters quietly. Another few more steps, then: “I’m really sorry, Hueningie. Will you forgive me?”

“Of course,” Kai says, squeezing Soobin around the neck where he has his arms wrapped. “Always.”


	8. too far from where you are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So you see us both growing old and spending the rest of our lives together until we die?” Kai prods curiously, turning to look at Soobin too.
> 
> Soobin blinks. “You mean you don’t?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are about to get wild!!! sit tight folks

They don’t talk about The Month — that weird in-between month of silence, awkward avoidance and rejected McDonald’s suppers.

But that’s okay, because Soobin’s back right where he should be, in full force. Perhaps in even fuller force than before. It’s almost as if Soobin’s trying to be more affectionate, more touchy, more confusing to make up for everything. 

For example:

“Here,” Soobin says, plucking Kai’s pen from his hand. “Try this.”

He scribbles an indecipherable equation into Kai’s workbook. Kai squints at it. If that’s supposed to help him understand how to solve the math problem, it’s not helping.

“Explain,” he tells Soobin.

“Bossy,” Soobin mutters, but obligingly launches into a complicated explanation of the solution. He leans over to jot down a few more equations into Kai’s workbook. They’re in the living room, pressed shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh, and maybe Kai’s a little distracted by the way Soobin’s lips pout when he’s focusing on something.

“... and that’s how we arrive at _x_ equals two,” Soobin finishes, and Kai immediately regrets not paying attention when Soobin turns his head to look curiously at Kai.

Their faces are close.

Like, really, physically, noses-nearly-touching kind of close.

Later on, Kai will replay this moment in his head and mentally kick himself over and over again. But right now, in the heat of the moment, Kai lets his gaze drop impulsively to Soobin’s mouth, to the irresistible curve of his heart-shaped lips.

The weird thing is — Soobin doesn’t turn away. The both of them just kind of... hover in each other’s spaces, not breathing (Kai can tell, because Soobin goes utterly still and doesn’t even continue shaking his leg), and when Kai finally drags his eyes up to look at Soobin, Soobin isn’t looking at him.

He’s looking at Kai’s mouth.

Nervously, Kai bites his bottom lip.

“Oh, you’re here,” Beomgyu says, barging out of the bedroom. Soobin leaps away so fast he bangs his knee against the table. “Soobinie, wanna play?” Beomgyu holds up a video game controller, completely oblivious to the tension in the room.

“Uh,” Soobin says eloquently.

Kai just stares at Soobin’s equations, ears burning.

”Sorry dude, I’m helping Kai with homework,” Soobin finally says. “Go on without me.”

“Aw man,” Beomgyu says, still oblivious, and disappears.

Or:

“The wifi here is a lot stronger,” Soobin says without preamble, like he’s trying to prove a point.

“Okay?” Kai says.

Soobin doesn’t move from where he’s standing on the bunk bed ladder, looking at Kai expectantly with his phone clutched tight in his hand.

“Get in here, hyung,” Kai offers, after a beat of confusion. “Before you fall over from how tall you are.”

“Okay,” Soobin says, sounding relieved, and crawls into bed to plonk himself next to Kai.

Then they just kind of lie there awkwardly, Kai mindlessly scrolling through his phone, looking but not really seeing. He’s hyper-aware of Soobin’s every movement, and right now Soobin’s just staring at the ceiling.

Soobin has never asked for express invitation to join Kai in bed before. It’s normal protocol for Soobin to kind of just barge into Kai’s bed permission-less for the sole purpose of annoying him to no end. So this is all very... weird.

Kai blames The Month.

“Can I ask you something?” Soobin asks, extremely uncharacteristically.

“Uh,” Kai says, because what kind of question needs permission to be asked, especially between the both of them? “Sure?”

Very, very weird.

Soobin’s silent for awhile, then: “How did you know you were gay?”

Oh. It’s _that_ kind of question.

“I...” Kai doesn’t really know what to say. “Well, I’m not sure. But when all my friends started talking about girls and, like, holding their hands and stuff, all I could think about was wanting to hold hands with the hottest dudes in class instead of some random girl.”

“Oh,” Soobin says.

“Then again, I hold everyone’s hands now,” Kai says hastily.

“Oh,” Soobin says again. “Yeah, you do.”

“Yeah,” Kai says.

“Okay,” Soobin says.

More mindless scrolling. Next to him, Soobin twitches, like he can’t decide if he should unlock his phone or continue staring at the ceiling like it holds all the answers to life.

“Why do you ask?” Kai blurts.

“... just curious,” Soobin says.

“It’s not... a problem, right?” Kai asks slowly, suddenly panicking.

“No!” Soobin says quickly. “Not at all! What! How could you think that!”

“Still best friends?” Kai asks, just to be sure.

“Always best friends,” Soobin corrects. “For life.”

“For life?” Kai teases. “Really?”

Soobin gives up staring at the ceiling, flopping around so he’s staring at Kai instead. “Yeah, that’s what “always” means,” he says seriously.

“So you see us both growing old and spending the rest of our lives together until we die?” Kai prods curiously, turning to look at Soobin too.

Soobin blinks. “You mean you don’t?”

“It’s not that,” Kai says, though to be fair he doesn’t really think about the future, period. “It’s just —“ _that’s why you broke up with Mijung,_ he almost says. _Because you don’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with her. Not like you do with me._

Kai shakes his head. Soobin’s straight, he tells himself. Don’t read too much into it.

“Just...?” Soobin says, frowning a little.

Kai laughs nervously. “I‘m just surprised you’ve thought so far.”

Soobin’s frown clears, replaced instead by a smug grin. “You see,” he says, booping Kai in the nose. “Hyung _does_ think.”

Kai giggles, digs a finger into Soobin’s right dimple. “I accept,” he declares.

Soobin quirks his lips to the side so that his dimple deepens. “Accept what?”

“Your best friends for life proposal,” Kai murmurs.

“Best friends for life,” Soobin says, catching Kai’s hand in his, twining their pinkies together. “Deal.”

This is a good thing, Kai tells himself firmly, even as something twangs sharp and bittersweet in his heart.

Best friends for life. Just best friends. He can deal with that. Easy.

And, last but not least:

“You’ve all worked hard,” Bang PD says, placing two hands flat on the conference table they’ve gathered around. “And I’m sure you’re looking forward to today’s results.”

Soobin’s knee jiggles nervously next to Kai. Kai places a steady hand on Soobin’s thigh, a reminder. _I’m here_ , he tries to project through three gentle taps of his index finger.

“To the debuting group, congratulations,” Bang PD says. “To the rest of you, don’t be too disappointed. Your time will come, so keep training hard.”

The other trainees around the table nod. Soobin audibly swallows, covering Kai’s hand with his own. He slots their fingers together, curls his hand around Kai’s. 

Kai’s breathing comes a little quicker.

“The group that will be debuting is,” Bang PD pauses, giving the room a significant look. Everyone around the room collectively stops breathing. “Group 1. Yeonjun, Soobin, Beomgyu, Huening Kai and Taehyun. Congratulations. Your new group name? Is TXT.”

Holy shit.

The first thing Kai feels isn’t elation — it’s relief. Relief that his fall in their last evals hadn’t hindered the group’s results. That he hadn’t screwed them over. That he hadn’t pulled them down.

Then Soobin’s enveloping him in a hug, exclaiming excitedly into his ear, _we did it, Hueningie, we did it!_ and Yeonjun and Beomgyu and Taehyun are bounding over, squeezing Soobin and Kai into an epic group hug, and that’s when Kai lets himself really feel it.

They’re _debuting._ They made it.

The rest of the trainees congratulate them one by one. Most of them clap Yeonjun on the shoulder and tell him they’re not surprised. It’s no lie — Yeonjun’s the MVP of the group, but he’s also the picture perfect example of humility; he tells everyone that it was a team effort, that he couldn’t have done it alone, and Kai’s heart swells and swells until he feels like he’s about to burst.

Everyone leaves the room to let them speak to Bang PD and their managers. They’re in the midst of being briefed on next steps when Kai realises:

Soobin’s still holding his hand. Soobin’s been holding his hand this whole time. And there’s really no reason for Soobin to still be holding his hand.

He’s very sure the managers are telling themVery Important things, but right now the most important thing to Kai is Soobin’s fingers casually intertwined with his own.

It’s not that they haven’t held hands before. They’ve held hands _plenty_ of times before, like that very first time Soobin had walked him back to dorm almost two years ago, and that time Kai had slipped on ice and landed on his bum and Soobin had refused to let go of him the rest of the way because Kai was, quote, a walking disaster waiting to happen (again), and that time Soobin comforted Kai in bed after the Incident, and that time Soobin and Kai had challenged each other to see who would jump less during a horror movie and Soobin ended up clenching Kai’s hand so tight, he‘s gone numb in his fingers.

The thing is, all those hand-holding events had reasons.

What’s the reason for _this_?

Now that he’s come to this realisation, Kai can’t stop obsessing over Soobin’s hand on his, like how absurdly huge his palm is, or how long and slender his fingers are, and how much he’d like to see those fingers on other parts of his body.

 _You look at him like he created your teenage libido,_ Taehyun’s voice suddenly floats unbidden into his mind.

Kai narrows his eyes at the real Taehyun sitting opposite him, completely oblivious to Kai’s situation. Kang Taehyun, #1 Bad Influence.

“... training in Los Angeles next month,” Bang PD finishes.

Beomgyu and Yeonjun both make unintelligible noises of excitement. Taehyun’s mouth falls open. Soobin squeezes Kai’s hand.

Wait, what?

“We’re going to LA!” Yeonjun exclaims, as if he’d heard Kai’s silent question, and throws his hands in the air.

—

When Yeonjun had yelled “we’re going to LA” with his hands in the air, Kai had thought they’d be going for, like, a week. Maybe two, tops.

“Three months,” he whispers to himself, staring out the window. It’s barely been 20 minutes since their plane lifted off, but he already feels homesick.

“It’ll be over before you know it,” Soobin says helpfully from beside him.

Kai doesn’t answer, just continues staring at the fluffy, white clouds outside the window. The plane’s engines roar quietly in the background.

“Maybe we can even visit Hawaii,” Soobin says. “What do you say?”

“Sounds cool,” Kai murmurs. He doesn’t remember much about Hawaii, but the thought is nice.

“Shall we watch a movie?” Soobin offers, placing a gentle hand on Kai’s thigh.

“Okay,” Kai says, turning around to give Soobin a small smile for his efforts. It’s maddening how Soobin always knows just the right amount of consolation and distraction to make Kai feel better. It makes Kai want to tell him about all his other worries — about his persistent feelings of inferiority, about his fear of pulling the group down post-debut, about missing his family, about wanting something (someone) so much it carves through his chest like a knife knowing he’ll never have it, about never finding love and living to grow old and die alone.

Maybe he’s just being dramatic.

They turn on Spider-Man: Homecoming, giggling and counting down under their breaths so they click play at the same time. The movie is enthralling, but Kai keeps getting distracted by Soobin’s hand on his thigh, the warmth from his hand seeping through the thin cotton of his sweatpants. It drives Kai mad.

Desperate, Kai slips his hand beneath Soobin’s, laces their fingers together. There, that’s better. He can’t feel Soobin’s warmth spreading like wildfire through his body any longer.

Soobin doesn’t react except to stroke his thumb across Kai’s hand. Little by little, Kai relaxes into his chair, anchored by Soobin’s hand on his. The dull whir of the plane’s engines pulls at him, the explosions on the screen fade slowly and... and Kai lets sleep take him.

Vaguely, he registers Soobin turning off the movie and pulling the headphones from his ears, whispering: “Sweet dreams, baby,” and nudging Kai’s head gently into the space between his jaw and his shoulder.

Soobin keeps his hand wrapped around Kai’s, and Kai feels his heart wrap around the little special space he’s reserved for Soobin, round and round and round until it’s impossible to tell where he ends and Soobin begins.

—

Two weeks into their LA trip, Kai finds himself in a bit of a crisis.

He’ll be the first to acknowledge his complete and utter lack in knowledge about dating and flirting and any of those fun things, and so this is how Kai ends up completely blindsided.

“You what now?” Taehyun says, jaw dropping the way it does when he’s either spacing out or extremely shocked.

“You heard me,” Kai says irritably, buttoning up the only respectable shirt he owns. It’s a loose yellow shirt Yeonjun had forced him to buy at a ridiculously hipster LA vintage shop the other day, to which he’d whined incessantly _hyung you could at the very least buy it for me_ while Yeonjun steadfastly ignored him.

In any case, Kai’s now glad that Yeonjun forced him to buy something that, one, isn’t a hoodie, and two, is remotely fashionable. At least he thinks it’s fashionable. It was hand-picked by Yeonjun himself, so it must be passable by most standards.

“You gave him your number,” Taehyun repeats incredulously, “texted him all of three times, and now you’re going on a _date_ with him?”

“What — no, this isn’t a date!” Kai says.

“You’re going to dinner and the movies,” Taehyun laments, “on a Friday night, just the two of you, and he’s gay!”

“How do you even know he’s gay?” Kai asks. As far as he can tell, the cute friendly guy he’d apparently agreed to go out on a date with seemed... like any normal dude from their dance academy. Even his name sounds normal. Nick.

“I can just tell,” Taehyun says.

“You couldn’t tell with me,” Kai points out.

“I had my suspicions,” Taehyun says obstinately.

“You think I should wax my hair then?” Kai asks, suddenly anxious. If this is a date, he should probably wax his hair, right? That’s what Yeonjun and Soobin always used to do before going out with their girlfriends.

“Why‘s Hueningie waxing his hair?” Soobin asks, popping into Kai’s bedroom.

“No reason,” Kai squeaks, at the same time Taehyun, the traitor, says: “Kai’s going on a date.”

Kai turns betrayed eyes on Taehyun, who blinks innocently at him.

“Oh,” Soobin says, and why’s he still hovering about in the doorway like that? “Hm,” he adds. Then he crosses his arms.

Kai rolls his eyes. “Taehyun insists it’s a date but I think Nick’s just being friendly.”

“Yeah, like let’s-have-dinner-and-watch-a-movie-just-the-two-of-us kind of friendly,” Taehyun says unhelpfully.

“Whatever,” Kai says. “Hyung, will you help me?”

“Help...” Soobin says, “with what?” In the shadow of the doorway, his face looks extra stormy. He must be having a bad day.

“Wax my hair for me.” Kai tucks his shirt into his black slacks, looks at himself in the mirror, then tucks it back out. ”If Taehyunie’s right, this’ll be my first date ever!”

It’s a good thing, anyway, Kai thinks as Soobin frowns and stalks away. Maybe it’ll temper his feelings for Soobin.

“Who’s Nick again?” Soobin asks when he returns with Yeonjun’s hair gel. Taehyun has since made himself scarce, but not without mouthing _I think Soobin’s jealous_ and winking horribly at Kai first.

Kai has no idea what Taehyun means. Soobin’s obviously straight.

“One of the guys from our dance academy,” Kai says. “You know, the really tall one? We were in a class together just yesterday!”

Soobin frowns at Kai through the mirror. “Taller than me?” he asks, scooping a pea-sized wad of gel out.

Kai blinks at Soobin. “I think so?” he says. “I’m not sure. I’ll measure his height later for you, if you want.”

Soobin rubs the gel all over his palms — a little aggressively, in Kai’s opinion. “You don’t have to do that,” he says. “When did he get your number?”

Why does this feel like an interrogation?

“He asked,” Kai replies, “after class yesterday. When you were zoned out on the floor, do you remember? And we had to go over and kick you awake?”

Soobin cracks a small grin. “Shut up,” he says. Then his face goes serious again. “How old is he?”

“I think he’s one year older than me,” Kai says.

“Hm,” Soobin says again, combing his fingers through Kai’s hair. He has that look on his face, the one he gets when he’s unhappy about something.

“What’s wrong?” Kai asks.

Soobin’s face clears. “Nothing’s wrong!” he says. “I’m happy for you. Just a little worried, that’s all.”

“I’m almost 17,” Kai reminds him. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

Soobin’s fingers go still in Kai’s hair. “Yeah. I know. Just — just be careful, ‘kay? Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Hysterical laughter bubbles from Kai’s throat. “Okay, so no heavy drinking, taking weed and making out with random women in a club?” He ticks off his fingers.

Soobin’s face goes red. “That was _one_ night,” he splutters. “Hueningie. Please. You know what I mean.”

“I know,” Kai says, laughter subsiding in his throat. “That was a hard time for you, huh, hyung?”

It’s been a little more than two months since Soobin’s drunken fiasco and about a month since The Month, and the good news is that Soobin seems to have completely recovered from the break-up. The bad news? They still haven’t talked about any of it.

They used to be able to tell each other everything.

“Yeah,” Soobin says, avoiding his eyes. “Let’s not talk about it.”

Case in point.

“Anyway, it probably isn’t even a date,” Kai tells Soobin. Then a thought occurs to him. “But if it is,” Kai says slowly, “— what if he tries to kiss me?”

According to Hollywood movies, Americans tend to kiss on their first date.

Soobin pulls Kai’s ear.

“Ow!” Kai yelps.

“Don’t you let him,” Soobin says tightly. His face is impassive, unreadable, the way Kai hates it. ”Not so soon.”

“Why?” Kai asks, letting a whine slip into his voice. “I wanna know what kissing feels like.” 

Soobin steps aside, screwing the gel jar closed. “Come here,” he says shortly.

Nervously, Kai stands up, brushing his shirt down, and turns to face Soobin.

Soobin reaches up to fix his collar, fingers brushing against Kai’s neck. Involuntarily, Kai shivers.

“You might be inexperienced,” Soobin says softly, looking Kai straight in the eye, “but you’re not easy. Okay? You’re special. Your first kiss isn’t something to just give away like a freebie.”

“But when am I ever gonna know how kissing feels like, then?” Kai complains. “I turn 17 next week and I still haven’t kissed anyone. Oh, god.” He makes a face. “I’ll be the most horrible kisser to anyone who tries to kiss me.”

Soobin looks a little lost. He reaches down, straightens out Kai’s shirt. Then he steps back,face closing off. “Okay,” he says. “Okay.“ He sets his shoulders, then looks up at Kai, a strangely determined expression on his face. “I can show you what kissing’s like.”

Kai’s heart stops.

“What,” Kai says. “What are you talking about, hyung.”

“If you really want to know what kissing feels like,” Soobin repeats, still with that odd expression on his face. “I can teach you.”

“But — like, as in, you? Kissing me?” Kai stutters. His hands start perspiring. He wipes them on his pants. “But you’re straight.“

“Which is why I’m safe,” Soobin says slowly.

Kai figures it out, the weird face Soobin’s making. It’s the expression Soobin makes when he’s eating mint chocolate ice cream — like he really wants to like it, but can’t help disliking it.

Wow. That sucks.

“No,” Kai says shortly. “I’m not practice-kissing with you, hyung, what’s wrong with you? Didn’t you just say I shouldn’t be giving away my first kiss like it’s a freebie?”

Soobin looks offended. “I’m different!”

“You don’t even like me!”

“Of course I like you!”

Kai folds his arms. “You don’t like me like _that_. Shouldn’t I have my first kiss with someone who actually wants me?”

“I —“ Soobin looks away for a second, clears his throat. “No, you’re right.” Then he backs away, looking — looking confused. A little upset.

Almost like a magnet, Kai follows, stepping forward.

“If it disturbs you so much, I won’t kiss him,” Kai says softly, laying a hand on Soobin’s arm, crossed in front of his chest. Perhaps Soobin hasn’t yet come to terms with Kai being gay. Kai kissing boys. Kai dating other boys.

Maybe Soobin isn’t as understanding as he’d hoped.

“Thank you,” Soobin breathes.

“Okay,” Kai says, confused.

He sidesteps Soobin, who doesn’t move.

His phone buzzes. It’s probably Nick.

He leaves.


	9. litmus test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look...” Soobin trails off, like he’s trying to form a word but his mouth won’t let him, “... nice.”
> 
> “Am I hot yet?” Kai teases, harking back to conversations of old.
> 
> Soobin clears his throat. “Maybe,” he says, then squints. “Is that Yeonjun’s jeans?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i said this was the slowest burn to ever burn i....... really meant it hehe

Nick is nice. He’s good looking, outgoing, easygoing and, basically, has a lot going for him. He even knows a bit of Korean, which Kai is extremely impressed by. When Kai asks him where he picked it up from, Nick just colours and stammers “BTS”, to which Kai nods knowingly and tells him he doesn’t have to explain any further. BTS is cool. BTS is amazing. BTS is most definitely a valid reason to pick up a foreign language.

There is no way he can ever live up to BTS.

Anyway.

They grab their dinner at a fancy downtown cafe and catch the latest Mission: Impossible film and it’s nice. Nick is nice to talk to, nice to look at and really nice to him. He even drives him home, which is... nice.

It’s a shame Kai can’t think of anything other than “nice” to describe Nick, because he’s sure Nick is more than just some nice guy.

“Tonight was nice,” Nick says, when he pulls up to Kai’s apartment building. The street lights gleam softly through the window of his car, throwing Nick’s face into sharp contrast of light and shadow.

He has a nice nose and pretty lips. Full but not too full. But they don’t curve at the edges the way Soobin’s does, they don’t create irresistible dimples the way Soobin’s does, they don’t smile at him the way Soobin does.

“Yeah,” Kai agrees in English. He lets out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, it was nice.”

Nick leans over, unbuckles Kai’s seatbelt for him.

“Do you wanna maybe do it again?” Nick asks. This close, Nick smells like cologne and whatever laundry detergent he uses. It’s... nice.

Kai really needs to start expanding his vocabulary.

“Okay!” Kai says.

Nick doesn’t move away.

It’s so dark, he can barely see anything. Is Nick moving closer? Or is he imagining it?

Another diffused beam of streetlight falls across Nick’s face and _okay_ he’s a lot closer than Kai had expected.

Kai holds his breath, a million and one scenarios flashing through his mind. One, he breaks his promise to Soobin and lets Nick kiss him and it’s nice like everything else Nick has been. Two, he _doesn’t_ let Nick kiss him and he returns to Soobin kiss-less but promise-kept.

Soobin’s probably waiting for him, a little frown etched between his brows.

Nick inches closer.

Kai‘s panicked brain makes the decision for him.

“Good night!” Kai yelps, and nearly trips headfirst out of Nick’s car.

“Oh,” Kai hears Nick say from behind him. “Right. Okay then. I’ll see you?”

“Yeah,” Kai says, lifting a hand in a small half-wave. “See you!” Then he closes the car door and continues standing there, awkward-waving, until Nick drives off.

—

As predicted, Soobin’s waiting for him on the couch, using his phone with a frown on his face.

What Kai hadn’t predicted was the rest of the members crowding around Soobin and waiting for him like predators skulking their prey. When Kai enters the apartment, every single one of them looks up from their phones at the exact same time. It is deeply unsettling.

“SO HOW DID IT _GO_?” Yeonjun yelps.

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU MY LIL BABY HYUKA,” Beomgyu says at the same time, equally obnoxiously.

“Did you guys kiss?” Taehyun asks like a normal person.

Soobin just looks at him really intensely.

“Uh,” Kai says. “No?”

Everyone visibly deflates.

“How about holding hands?” Taehyun asks.

Well. He’d brushed Nick’s hand a few times while reaching for the popcorn. Does that count?

“No,” Taehyun says, when Kai voices his question.

Beomgyu facepalms.

“Did you guys do anything remotely exciting at all?” Yeonjun demands.

Kai thinks about the almost-kiss. Without thinking, he glances over at Soobin, who‘s been boring holes through his face with the intensity of his gaze. Their eyes meet.

Soobin’s eyes slide away.

It doesn’t hurt to show Soobin just how good of a promise-keeper he is.

Kai looks back at Yeonjun and grins wickedly.

“He tried to kiss me in his car,” Kai says.

The room erupts. Beomgyu howls indecipherably in excitement, Yeonjun jumps up from the couch and does a weird kind of celebratory dance, Taehyun claps his hands excitedly and Soobin — Soobin just looks perturbed.

“Wait, wait,” Beomgyu says, “but you _didn’t_ kiss him?”

Kai looks at Soobin meaningfully and says, haughtily: “I didn’t think he was worthy of my first kiss.”

Soobin throws a small smile his way.

Beside him, Taehyun executes a truly enormous eye roll.

“Maybe there’s _someone else_ more worthy,” Yeonjun says, completely without context.

Soobin whips his head around to look at Yeonjun so fast, Kai almost hears his neck crack.

“Haha,” Kai says, uncomprehending. “What do you mean?”

“I mean —“ Yeonjun starts, but is cut off by Soobin saying frantically: “Good! You should give your first kiss to someone you know you really like!”

Kai raises an eyebrow. “What if I like Nick?”

“Well, maybe you should rethink that —“ Yeonjun tries to say again, to which Soobin slaps a hand on Yeonjun’s face.

This is all very strange.

“Maybe go out on a few more dates,” Taehyun says sagely, side-eyeing Soobin and Yeonjun, “decide if you really do like him. Then go for it!”

“We’re here only three months,” Soobin reminds. “Don’t get in too deep.”

“Don’t be such a party pooper,” Beomgyu complains. “Let our baby live! This’ll be the cutest summer fling ever.”

Soobin crinkles his nose.

“Soobinie has a point,” Yeonjun says. “We don’t want to see our baby hurt, do we?”

Why are they debating his love life like he’s not standing right in front of them?

“Guys,” Kai says, “I’m still here.”

“I’m on Team Nick and Kai,” Beomgyu says stubbornly. “Oh my god. Team Nickai — that’s your couple name!”

Kai laughs in disbelief.

“I think Sookai sounds nicer,” Yeonjun says.

Soobin looks somewhat murderous.

“I... am gonna take a bath,” Kai announces, backing away. “Bye!”

—

Honestly, Kai’s life is just ridiculous.

“You,” Kai says, “have to be kidding me.”

“I’m serious,” Taehyun says, sipping daintily on his caramel frappucino.

He and Taehyun are walking down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, hunting for names they recognise. It’s too lovely an August summer’s day to go to waste, so they’d made the snap decision to visit the Must Visit attractions of Los Angeles with the members — except Soobin. Soobin and his bed are one on the weekends, and nothing can break them apart. Beomgyu and Yeonjun have been lured away by the many shops lining the street, so now it’s down to just Kai and Taehyun. Kai doesn’t mind; he likes spending time with Taehyun. The sun‘s a little aggressive today, streaming through sparkling green leaves and dappling the streets in gold, but it’s beautiful. The tourists are a little bit of a bother, but Kai figures he and Taehyun are both just as much of a bother, so he doesn’t fret too much about the elbow-shoving and shoulder-banging.

What he _is_ fretting about right now though involves something a lot more concerning than tracking down Robert Downey Junior’s star. 

“I don’t believe you,” Kai says obstinately.

“Okay, look,” Taehyun says, using the tone of voice that Kai knows Taehyun thinks is reasonable but really just makes Kai want to punch him. Gently. “Soobin literally sprinted to Dr Lee with you in his arms when you sprained your ankle.” Taehyun holds up one elegant finger. “He carried you everywhere that week you were recovering.” Two fingers. “He flipped about you going on a date.” Another finger. “He _offered to give you your first kiss._ ”

Kai slaps Taehyun’s hand away before a fourth finger can flip up.

Taehyun continues, unfazed: “You should’ve seen him when you were out with Nick. Every five minutes he was like, _I wonder what Kai’s doing now? I wonder what they’re eating? I wonder where they’re going? I wonder what they’re watching?_ ”

Taehyun’s impressions of Soobin are unnervingly impeccable.

“He wanted to _practice_ kiss,” Kai stresses, because it’s important to make this bit clear. “It’s not the same as a first kiss.”

Taehyun snorts. “Kai, my sweet baby boy,” he starts. Kai whacks him on the shoulder. “Kissing is the same, whatever you’re doing it for. He offered to kiss you. Hello? No straight dude does that.”

“But you _told me_ he’s straight,” Kai says emphatically.

“Perhaps I was wrong,” Taehyun says, shrugging.

Kai stops dead in the middle of the sidewalk and stares at Taehyun. A couple of tourists barge past him. Whatever.

Taehyun _never_ admits he’s wrong. Ever. Even when he’d insisted they still had toilet paper in the apartment when they’d obviously had none.

“No,” Kai says stubbornly. “He doesn’t like me like that. He can’t. That’s ridiculous.”

It’s ridiculous how much he wants it to be true.

“I’m just saying,” Taehyun says, pulling Kai ahead before they get bowled over by the next surge of tourists, “the signs are there. You know what? You should totally take him up on the —“ Taehyun makes air quotation marks with his fingers, “ _practice_ kissing.”

“Absolutely not,” Kai says immediately.

“It’ll be fun,” Taehyun says. “Kissing is fun.”

“Yeah, but —“ But Soobin’s _special_. “— but what if he’s just taking pity on me? He’s so experienced. I’m just... me.”

“Maybe you’ll give such great kisses, you’ll be his gay awakening,” Taehyun suggests.

“This is really not helping,” Kai tells Taehyun.

“Well, then,” Taehyun says, taking another sip of frappucino. “Think about it this way. Who’d you rather kiss: Nick or Soobin?”

“Soobinie, obviously.”

“And both Nick and Soobin want to kiss you,” Taehyun says matter-of-factly. “Therefore, you either pick one or the other. You get your kiss. You get a cute boy. It’s a win-win.”

“It’s not that _easy_ ,” Kai says. “Taehyunie. It’s not just some stupid crush I have for Soobin. I — we — well, I —“ _love him_. God. “— can’t throw away our epic best friendship just to fulfil my stupid desire to learn how to kiss.”

“Okay, fine,” Taehyun says. “Let’s test my hypothesis.”

“That sounds very science-y and I don’t want anything to do with it,” Kai tells Taehyun.

Taehyun huffs a laugh. “No, I mean, let’s test Soobin. See if he really likes you _like that._ Remember when you told me you wanted to pick him up? Where’s that spunk? I want that Kai back.”

Kai squints at Taehyun. “And what are these plans you have?”

Taehyun smiles at him mysteriously. “We’ll see.” Then he looks down at his feet and yelps, over-excitedly: “Found it! Robert Downey Junior!”

Ridiculous. Kai’s life truly is ridiculous.

—

A couple days of dance trainings pass by without much of a peep from Taehyun and his mysterious plans, so Kai thinks he’s in the green and Taehyun’s forgotten all about it until Soobin asks Kai, completely out of the blue: “Do you want to visit the Griffith Observatory with me? Tomorrow after class?”

They’re traipsing to the dance academy for their afternoon class. It’s an enthusiastically sunny Thursday, which means the birds are chirping really loudly, so Kai says: “The what now?” because he might have heard wrongly.

“The Griffith Observatory,” Soobin repeats. “You can look through telescopes and see the stars and planets and everything.”

“I read about that online!” Kai says eagerly, and is about to open his mouth to holler the suggestion to the other members walking ahead when Soobin grabs his hand, pulls him back.

“Just the two of us,” Soobin says quickly.

“Oh,” Kai says. “What about the rest?”

Soobin scratches his head, looking flummoxed. Cute. “I wanna go with you. Just you.”

Kai looks at Soobin strangely.

“Okay,” he says slowly, but then he remembers a text Nick had sent him earlier this week. “Wait. I think I have plans with Nick tomorrow.”

Soobin’s eyebrows draw together, lips pursing into a pout and — wow, Kai is such a sucker.

“How about tonight?” Kai offers.

Soobin perks up. “Okay!” he says, and Kai thinks that’s the end of Soobin’s strange behaviour until Taehyun hears wind of their planned outing for the night and forces Kai into an extremely uncomfortable outfit on the fly.

“I bought this recently,” Taehyun says, digging through his side of the closet and throwing a black slinky thing over to Kai. The moment Soobin had stepped into the shower, Taehyun had dragged Kai into their room and started flinging clothes at him.

“Why are you making me dress up?” Kai whines, trying to figure out where to put his arms in the shirt. “It’s just me and Soobinie.”

“It’s a _date_ ,” Taehyun hisses. “I’m telling you —“

“I don’t want to hear it,” Kai says, because his heart pounds in the most painful of ways when Taehyun says these kinds of things and he really doesn’t want to get his hopes up only to have them smashed to heart-broken smithereens. “It’s just a fun night out. Between friends.”

“Suit yourself,” Taehyun snipes, then says “aha!” and holds up a pair of black jeans victoriously.

“Why do you even have so many clothes,” Kai says, until he realises the jeans belong to Yeonjun. “Why’re you making me wear Yeonjun’s clothes?”

“His sense of fashion is, like, 10 times better than yours,” Taehyun points out, which isn’t untrue.

When they’re all done, Taehyun gives him a critical once-over and makes a pleased noise. “Good. Very hot.”

“I don’t feel hot,” Kai says dubiously, looking at himself in the mirror. He’s dressed all in black in a wide-collared billowy, satiny shirt and skinny jeans ripped open at the knees (and, for unfathomable reasons, on the right thigh).

“Just pretend you are and go seduce your man,” Taehyun tells him.

“Wait,” Kai says, and is about to ask how one is supposed to go about seducing men when Soobin walks in, half naked and towelling his hair.

Kai’s mouth goes dry.

“Oh,” Soobin says, staring. “Sorry. I thought you were outside.”

“Sorry,” Kai parrots, averting his eyes from all that golden glistening skin and shooting Taehyun a betrayed look as he quietly slinks from the room.

“You look...” Soobin trails off, like he’s trying to form a word but his mouth won’t let him, “... nice.”

“Am I hot yet?” Kai teases, harking back to conversations of old.

Soobin clears his throat. “Maybe,” he says, then squints. “Is that Yeonjun’s jeans?”

“... no?” Kai tries. Great. Now he has to go buy himself the exact same pair of jeans so Soobin won’t realise he’s wearing Yeonjun’s clothes.

This is all Taehyun’s fault.

—

Soobin only starts acting stranger.

Kai’s blaming it on Taehyun again. Taehyun’s been sending him texts incessantly, telling him to _hold his hand,_ as though Kai and Soobin haven’t already had a two-year-long history ofplatonic hand-holding, so he highly doubts that’ll be a litmus test for anything at all, and _lean forward to show off your collarbones_ , which Kai is sure will make him look just ridiculous, and _rake your hand through your hair but make it look suave_ , which is undoubtedly out of the question because Kai worked hard to gel his hair into perfection and he’s not going to undo all that hard work for this mythical suaveness Taehyun speaks of.

“This is... fancy,” Kai says, trying and probably failing to keep his mouth closed.

Soobin had brought them to an idyllic hilltop restaurant for dinner, except it looks more like a large canopy nestled in the middle of a forest, fairy lights strung _everywhere_ — beneath the canopy, between trees — and people dining in candlelight, dressed in cocktail dresses and blazers. Kai suddenly feels overwhelmingly underdressed in his black jeans and Taehyun’s flimsy excuse of a shirt.

"I made a reservation," Soobin mumbles, and walks quickly towards the entrance, leaving Kai behind to gawk alone. Soobin’s wearing the same maddeningly thin chiffon shirt he’d worn to the club that one fateful night, tucked into black slacks in a way that cinches in his waist in an absurdly appealing manner.

Everything about this is absurd. _Absurd_.

"I don't know about you, but the only thing I understand about this menu is that I don't understand anything at all," Kai remarks, after they've been ushered to their table and provided fancy menus in fancy lettering.

"Oh god, we’re screwed," Soobin says, laughing helplessly.

Two panicked phone calls to Yeonjun and one completely incoherent conversation with the waiter held mostly via finger-pointing later, Kai feels a little like he’s just done three runs of today’s dance routine plus too many sets of push-ups and a few sit-ups to boot.

"What a ride," Kai laughs breathlessly, kicking Soobin’s foot under the table. “To what do I owe the pleasure of such a fancy meal?”

Soobin slides down his chair a little. “Consider this an early birthday celebration,” he says, looking everywhere but at Kai’s face. “I found this place on the internet. It topped like, six lists, so I figured we should give it a try.”

Kai’s phone buzzes again. He slides his eyes down, keeping his phone carefully angled away from Soobin. It’s Taehyun, telling him to _try flirting._

The only thing Kai knows about flirting is that he knows nothing about it.

“Who‘s been texting you?” Soobin asks curiously. “You’ve been getting texts the entire way here.”

“Uh,” Kai says, frantically trying to think of a plausible-sounding lie to cover up the fact that it’s actually Taehyun sending him unhelpful dating advice.

“Is it Nick?” Soobin asks.

Ah. Perfect.

“Yes!” Kai lies, relieved.

“Oh,” Soobin says, and then he doesn’t say anything for a while and the silence between them grows stickier and stickier until Kai thinks he might just asphyxiate from how much the silence feels like a stick down his throat.

This is not going well.

Kai leans forward inconspicuously, resting his weight on one elbow so his shirt collar slides down just enough to reveal his right clavicle.

Taehyun would be so proud of him.

“You know, this is kind of romantic, hyung,” Kai tries to say teasingly. “A candle-lit dinner, fancy knives,” he picks up a dessert knife, “and fairy lights? You’d make a great boyfriend.”

In the candle light, Soobin’s eyes look extra dark, like liquid chocolate, like the slowly darkening evening sky. His eyes dart down to Kai’s open collar, then back up to meet Kai’s eyes. Then he smirks a little and says: “What can I say, I _am_ great boyfriend material.”

Kai wields the dessert knife imperiously at Soobin. "Speaking of — do _you_ have any hot new pursuits?”

Soobin looks mildly panicked.

"Excuse me," a waiter says from behind Kai’s right shoulder. "Um. Could you...?" Kai lowers the knife. Oops. "Ahem. Thank you, sir. Please, enjoy your meal.”

The waiter serves them their food in fancy-looking plates that look like they each cost a few hundred, bows, and takes his leave.

Kai picks the dessert knife up again.

“Down,” Soobin orders.

Pouting, Kai puts the knife back down. “Answer my question,” he says.

Soobin looks shifty. “Not anyone in particular,” he mumbles.

“The great Soobinie isn’t playing with any girls’ hearts these days?” Kai asks, amused, picking up his fork and knife and tearing into his steak instead.

“Mijung was enough of a headache to last me a decade,” Soobin says, doing the same.

“That bad?” Kai asks carefully. It’s the first time Soobin’s mentioned the break-up of his own volition. It suddenly kind of feels like he’s walking through a mine field.

“Yeah. Mijung...” Soobin pops a bite into his mouth and chews thoughtfully. “She forced me to face a lot of things I wasn’t prepared to face. It made me realise how much I didn’t actually know myself.” He takes a sip of water. “Anyway, I don’t think it’s a good idea to get into a relationship now. Since we’ll be debuting soon and all.”

Kai frowns at Soobin. “If you don’t want me dating Nick, just say so, hyung.”

“I’m not telling you to do anything,” Soobin says, looking softly at Kai. “I‘m just worried. You know that.”

Kai sticks out his tongue. “Lie all you want, I can taste your disapproval from here. What do you have against Nick?”

It’s not that he needs Soobin’s approval to date anyone. It’d just be nice to have. Soobin’s his best friend above everything else, after all.

When Soobin’s lips slant in thought, Kai continues, daringly: “Or do you just have something against me dating boys?”

“You know that’s not true,” Soobin says, reproachful.

Well, that’s one plausible reason for Soobin’s strange behaviour of late struck off the list.

“Then what is it?” Kai asks.

“Maybe I just,” Soobin starts, and he gets that strangely determined look on his face again, the one he had on when he’d suggested practice kissing. “I think I —“ he tries, then he falters. “I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

Candle light flickers in Soobin’s eyes, and Kai’s heart doesn’t stop flickering even after they’ve finished their dinner and made their way to the Griffith Observatory. The stars are bright, brilliant in the now pitch black night sky, sparkling down at the two of them. They wind their way through the observatory, nerding out in equal measure at the exhibits, trying and failing to guess the names of all the stars and planets they manage to spot through the Zeus Telescope. Kai accidentally hits his head on one of the telescopes outside, and Soobin laughs so loudly the tourists around them start giving them a wide berth, which Kai supposes he isn’t opposed to, even if it does hurt. Soobin quickly makes up for it by placing a warm arm around his shoulders, guiding him around so he doesn’t “accidentally destroy a piece of equipment worth probably ten Kais”. Kai pretends he’s offended and proceeds to tell Soobin that he’s _priceless_ and worth way more than all the telescopes combined.

Eventually, they make their way to a quieter spot on the grounds away from the crowd without any further incident (not counting minor damage to two unfortunate tourists whose toes they might have stepped on and one couple making out in the corner that they’d accidentally barged into), and settle into a comfortable mix of silent awe and appreciation at the glittering LA skyline.

“What happened to that crush you had earlier this year?” Soobin asks out of the blue, leaning in to bump shoulders with Kai.

Kai turns to look at Soobin blankly. “What crush?”

“That boy you wanted to kiss? Who you dreamt about?”

Oh, wow. What does he have to eat to get a memory like Soobin’s?

“Ah, well,” Kai says vaguely. “He’s straight. I gave up.”

The first part’s true and the second part’s a lie, but the boy in question doesn’t have to know that.

Soobin asks the dreaded question. “Who was it?”

Kai glances at Soobin’s side profile again, more dazzling than the city skyline. Considers coming clean. Considers telling the truth. Soobin’s beautiful. Maybe he deserves to know. Maybe love doesn’t have to be so black and white, so unforgiving.

But then Kai remembers The Month, remembers Soobin turning away, turning him down, turning so easily against their proclaimed best friendship. Kai’s heart aches in retrospect. Clenches in fear. He still doesn’t know why it happened. What he did.

He can’t take the risk.

“No one you know,” he lies instead.

Soobin makes a little humming noise of acquiescence, and they settle into a heavy silence, gazing out at the city lights, twinkling as bright as the stars hanging in the sky. Their shoulders are still pressed hot against each other in the summer warmth, but Kai doesn’t mind. The golden silence wraps around them both, floats all of Kai’s innermost thoughts to the surface so that they’re pressing against him, pressing against his tongue —

“I like Nick,” Kai blurts. “But I don’t really want to start something that I’ll have to end, eventually.”

“Oh,” Soobin says.

“But I’m scared that it’s now or never,” Kai continues. “That I’ll never get the chance to do anything like this again: date freely, kiss someone who actually likes me, love someone without having to feel the watchful eyes of the industry on me.“

Soobin takes a few seconds to respond. “I understand,” he finally manages. “I’m sorry, Hueningie.”

“What for?” Kai asks.

“That you feel this way,” Soobin says, turning to meet his eyes, half his face obscured by the darkness behind them, half his face lit by the bright city lights ahead of them. “That you feel forced to make a decision.” Soobin searches his face, but for what, Kai doesn’t know. “I trust you,” he says. “To make the right decision. To choose what’s best for you.”

“Yeah,” Kai says, swallowing, and fuck it, since they’re already talking about feelings, he might as well ask. “Hey, hyung?” He sways forward.

“Yeah?” Soobin breathes. It’s dark, but it looks like Soobin’s eyes flicker down to Kai’s neck, to Kai’s mouth. Maybe Kai’s projecting.

“What happened to us last month?” Kai asks, bravely holding Soobin’s eyes when he looks back up.

Soobin‘s eyes drop to their feet.

“Was it something I did?” Kai asks, voice small.

“ _No_ ,” Soobin says vehemently, eyes snapping back up. “It’s not your fault, Kai, please.”

“Why won’t you talk to me?” Kai asks. “Why don’t you talk to me about anything anymore?”

“We do talk,” Soobin says faintly.

“But not about the important things,” Kai says.

“You might not like what I have to say,” Soobin says, and _finally_ he sounds like he’s telling the truth, honesty leaking into his voice.

Kai is baffled. “You’re my best friend,” he says. “We’re supposed to tell each other everything, like it or not. Why wouldn’t I like what you have to say?”

“Some things —“ Soobin says, and then he’s catching Kai’s fingers in his, and they’re holding hands again, and everything about this moment feels heated, feels like electricity, thrills running through his fingers where Soobin’s touching him, “— some things, best friends can’t tell each other.”

Okay. Okay, fine.

Kai lets it go. “Promise you won’t do it again,” he says instead, then injects a bit of drama for the sake of it: “I was so _sad_.”

“I’m sorry,” Soobin says, lips twitching into a small smile. “I’m sorry. I promise. I, Choi Soobin, swear to you, Huening Kai, that I’ll never avoid you or ignore you or be mean to you, ever again. Cross my heart.”

They pinky promise it with their free hands, scanning it with their open palms, and then Soobin catches his eye and winks salaciously, so Kai chooses this moment to say “I forgive you” and run his fingers deliberately through his hair in a manner that he hopes is suave. Soobin’s gaze follows his hand, then he raises an amused eyebrow at him.

Taehyun’s advice sucks.

“Here,” Soobin murmurs, reaching up to pat Kai’s now-wrecked hair back into submission, fingers lingering at the little hairs near his ear, so it’s when he and Soobin are in this vaguely compromising position that Kai suddenly hears someone from behind him loudly say in English: “Hey, aren’t those the Korean kids from class,” and a familiar voice shushing him.

He turns around, hand still held tight in Soobin’s, and comes face to face with... Nick?

Nick stares at him. He’s holding hands with another guy from their class. Kai stares at their hands, chest clenching weirdly, then looks back up at Nick’s now slightly stricken face.

“Oh,” Kai says, faintly, and drops Soobin’s hand.


	10. hard-pressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s fun!” Kai says, resting both his hands on Soobin’s hips. “Dance with me, hyunggg.”
> 
> The way Kai drags the honorific into a small whine is cute. But the way Kai slides right into the space between the two of them, the way he presses their bodies together, wow, that’s not cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: some very mild sexual content in this chapter! 
> 
> it's chapter 10 and i figured it was high time to celebrate this milestone by switching it up 
> 
> enjoy soobin's pov folks!!!

**Soobin**

Soobin doesn’t anger easily.

He gets exasperated, sure. Worried? Almost all the time. But angry? He can count getting angry in the past year with one hand — when Kwangha and gang had pulled their little trick on Kai, and when Mijung had slapped him and called him a two-faced ass.

He’s never liked feeling angry. It makes his blood boil but his body run cold, makes him want to hit something. _You’re a big boy,_ his mom had told him back when he was in middle school and towered over everyone else. _Use your stature for good, not to take advantage of others._

So he’s always cultivated a spirit of gentleness. Of patience. Of empathy.

Forget all that.

Right now, he just really, _really_ wants to hit something. Preferably Nick. In the balls.

“On the bright side, I guess I don’t have to worry about starting something I’ll have to end,” Kai mumbles, shakily, into his shoulder. Kai had bolted after seeing Nick at the observatory, then kept his lips bolted shut their entire ride back home despite the anxious looks Soobin kept throwing his way. It was only when they’d reached the door to their apartment that he’d finally bolted into Soobin’s waiting arms.

Just as well. Soobin was this close to punching the wall. 

“He doesn’t deserve you anyway, that fucker,” Soobin says viciously, stroking small circles between Kai’s shoulder blades.

“That’s not very nice,” Kai says, wry, because of _course_ he’d be concerned about Nick’s feelings when the bastard’s not even there.

“Cheaters don’t deserve niceness,” Soobin says.

“We weren’t even really together, anyway,” Kai says, muffled into Soobin’s shirt. His breath hitches, and Soobin’s heart hitches along with it.

Anyone who makes Kai cry deserves to burn in the lowest pits of hell.

It takes all of Soobin’s self-restraint to let Kai go when Kai steps back, shamelessly wiping his eyes (and perhaps nose) on Soobin’s shirt. Letting go of Kai has always been difficult. Even two years ago, Soobin hated the act of unwrapping his arms from Kai’s shoulders, of letting his skin run cold. He’d always thought it was normal — to like touching Kai. To want it. To yearn for it, like bingsu on a hot summer’s day.

It’s not normal. He learned that the hard way, when Mijung turned cold eyes on him and called his “abnormally close” relationship with Kai sick and wrong. It had taken one frankly disastrous trip to the club and one month of avoiding Kai for Soobin to realise: it was Mijung who was wrong. She’d always been wrong.

Kai brings out the best in Soobin, makes him good in all the right places. Nothing about Kai can possibly be wrong.

They trip over each other taking off their shoes, Soobin handling Kai like glass when he stumbles into him, and when they enter the apartment, Yeonjun’s on the couch texting. Soobin banishes Yeonjun from the living room with a few choice facial expressions — most of which involves making very pointed looks at Kai, who has a vaguely wilted air about him, then staring at Yeonjun and then at the bedroom door.

Yeonjun, thankfully, gets it, though not without first wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Soobin. God knows what’s going through his head.

“Hyung?” Kai says when they’re finally curled up on the couch, Kai cradling the tub of ice cream Soobin had bought for him on the way home and Soobin’s arm stretched around Kai’s shoulders the way he likes it.

“Hm?” Soobin murmurs.

Kai nestles his head on Soobin’s shoulder, looks up at him. He’s so close his lashes almost tickle Soobin’s neck, and it makes all of Soobin’s dark parts curl smug and satisfied at the knowledge that he doesn’t have to give this soft, vulnerable, beautiful side of Kai up to someone else just yet.

Guilt twangs sharp in the recesses of Soobin’s chest. God. What a selfish, possessive thought. Kai _deserves_ to have someone who’ll sit there and comfort him when he’s sad. Someone who’ll wrap his arms around him the way Soobin does. Someone who’ll love him the way Soobin does — someone who Kai will love back.

“What’s wrong with me?” Kai asks in tiny. “Am I not good enough?”

Soobin’s fingers curl into fists. Yeah. Nick definitely deserves a good knocking around.

“You’re way too good for Nick,” Soobin says. “The question is: what’s wrong with Nick?”

“Maybe it’s because I didn’t kiss him,” Kai mutters, shovelling a spoon of ice cream into his mouth.

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Soobin says.

“Yeah,” Kai says quietly. “You were right, hyung. It’d suck if I kissed him and then found out he was going around kissing other boys.”

“Yeah,” Soobin says, a little stuck at the idea of Kai and kissing.

“But maybe I’m really just not good enough,” Kai says again, circling.

“That’s not true,” Soobin admonishes. “Why do you say that?”

“Do you ever just,” Kai says, muffled around another spoon of ice cream. Old habits die hard, but this particular habit of Kai’s is inexplicably adorable. “— feel like you don’t belong? Like you’ll never be good enough?”

”Sometimes.”

“Yeah. I feel like that, like, all the time,” Kai says. “With you guys. With other people. The members’ individual ranks were always in the top 5, do you remember? Including you. And mine was always around 7 or 8. I just feel like I... I don’t really belong here.” 

Kai fidgets, placing the tub of ice cream down on the coffee table, then curling up again next to Soobin, turning to burrow his head against Soobin’s shoulder. They’re already pressed together but Soobin pulls him in closer, tries not to shiver at the feeling of Kai‘s soft breaths against his neck, of Kai breathing him in the way he always does every time they’re close.

This is fine. It’s fine.

When Kai’s comfortable, Soobin says: “You do belong here. You‘re our maknae. Can you imagine if Taehyun had to be our maknae? He’d be so terrible.” Kai giggles a little, which means Soobin’s not making things worse, thank god, so he continues: “Hueningie. Don’t worry about the stupid ranks. Okay? Why do you think we had that last evaluation with Bang PD-nim? Talent‘s important, yeah, being talented’s great, but Big Hit treasures hard work and character and motivation too. Why’re you doing this, Kai? Why do you wanna be an idol?”

“To make other people happy,” Kai mumbles.

“Exactly. That’s an amazing motivation to have. I can’t tell you how many trainees want to be an idol for selfish reasons — to feel good about themselves, to become famous. What good does that really do? But you, Hueningie,” Soobin turns to whisper the last part into the top of Kai’s head, lips brushing his hair, “You’re so good, in every way. You have no idea. You’re so good to me. To the members. And you’ll be so good to our fans, when we debut. You’re gonna make so many people happy.”

Horribly, Kai hiccups, a broken little sound.

Fuck. Soobin thought he’d been doing a good job cheering Kai up, not making Kai sad _again_.

“What if our fans don’t like me?” Kai asks, voice tight. “What if they think I look weird and just dismiss me?”

Not this again.

“You really don’t look weird,” Soobin says, appalled.

“I barely look Korean,” Kai mumbles.

“But you’re also, like, the cutest boy I know,” Soobin says. Was that a little too honest? Yeah. Probably.

“Ah,” Kai says, sounding pleased. “Really?”

“I mean,” Soobin stutters. “You know what I mean.”

“What do you mean?” Kai teases.

“You’re cute,” Soobin says, and this is getting embarrassing so, fine, he’ll roll with it. “ _Really_ cute. Cuter than Tobin. The cutest.”

The small, pleased look on Kai’s face stays with Soobin for the rest of the night and long into the week. If he’s being entirely honest with himself: Yes, Kai’s cute. But he’s so much more than that. He’s _lovely_. He’s painfully beautiful, both inside and out, from the sharp definition of his nose to the gentle line of lips, from the gracefulness of his elbows to the gangliness of his knees, from his dry, self-effacing sense of humour to his selfless empathy.

Kai’s grown up a lot since they met more than two years ago, and so has Soobin’s desire to make him happy.

So Soobin tells Kai he’s cute any chance he can get. He tells him he’s cute when they celebrate his birthday, tells him he’s cute in the little birthday card he writes him. He tells him he’s cute when Kai accepts his Soobin Ticket shyly — an ingenious birthday gift that gives Kai one free opportunity to make Soobin do anything for him — tells him he’ll do anything Kai asks him to because, surprise, he’s so cute, Soobin would say yes to anything.

“What if I asked you to attend dance training naked?” Kai asks wickedly, and Soobin informs him he’s lucky he’s cute or he’d be tackled to the floor right about now.

Kai doesn’t actually use the Soobin Ticket. Not for their remaining two months in Los Angeles, and not even when they fly back to Seoul. Perhaps he’s lost it. Soobin wouldn’t be surprised.

Seoul is deep in the autumnal throes of October when Yeonjun declares from his favourite position in the living room — prone, on the couch: “Yumi’s throwing a Halloween party and she’s inviting everyone. Including you losers.”

Beomgyu makes an indignant noise of protest. “Excuse _me_ ,” he says.

Taehyun says: “Count me out.”

“What the fuck?” Yeonjun splutters. “Why?”

“Losers don’t attend parties,” Taehyun says, straight-faced. Yeonjun throws a pillow at him.

“Like a costume party?” Kai asks, perking up.

“Oh, yeah, I think so,” Yeonjun says, like it’s an afterthought.

“Ugh,” Soobin says. Costume parties stress him out. It’s unhealthy.

“We should _totally_ dress up,” Beomgyu says enthusiastically.

 _No, thank you_ , Soobin wants to say, but then Kai’s eyes go all sparkly and —

— that’s how they end up decked out in BTS’s Dope outfits three days later, because that’s the kind of disasters that happen when you put Kai and Beomgyu together.

This is, Soobin thinks, as Kai walks out of their bedroom, indeed a disaster.

Whoever suggested putting Kai in Jungkook’s policeman outfit deserves to be banished, because there’s cute and then there’s _dangerous_ and Soobin’s brain might or might not have been banished along with his facial control.

Soobin tries to close his mouth but his motor functions don’t seem to be operating.

“Okay, just say it,” Kai says, spreading his arms. “I look ridiculous, I know.”

Quite the contrary.

Soobin finally regains control of his face. “Not at all,” is all he manages to say.

“You look delicious,” Yeonjun informs Kai, whisking past them in the living room to grab five bottles of soju.

Kai turns red.

They end up pre-drinking in the dorm before making their buzzed journey to Yumi’s house. They look quite the sight. Beomgyu’s in Yoongi’s military sergeant uniform, Taehyun in Jimin’s office employee outfit and Yeonjun in Hoseok’s race car driver fit. Soobin is in Namjoon’s hotel porter uniform, god knows why, but at least the members aren’t forcing him to wear the porter’s cap, so. Small mercies.

And then there’s Kai. Sweet, cute Kai, decked out in an unfairly form-fitting police uniform and Yeonjun’s clip-on earrings.

He looks... hot.

Soobin thinks he might be suffering from mental whiplash.

The party’s already in full swing when they walk up the front porch to Yumi’s frankly ginormous house, situated in one of the richest neighbourhoods of Gangnam. Even outside, Soobin can feel the deep, smooth bass thrumming beneath his feet.

His heart thrums along when Kai falls back from the group to sidle up to him.

Kai has a habit of seeking Soobin out when he feels uncertain or when they’ve been thrown into unfamiliar situations. It’s cute.

But also: hot.

But. Still cute.

Fuck.

“Happy Halloween!” Yeonjun says, grinning widely, and then he’s throwing Yumi’s front door open and the party sweeps them in.

—

Kai is terrible at holding his alcohol.

This isn’t exactly news. Soobin’s seen Kai when he’s had one too many bottles of soju in him (effectively: two). He becomes, like, Kai Upsized. Like five Kais rolled into one. Like five levels of hot and cute that Soobin has no clue how to deal with.

There’re people everywhere (all dressed up, he’s sure, but the house is so dark he can barely make out one costume from another), and there’re colourful strobe lights (Soobin also has no idea why Yumi owns so many disco balls), and there’re pumpkins in the strangest corners (he spotted one in the microwave, of all places), and then there’s Kai. Dancing. In the middle of what Soobin thinks is probably supposed to be the living room but also kind of looks like a downsized ballroom. With lots of tacky streamers. And gyrating people. And let’s not forget the disco balls.

Kai is terrible at holding his alcohol and terrible at observing the awkward party etiquette that Soobin has mastered, because he’s out there on the dance floor with Taehyun having the time of his life while Soobin stands hesitantly at the side and tries not to crumple the plastic cup in his hand from how tight he’s holding it.

Kai has his head thrown back, eyes closed, long neck exposed. Coloured light pools in the dip of his collarbones. Heat pools somewhere in Soobin’s stomach.

He doesn’t want to think about it.

Kai’s eyes open and, magnetically, find Soobin’s in the crowd. For a moment they stare at each other, transfixed, and then Taehyun leans in to say something into Kai’s ear, and Kai laughs, as bright as the strobe lights.

“Soobinie-hyung,” Kai yells, barely audible over the music. “Come dance with me!”

Then he’s leaving Taehyun’s side, weaving through the crowd towards him, eyes glittering. Up close he’s even more stunning.

“Hi,” Soobin breathes, when Kai more or less tumbles into his chest.

“Oops,” Kai says, laughing, and god he’s so drunk. So devastating. Soobin can smell the soju on Kai, can smell the sweat and the cologne he’d lent him earlier.

“It’s madness in here,” Soobin says, steadying him by the waist.

“It’s fun!” Kai says, resting both his hands on Soobin’s hips. “Dance with me, hyunggg.”

The way Kai drags the honorific into a small whine is cute. But the way Kai slides right into the space between the two of them, the way he presses their bodies together, wow, that’s not cute.

Something dark and dangerous simmers in Soobin’s belly.

Maybe it's the copious amounts of soju.

“Okay, let’s go dance,” Soobin stutters, desperate for a distraction. He takes a careful step back, puts a polite distance between them, lets Kai pull him into the mass of sweaty, writhing bodies.

Soobin realises his mistake not two minutes later.

He doesn’t know what kind of dancing Kai had meant, but he’s pretty sure it’s not — this. Whatever this is. Kai’s slipped right into his space again, hands on his shoulders, hips dangerously close to his. The way he moves his body is... suggestive.

Yeah.

Kai can’t hold his alcohol for shit.

Drunk Kai is way more than five Kais rolled into one. He’s a whole other Kai, especially when he keeps looking at Soobin like _that_ and just — just looking like how he's looking, in general, all inviting and hot and strangely enthralling. His hair’s mussed, strands falling over his right eye, and Soobin’s hand is already halfway there to smooth Kai’s hair back into place when he forces himself to stop.

He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Kai leans into his hand, looking like that.

It's not that Kai looks any more beautiful than he normally does. It's just that Soobin has never seen this side of Kai before. This... this irresistible, charming side. Kai with a purpose. A purpose that isn't distracting him from his books or forcing him to eat mint chocolate ice cream. A _flirtatious_ purpose. Except. Surely not. Kai doesn’t see him that way.

He made that clear when he rejected Soobin’s offer to kiss the other day.

But that’s okay. Soobin’s okay. He’s okay with being Kai’s best friend; it’s more than he could ask for, really.

It’d just be a lot easier to ignore his extremely un-heterosexual attraction for Kai if Kai wasn’t so fucking touchy.

“How much did you even drink?” Soobin asks loudly, and then immediately regrets it because it just makes Kai strain closer to him.

“What?” Kai yells.

“Never mind!” Soobin says, panicking. Kai’s too close.

“Say it!” Kai tiptoes a little, turning his head to the side so he can press his ear near Soobin’s lips. Then he stumbles. So it’s really not Soobin’s fault that his hands shoot up to support him around the waist.

“I just asked,” Soobin says into Kai’s ear, leaning in, “how much did you have to drink?”

Kai laughs, turns his face back around to look at Soobin. “The soju at home, and did you try the watermelon soju in the kitchen? _Delicious_.”

“Oh dear,” Soobin murmurs.

“Maybe five cups total?” Kai continues, looking thoughtful. As thoughtful as he can look, with how gone he is. “Or six? Or... ten?”

“Five and ten are very different, Hueningie,” Soobin laughs.

“When you have some of that watermelon soju, five or ten cups don’t make a difference,” Kai says, pouting a little, and he’s so close Soobin can’t help it. Can’t help looking at Kai’s lips. Can’t help tightening his arms around Kai’s waist, can’t help wishing, desperately, wanting, undeniably.

Soobin isn’t sober enough for this.

Someone bumps into Kai from behind, and Kai lurches against him. Their hips brush against each other and pleasure jolts deep in his stomach and, well. Soobin’s brain stops working along with his self-restraint, because he makes no move to shift away. Instead, he lets Kai stay pressed against him, hot and heavy, lets a small gasp fall unbidden from his lips.

Then Kai starts _moving_. Dancing, or whatever the fuck this is. Rocking his hips. Into Soobin’s. And Soobin lets him, because he’s weak and he wants, so bad, and he’s too drunk. And he’s always been hard-pressed to refuse Kai anything.

“Kai,” he gasps, and Kai whimpers in response. Shameless. His hands fall from Soobin’s shoulders to wrap around his waist, palms pressing into his back, pressing him impossibly close. Soobin sees stars, just a little, or maybe it’s the alcohol talking. He thinks, blurrily, that he might actually just explode, right there, explode into fragments of heady, unbridled want. He wants Kai like this, naked and pressed together in bed with him. He wants Kai’s lips on his, wants to feel all of Kai’s skin.

Maybe he’s a little too buzzed, high from alcohol and lust, because he has no qualms about rolling his hips back against Kai’s.

Fuck.

He’s going to regret this in the morning.

But when Kai’s looking at him like this, slightly surprised but pleased, heavy lidded and dark and compelling, it’s hard to think. He doesn’t know what’s happening, how this changes things, but he knows he likes it. Likes it too much.

He’s hard.

Kai’s hard, too.

Electricity thrills down his spine, coils in his belly, and Soobin groans. Kai pitches forward, pressing his forehead against Soobin’s, breathing hard, and they set up a rhythm, pushing, pulling, rutting against each other. Desperate. Is it normal for best friends to be grinding each other in the dark? To gasp into each other’s ears, low, needy noises as they move against each other, faster, harder, too much but not enough? To — maybe, perhaps, kiss?

Kai’s staring at his lips.

Instinctively, Soobin leans in.

Close, closer, and Kai’s hips stutter, and when their lips are just a breath away, Kai says: “Wait.”

Soobin freezes.

Kai pulls away. “What are we doing?” he asks, looking scared.

Somehow, _dancing_ as an answer doesn’t seem to quite cut it.

“I,“ Soobin says, then draws to a wordless halt.

What _are_ they doing?

Kai’s drunk. Kai doesn’t know what he’s doing.

God. Soobin should know better. Should know not to take advantage, not like this.

“I don’t know,” Soobin says, helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re... sorry?” Kai says, face going blank.

“I —“ _didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable_ , Soobin wants to say, but Kai’s already turned and left, leaving him alone in the throng of messy, moving bodies.

Fuck.


	11. the soobin ticket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Promise me we’ll stay friends after this,” Kai says quickly. “Promise.”
> 
> “After...? What are you — of course we’ll be friends,” Soobin says, looking more and more perplexed. “We’re best friends, hello?”
> 
> Best friends who get turned on by each other, Kai thinks, a little half-crazed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> times are exciting and clearly my fingers are too excited because look how quickly this chap was written!!! 
> 
> we've reached a new frontier in sookai's relationship so i will be alternating between kai and soobin's pov from now on. please enjoy! <3

**Huening Kai**

When Taehyun had shouted _this is your chance! Go seduce him!_ in Kai’s ear at Yumi’s Halloween party, the last thing Kai expected was to actually, well. Succeed.

They’d separated shortly after entering Yumi’s house; Beomgyu had bumped into some of his friends from Daegu (how he has so many friends everywhere, Kai has no idea), Yeonjun had pulled Soobin with him in search of Yumi, and Taehyun and Kai had been distracted by a humongous pumpkin full of, incongruously, watermelon soju punch.

After that, everything gets a little hazy.

Kai vaguely remembers pulling Taehyun onto the dance floor, laughing and dancing with him, coloured lights shining bright through his closed lids. Remembers being compelled to open his eyes, strangely so, and the thrill that runs through him when he finds Soobin watching him. Remembers Taehyun pushing him towards Soobin and thinking: _it’s a lost cause but maybe it’ll be fun_ , _I can probably blame it on the alcohol when I fail, right?_

Wrong. On so many counts.

The first and most significant being: Soobin being far more intoxicated than him, intoxicated enough to return Kai’s... attempts at flirting. Seducing. Whatever. Yeonjun’s a heavy drinker, and Soobin always drinks more than he can handle when he’s with Yeonjun.

The second: Soobin reciprocating, two sheets to the wind, meeting Kai’s every hip roll breathlessly, letting Kai get off on him shamelessly. Everything before that might have been a haze, but Kai remembers this all too clearly: Soobin gripping him by the waist, warm and steady and devastating. Soobin grinding against him, irresistibly so, hard and mind-blowing through too many layers. Soobin gasping his name in a way Kai knows he’ll be replaying guiltily in his next few showers. Soobin leaning in to kiss him, and Soobin forgetting the most important thing — that Soobin is straight, and that Soobin has an unfortunate penchant for letting himself be seduced by anything on two legs, like that older woman in the club from way back when. Drunk Soobin is not a rational Soobin.

The third, and most devastating:

Soobin saying _I’m sorry_ when Kai finally finds the sense to pull away, sharp, panicked realisation colouring Soobin’s gaze.

At least he didn’t say _fuck you_ , or _get off me_ , or anything horrible like that.

Just _I’m sorry_.

Somehow, that hits so much worse.

“You’re such an idiot,” Taehyun says affectionately, when Kai tells him everything.

“Just end me,” Kai groans, collapsing head-first onto Taehyun’s lap. He’d found Taehyun chatting up some cute guy on one of the gazillion couches in the room, and promptly proceeded to hurl himself at Taehyun to wail dramatically at him.

Cute Guy had, very promptly, bade farewell and left. Kai would feel guilty about that except he’s already feeling a whole host of other things and he just really needs his best man no. 2 right now.

Taehyun, in true good friend fashion, doesn’t give him shit for it. He just pats Kai’s head, pillowed comfortably on his thigh. “This is _great_ news.”

“What do you _mean_ , he said _sorry_ ,” Kai repeats. What part of this awful situation does Taehyun not understand?

“He also dirty danced with you and got hard and rubbed himself all over you,” Taehyun says plainly.

“Why do you have to make it sound so gross?” Kai complains, peering up at Taehyun. Upside down, Taehyun’s nose looks even taller than it already is. It’s funny.

“It’s not my fault you guys are gross,” Taehyun says, before adding: “Grossly in love.”

“Not in love,” Kai protests, knee-jerk, and then realises too late that Soobin’s standing right there behind Taehyun, face unreadable.

Soobin looks Kai in the eyes, flicks his gaze up to where Taehyun’s hand is still in his hair, then bites his lip, looking hurt.

Hurt?

“Shut up,” Kai tells Taehyun urgently, whose mouth is open and probably moments away from spouting extremely detrimental information. “Shut. Up.”

Taehyun snaps his mouth closed, looking bewildered.

When Kai looks back up to the space behind Taehyun, Soobin’s gone.

“Fuck,” Kai says, struggling up into as much of a vertical position as he can manage, “ _fuck_.”

“What,” Taehyun says.

“He was right there,” Kai says, a bit wildly. “Soobinie. Behind you. Oh my god, oh my _god_.”

“ _Why’d_ you have to say you’re not in love?” Taehyun asks, realisation dawning.

“It’s true! We’re not!“ Kai grips Taehyun’s shoulder. “I mean, I do, but he — he’s just drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, you _know_ how he gets. Horny. And stuff.”

Right?

“Huening Kai, I’m only going to say this one more time,” Taehyun says, loudly and exasperatedly, turning and smushing Kai’s cheeks with both hands. “STRAIGHT DUDES DON’T TRY TO KISS OTHER DUDES, AND THEY DEFINITELY DON’T GET TURNED ON BY OTHER DUDES.”

Two girls titter on the couch next to theirs.

“Okay, sheesh, you don’t have to yell,” Kai says, scrambling up from the couch. “I gotta — I, maybe Soobin, oh my god, I gotta go.”

Taehyun rolls his stupidly enormous eyes at him, but flashes him an encouraging thumbs up before Kai turns around to pelt after Soobin.

There’s a thing in his heart, a big, glowing, hefty beast of a thing.

Hope.

—

**Soobin**

_Not in love._

It’s fine. It’s okay. It’s not like he didn’t already know that.

But, still, it’s a whole new level of devastating, hearing it straight from Kai’s lips.

Soobin walks away. Walks past couples making out in the dark, past friends jumping enthusiastically with each other, past all manner of costumed dancers. Crashing from the high of inebriety leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

He’s — jealous.

He hates it.

Hates the way Kai had looked so at home in Taehyun’s lap, the way Taehyun had his hand in Kai’s hair.

An ugly, green thing tears at his chest, makes itself unavoidably known.

 _Mine_.

It’s irrational, absurd. There’s obviously nothing going on between Taehyun and Kai.

His brain knows that, but his heart has a mind of its own, eats at him, distracts him from rational thought. He can’t stop replaying it, can’t stop thinking it in his head, spinning round and round and round like an endless film reel. It drives him mad.

_Not in love. Not in love. Not in love._

—

**Huening Kai**

For someone so massively tall, Soobin can also be a massive pain in the ass to find when he sets his mind to it.

“Have you,” Kai pants, nearly knocking Yeonjun over from how he’d pretty much hurtled into his back in the corridor, “seen Soobin?”

“What?” Yeonjun says slowly, looking a little dazed and out of it. Oh. He looks a little... kiss-drunk. Kai looks down and belatedly notices Yumi hanging off his arm, lipstick smudged. Oops.

“Hi, Huening Kai,” Yumi chirps, looking remarkably unbothered for someone who’s just had her make-out session rudely interrupted.

“Hi, Yumi,” Kai says.

“Soobinie? No, I haven’t seen him,” Yeonjun says, starting to sound a little annoyed. “I’ve been occupied. Obviously.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Kai says, laughing awkwardly, backing away. “I’ll just —“

He doesn’t bother finishing his sentence, just turns tail and flees before Yeonjun can murder him with the eyeball daggers he’s throwing his way.

—

Kai finds Beomgyu in the kitchen, of all places, stooped over the counter with his head in a pumpkin.

The pumpkin looks suspiciously familiar.

“Did you just,” Kai says, struggling to breathe, “ _finish all the watermelon soju._ ”

Beomgyu straightens, blinking blurrily at Kai. “Perhaps,” he says.

Beomgyu’s friends clap him on the back enthusiastically.

“I don’t suppose you’ve seen Soobin?” Kai asks, half-hearted.

“I don’t suppose _you’ve_ seen Soobin?” Beomgyu parrots.

“That’s why I’m asking you,” Kai replies, baffled.

“Oh.” Beomgyu points his index finger at Kai. “Wait. Aren’t you guys supposed to be, like, attached at the hip?”

“... obviously not,” Kai says.

Beomgyu shrugs. “Sorry, dude, can’t help you. I’m occupied.” He pats the pumpkin happily.

God, why is _everyone_ occupied?

“Okay, then,” Kai says, backing away slowly. “Thanks. Have fun with — your pumpkin!”

—

**Soobin**

The last thing he’d expected when he said yes to dragging himself into a costume and attending Yumi’s Halloween party was to end up receiving advice from the host herself.

He’s lurking by the bar, a fancy counter set up in the second kitchen he’d stumbled into, with an actual bartender and actual hard liquor. Should he order a few shots? It’s tempting. It’ll help to take the edge of rejection off, god knows he needs it, but — but he needs to have his inhibitions in check at the end of the night, when he’ll no doubt see Kai again to head home.

So, of course, someone else offers to get him a drink instead.

It’s Yumi, looking perfect as always. She slinks up to him and says: “Can I get you something?”

“Hello, Yumi,” he says, politely. “No, thank you. Where’s Yeonjunie?”

“Saying hi to my parents,” she says, ordering whiskey on the rocks. Soobin tries not to look too impressed.

“Why’d you leave him _alone_?” Soobin asks. Talking to the parents sounds like a nightmare, just by itself. He can’t imagine going it solo.

Yumi cracks a mischievous grin. “My dad wanted to get him alone and drunk, so he can interrogate him.”

“You are _evil_ ,” Soobin tells her. They settle into a comfortable silence, Yumi sipping daintily on her whiskey and Soobin staring at nothing in particular.

“Why the long face?” she asks.

Ordinarily Soobin would be a little taken aback by the boldness of her question, but at this point he’s resigned himself to being thrown curveballs every five minutes, so he accepts the question graciously and says, roughly: “Being in love feels like shit.”

She makes a noise of understanding, takes another sip before saying, carefully: “Huening Kai?”

Soobin swallows. “Yeonjun told you?”

“Yeah, sorry.” She doesn’t sound sorry.

“Can I offer a word of advice?” she says, after a beat. 

“Sure,” Soobin says hollowly.

“Being in love only feels like shit if you keep it to yourself,” she says gently. “Love is… it’s a two-way street, you know? It deserves to be known. To be shared.”

Soobin turns to look at her, really look at her. No wonder Yeonjun kept her around for so long. She’s obviously a keeper.

“That’s good advice,” he says, sincere, and cracks a small smile. He thinks about coming clean to Kai. About confessing. After everything that’s happened, it’s either that or pretending nothing had happened.

Soobin’s sick of pretending.

Kai — Kai’s an angel. So lovely. So innocent. Even if everything goes south, maybe it won’t be so bad to be rejected by Kai. Kai isn’t cruel. Kai will let him down like he does everything else: tenderly, and with love.

He gets up, suddenly glad he didn’t order those shots. “I might just take it.”

“All the best,” Yumi calls, and Soobin laughs.

—

**Huening Kai**

Kai’s wandered through what he thinks is probably the entire house and is about to give up on his Find Soobin mission when Soobin, unexpectedly, finds him.

Perhaps it’s more accurate to say: Soobin collides into him.

One moment Kai’s pushing the door open to one of the many expensive-looking bathrooms in the house and thinking _wow, all this soju and running around’s really pee-inducing_ , and the next thing he knows he has a face full of someone’s shoulder and he can’t breathe.

“Hello,” Kai says awkwardly into the shoulder, which smells very much like Soobin and Soobin’s cologne. He doesn’t need to look up to know it’s Soobin.

“Hello,” Kai feels more than hears Soobin say, his voice rumbling through his shoulder and straight into Kai’s ear.

Soobin’s steps back carefully, holding Kai by the shoulders.

Kai blurts: “I’ve been —“

“Hueningie, I —“ Soobin says, at the exact same time.

They both ground to a halt, staring at each other.

“You go first,” Soobin says, words tumbling out in a single breath.

Kai swallows.

Okay. He can do this. He’s waited what feels like his whole life for this. Oh, god. It’s a good thing they ran into each other in the bathroom because he feels a little bit like puking, and also he’s a little dizzy and might just fall over and face-plant at any moment, and wouldn’t that be so unsexy?

“Can I — can I use my Soobin Ticket now?” Kai asks, a little desperately.

Soobin blinks, looking nonplussed. “I thought you’d lost it.”

“What! I could never!” Kai says indignantly, digging into his pocket for his wallet.

“Oh,” Soobin says slowly, carefully. He’s still holding Kai by the shoulders, almost like he’s afraid Kai will jump him again. “Yeah. Of course you can use it.”

“Promise me we’ll stay friends after this,” Kai says quickly. “Promise.”

“After...? What are you — of course we’ll be friends,” Soobin says, looking more and more perplexed. “We’re best friends, hello?”

 _Best friends who get turned on by each other_ , Kai thinks, a little half-crazed.

“Promise,” Kai insists. He fumbles through his wallet, sorting through the compartments until he finds the little pocket he’d been storing his Soobin Ticket in. He slips the little piece of paper out with shaking fingers. It has a poorly drawn illustration of Tobin on it and tiny words in subtext that says “Anything you want, cutie.” It’s adorable. Soobin is adorable. And hot, and incredible, and everything he’s ever wanted and needed, and if the Soobin Ticket can give him a guarantee of Soobin’s friendship, even if everything after this goes topsy-turvy, he’ll take it.

“I promise,” Soobin says, accepting the Soobin Ticket Kai holds out to him. “What’s going on, Kai?”

“Nothing!” Kai says, a tad shrill. “Actually. I just, I, hyung, I have to tell you something —“

“Oh, great, you finally found him,” Yeonjun hollers from across the corridor, and Kai jumps. “Soobinie, Kai’s been looking everywhere for you.”

The way Soobin’s face executes a bunch of facial acrobatics is incredible.

“Oh,” Soobin says, looking at Kai. “I thought you were avoiding me.”

“Uh,” Kai says, but then Yeonjun interrupts again by yelling, very ambiguously: “go for it, Soobinie,” before giving him a tiny salute and vanishing.

What even.

“Sorry,” Soobin says, looking strangely nervous, releasing Kai’s shoulders to run a hand through his hair. Oh. This must be what Taehyun had meant when he said _rake your fingers through your hair but make it look suave_. Soobin does it perfectly. Wow.

“Maybe we should, like, go somewhere,” Kai suggests, making an abortive motion to turn around, except he doesn’t know where to go or what to do or if Soobin will even follow him.

“Here,” Soobin just says, and tugs him back into the bathroom.

It is a very fancy bathroom. There’s black marble everywhere, baby’s breath in a vase, tiny hotel-sized soap bottles on the sink and, bizarrely, a tiny pumpkin sitting on top of the toilet bowl.

Kai closes the door behind him. Turns around. Gulps.

Music thumps, muted, outside, but in the cold quiet of the bathroom, Kai’s heart thumps like thunder. Can Soobin hear it? Probably. Oh, god.

“You had something to tell me?” Soobin prompts. He’s leaning against the sink, arms folded against his chest, waiting patiently.

Kai doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He settles for crossing his arms, then uncrossing them, then eventually decides to dig his hands into the pockets of his pants.

“Yeah,” he says, breathing out shakily. “Yeah, I do.”

Outside, the music rises to a crescendo, and then the beat drops, and Kai’s heart drops along with it, he’s so nervous. He’s just about mustered up the courage to open his mouth, to say it, to tell Soobin _I really, really like you, do you maybe like me too?_ when —

The door behind him bursts open, and Beomgyu topples in.

“Oh, hi!” Beomgyu says, chipper, then proceeds to shove Kai aside and throw up all his watermelony guts into the toilet bowl. He knocks the little pumpkin over. It rolls, sadly, into the corner.

Kai thinks to himself, furiously, as he kneels next to Beomgyu and strokes his back, that he really should have locked the goddamn door.

Beomgyu’s Daegu friends stumble in, apologising profusely, and Kai takes that as their signal to exit.

“Come on,” Soobin says, taking his hand and leading him down the corridor.

Kai pretends he doesn’t blush violently.

Soobin opens the next door he finds, peeking in. “It’s empty,” he says, and pulls him in.

It’s a study. A singular lamp on the table throws the room into a warm, golden glow. Ornate, wooden bookshelves line one wall, and the study desk is impeccably neat, every stack of paper arranged perfectly in place.

Kai is half-afraid he’ll accidentally trip and throw the room into disarray. Kind of like how his brain is feeling.

Soobin hops on the table, sits there with his ankles crossed below. He looks apprehensive, lips curling a little to the side in a thoughtful expression. The lamp beside him casts him aglow, kisses every perfect strand of his tousled hair with gold.

It’s staggering, how beautiful he is.

“Scale of 1 to 10, how drunk are you?” Soobin asks, abruptly.

Honestly, Kai’s high had crashed the moment he’d crashed onto the couch with Taehyun.

“Four?” Kai says. He’s still a little unsteady, a little wobbly around the edges, but he’s sober enough to reel in his inhibitions. Unlike the Kai forty minutes ago, on the dance floor.

“Two for me,” Soobin says, and his eyes are clear.

Two.

Maybe Soobin wasn’t as drunk as Kai had thought.

That changes things.

His traitorous heart picks up in speed, knocks about his chest. Threatens to hurl itself out of Kai’s throat. Or maybe that’s just his nerves, making him queasy again.

Kai leans back against the door. Collects himself. Takes a deep breath, readies himself to say it —

“Let me go first,” Soobin cuts in.

Oh. Okay. Kai nods minutely.

“Come here,” Soobin says, spreading his arms open. Kai tries not to run into Soobin’s arms, but he doesn’t do a very good job at that.

Soobin gives him a quick hug, warm and loving, then settles his hands around Kai’s elbows. Kai realises, a little belatedly, that he’s standing between Soobin’s thighs. A warm flush floods through him, every nerve-ending, heats him up from his ears to his toes.

“Listen carefully,” Soobin says, gentle. “Don’t run. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Kai breathes. Don’t run. He can do that. He’s done with running. His heart’s beating so fast, anyway, he might as well be sprinting.

Soobin swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing. Kai stares, captivated.

“I,” Soobin says, stuttering a little, and he’s got that look again, that strange, determined expression on his face, the one Kai’s already seen at least two times, “I know we might feel differently. And — and I don’t want you to feel bad about it, or stressed, or _obliged_ —“

What is Soobin saying?

“— and I just, I really, really want you to know that I’m sorry.”

Kai’s heart hits the floor.

Kind of like the little pumpkin in the toilet. Sad and forlorn and all alone. His heart’s not beating fast anymore. It’s not beating, at all.

Soobin must know. He must have known all along, known about Kai’s stupid, ridiculous crush on him, known that Kai wants so much more than just best friends. How could he not know? Kai had made it so obvious on the dance floor, fuck. And Soobin’s apologising, letting him down gently because... because he can’t return the feelings.

Kai doesn’t run. He can’t. He’s frozen, stuck in place, broken. He can’t. He can’t.

Soobin can’t do this. Not now, not when he’s looking so beautiful, not when he has his hands cupped gentle around Kai’s elbows, thighs resting warm against Kai’s sides.

No. _No_.

Kai’s already blinking back tears when Soobin says, hushed, scared, terrified: “I’m sorry. I love you.”

Kai stops breathing. Can’t breathe.

“I’m in love with you,” Soobin continues, eyes dark, so dark, Kai thinks he can see stars. This is — unexpected. What’s happening? Is he dreaming? He must be dreaming. He must’ve fallen asleep somewhere on one of the gazillion couches, lured into dreamland by too much soju. Wow, his subconscious _sucks_. It’s like The Dream all over again, except a million times better and also a million times worse, because. It’s not true.

_I’m in love with you._

Soobin’s hands tremble on Kai’s elbows. Or maybe Kai’s trembling in Soobin’s hands, he’s not sure anymore.

Kai doesn’t want to wake up.

“What,” Kai whispers.

“I’m sorry,” Soobin says again, _why_ does he keep apologising? “I’m really sorry, about just now, when we, uh, you know —“ Soobin runs his hand through his hair again, a new nervous tic he’s picked up, when did he pick that up? Or perhaps it’s just a dream Soobin thing, and real life Soobin would never rake his fingers through his hair like that, would probably laugh at the concept, “— that was fucked up. I took advantage of — of you, and I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

For a dream, Soobin’s being awfully convoluted. Kai’s dreams are usually a lot more straight-forward.

”Advantage?” Kai asks, befuddled. “What are you talking about?”

“You were — drunk,” Soobin says, voice like staccato, and he still sounds worried. Something’s not right about that. “You didn’t know what you were doing.”

Kai laughs, completely bewildered. “No, you’ve got it all wrong,” he says, and fuck it, if this is a dream, he’s going to make full use of it. “I knew what I was doing, hyung.” Kai rises to his toes, places both hands on the table. “And I know,” he leans in, looks Soobin straight in the eye, then lets his gaze drop intentionally to Soobin’s lips, “ _exactly_ what I‘m doing.”

“Kai?” Soobin says, a little alarmed, a little hopeful, a little too much of everything.

Kai’s heart is in his throat and on the floor and everywhere, consuming him, enveloping him where he stands. Soobin’s so close to him, so close he can’t remember where he ends, where Soobin begins.

Kai leans in and kisses him.

—

**Soobin**

_Oh_.

Kai’s lips are soft, softer than Soobin’s ever imagined.

The kiss is cute, like everything else about Kai. Shy, but with purpose. A little hesitant. Lingering. Soobin chases Kai’s mouth when Kai pulls away, has to reel in the urge to grab him by the nape of his neck and kiss him hard, again and again and again, because what the fuck, what the _fuck_.

“There’s my first kiss, gone,” Kai murmurs, punctuating his statement with a short, nervous laugh.

Soobin’s hands clench tight around the back of Kai’s elbows.

“But you —“ Soobin starts, tentatively. “I thought you —“

“I’m not sorry,” Kai interjects. “I’m not sorry about anything.”

“But I thought you didn’t want to kiss me!” Soobin exclaims, deeply confused.

“What?” Kai says. 

“In LA, when, when I suggested practice kissing, remember? And you totally, like, turned me down —“

“What!” Kai says.

“Yeah,” Soobin says, words now tumbling out of his mouth at record speed, “I wanted to, so badly, I hated the idea of you kissing someone else, I just, I was so gone for you. Am. So gone for you. I thought you were disgusted at the idea of, like, ever liking me.”

For no apparent reason at all, Kai slaps himself.

“Are — are you okay,” Soobin says, concerned.

“Tell me I’m not dreaming,” Kai demands.

“I’m pretty sure you’re... not,” Soobin says slowly.

Kai blinks. Parts his lips. Says: “But that means —“

Kai doesn’t get to finish his sentence because the door slams open once again. Wow, Soobin thinks, disgruntled, the universe _really_ enjoys playing this particular joke on them, earlier with Yeonjun and Beomgyu’s interruptions and now this: Taehyun falling through the door, all wrapped up in some cute guy.

Soobin and Kai stare.

Taehyun and Cute Guy don’t notice them. They’re too busy making out.

The good news is, Cute Guy backs Taehyun into the bookshelf, so there’s a clear route of escape.

The bad news is, Taehyun’s a _baby_ , oh _god_ Soobin needs a brain bleach he _never_ wants to hear Taehyun moan like that again.

“I think we should go,” Soobin whispers frantically into Kai’s ear.

“Definitely,” Kai croaks, and pulls Soobin out of the room.

—

**Huening Kai**

They don’t get an opportunity to talk or kiss or really do anything remotely interesting between the both of them after that, because they’re immediately tasked with the burden of looking after an unconscious Beomgyu.

“You should probably bring him home,” Daegu Friend A says, depositing Beomgyu into Soobin’s arms.

“Careful, he has, like, watermelon bits in his hair, and possibly some pumpkin in his ears,” Daegu Friend B says helpfully.

“Thanks!” Daegu Friend C says, cheerfully, and then the three of them vanish.

“Well,” Soobin says, giving Kai an indecipherable look. “I suppose we should take them up on that suggestion.”

“Should — should we tell Taehyun and Yeonjun?” Kai asks, already dreading the idea of reopening the study door to who knows what Taehyun and Cute Guy from the Couch are doing inside.

“Nah,” Soobin grunts, slinging Beomgyu up over his right shoulder. “Yeonjun’s probably staying the night, and Taehyun... well, he looks like he’ll be getting some tonight too.”

The veins in Soobin’s arms pop from the strain of carrying Beomgyu.

Kai doesn’t ogle.

“Okay,” Kai says, relieved, and trots after Soobin.

—

**Soobin**

They don’t get an opportunity to discuss their life-changing, ground-breaking, mind-boggling kiss when they get home, because their manager’s waiting for them in their living room with an absolutely murderous look on his face, and proceeds to bite their heads off after taking one look at Beomgyu’s... questionably fruity state.

“I expected better from you, Soobin,” their manager says, which seems kind of unfair given Soobin has no idea why Beomgyu reeks of both watermelon _and_ pumpkin. And also, why _Soobin_?

“It was my fault!” Kai pitches in loyally. “I was the one who told him about the watermelon soju in the kitchen.”

Their manager throws an exasperated look at Kai. “I’m not talking about the _watermelon_ ,” he says. “I’m talking about being careful. You guys shouldn’t be going for parties anymore, come on. People know you’re Big Hit trainees. People also know we’re debuting a new boy band _very_ soon.”

Soobin nearly drops Beomgyu.

“Wait, like, how soon?” Kai asks.

“Like, in four months kind of soon,” their manager says.

Soobin does some rapid mental calculations. “March next year?” he says, voice cracking just a little.

“We’ll discuss that officially with everyone tomorrow,” their manager says. “We have a 9AM meeting, don’t forget.”

“Fuck,” Soobin says, then immediately plasters on an extremely apologetic expression.

“You should start watching your words too,” their manager snaps. Then he softens. “Sorry. I’m just stressed. No more partying, no more swearing — we’ll talk all this through tomorrow. Just. Go get Beomgyu washed up and go to sleep, okay? I want all of you at your best tomorrow for Bang PD-nim. Also. Where’s Taehyun and Yeonjun?”

Kai barks out a nervous laugh. “On the way home,” he says, unconvincingly.

Their manager eyes them skeptically, but lets it go.

“I wanted to talk to you personally, Soobin,” their manager says, getting up and giving Soobin a disapproving once-over. “But I guess I’ll have to wait for tomorrow. Just — don’t be late. Good night, boys.”

Their manager leaves.

Soobin lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“It’s happening,” Kai breathes, turning shining eyes on him. “It’s really happening!”

“Yeah, but first,” Soobin says, heaving Beomgyu onto the couch. “Let’s get him washed up.”

“I’ll call Yeonjun and Taehyunie home,” Kai says, grinning mischievously, and runs into the bedroom.

Soobin rolls his eyes. Typical. Kai’s always been too good at worming his way out of undesirable situations.

By the time he finishes picking chunks of watermelon from Beomgyu’s hair (in the end, Kai had taken pity on him and come out halfway to give him a hand), Taehyun and Yeonjun arrive home, singing, of all things, Christmas carols.

“I can’t believe we’re debuting so soon,” Yeonjun hoots, flinging his shoes off his feet. “This is _awesome_.”

“Was manager-nim really mad?” Taehyun asks, looking worried. He also looks half-sexed. Hickeys litter his neck and his hair’s a complete mess. Soobin’s pretty sure his shirt’s on backwards.

“Not mad,” Soobin says. “Just — disappointed.”

“He also says no partying anymore,” Kai adds.

“ _What?_ ” Yeonjun whines. “Fuck!”

“And no swearing,” Kai continues.

And, as it turns out, from a long list of rules and regulations their manager starts reading the next day as they sit obediently and pristinely while nursing horrendous hangovers in one of Big Hit’s conference rooms: No Dating.

Yeonjun makes a noise of shock.

Without his permission, Soobin’s eyes slide over to Kai’s across the room.

Their eyes lock for a second.

Kai looks… contemplative.

Then Kai’s eyes dart away, and Soobin’s left to his own anticipatory thoughts, circling round and around in his head.


	12. best friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This seems, um, a little gay,” Kai mumbles, shy.
> 
> “Thought so,” Soobin says, and leans down again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY BECAUSE 1) IT'S OUR HYUKA'S BIRTHDAY AND 2) OUR BOYS WINNING!!! 
> 
> so here's a chap full of self-gratuitous making out, please enjoy <3

**Huening Kai**

Sobriety sucks.

He’s lost all of the balls he’d magically grown yesterday, and also he still can’t quite figure out if everything that happened in Yumi’s Halloween party was merely a figment of his overactive subconscious or actual real life.

Taehyun’s no help at all.

“Yeah, you two almost banged on the dance floor,” Taehyun says, when Kai pulls him back after their meeting at Big Hit to ask him, in a harried whisper, what the fuck happened last night.

“I mean — after that,” Kai says, then gives up because Taehyun obviously hadn’t noticed them in the study at all.

Beomgyu’s just a little bit helpful.

“Oh, yeah, I vaguely remember the two of you in the bathroom,” he says. “Wait.” He pulls a face. “ _Why_ were you guys in the bathroom _together_? Ew.”

So Kai knows, at least, that being in the bathroom with Soobin must have at some point last night actually happened.

Yeonjun is plain incomprehensible.

“What do you mean, what did I mean?” Yeonjun asks, owlishly.

“ _Go for it, Soobinie?_ ” Kai repeats. “Remember? In the corridor? Go for what?” 

“Oh,” Yeonjun says. “Nothing! I don’t remember that. Go for what? Good question! Wait. You mean nothing happened between you… and Soobin… like — did nothing happen at all?”

“What are you talking about,” Kai says, going wide-eyed.

“Nothing,” Yeonjun repeats.

“There’s obviously something,” Kai says, suspicious.

“Soobinie!” Yeonjun yells, not even trying to pretend like he’s avoiding Kai’s question. “Wait up!”

Then Yeonjun runs over to Soobin, who’s been speed-walking up ahead to the dance studio.

Kai blinks at his retreating figure.

Something’s definitely up. If only he could cut through the fog clouding his memory of the night before to figure out what.

—

**Soobin**

The week after Halloween hits them like a train wreck, and it is maddeningly _impossible_ to get Kai alone.

They‘re thrown headfirst into preparations for debut. Vocal classes, dance practices, photoshoots, film shoots, line recordings, English classes, Japanese classes, Mandarin classes, variety show preparations, facial trainings, debut show interviews, regular trainings at the gym — and, most surprising of all, evaluations for the position of TXT’s leader. Their manager had pulled him aside after their 9AM meeting and told him he was a nominee along with Beomgyu and Yeonjun, and that they’d be watching his interactions with the members closely, so be a good hyung and look responsible.

No pressure.

They hear the studio version of their debut song for the first time, Crown, and it is uncannily reflective of how Soobin feels.

It doesn’t help that Kai has been unnaturally flighty since Halloween. It’s like he’s forgotten how to talk to Soobin, how to act around Soobin. One moment he’ll be laughing at one of Beomgyu’s silly antics, bumping shoulders into Soobin’s like they always do, and the next moment he’ll go all stiff and shy and bug-eyed. Or they’ll be walking back to dorm with the rest, exhausted after a full day of schedules, and Soobin’ll instinctually reach out to hold Kai’s hand, which Kai will automatically squeeze, and then the next thing he knows Kai will be dropping his hand like he’s been burnt, stammering about needing to talk to Taehyun and fleeing.

Soobin just really, really needs to talk to Kai. Alone.

The opportunity comes, rather unexpectedly, in the form of Soobin’s Most Hated Activity.

Taehyun announces after training one day: “I’m going to the gym. Anyone with me?”

Equally unexpectedly, Yeonjun and Beomgyu both agree.

Which leaves Soobin alone. With Kai. It is suspiciously too easy.

Their walk back to the dorm is spent in the possibly the most awkward silence Soobin has ever had to endure. He doesn’t try to hold Kai’s hand, though his fingers twitch a few times. Kai determinedly doesn’t look at him either, just charges down the sidewalk like his life depends on it.

Soobin’s heart flops weirdly.

When they finally return home, Kai has the strangest look on his face. A cross between constipation and nerves would be the best way to describe it.

“So,” Soobin starts, closing the front door and trying to think of a way to say _I really, really want to continue what we started the other night_ , _how about you?_ without coming across as too much. He, predictably, chickens out. “Wanna order bingsu?”

When Soobin turns around, Kai has already made himself comfortably horizontal on the couch. “Sure,” Kai says, slowly, watching him.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but something about the way Kai looks at him makes him want to — do — something.

“Okay,” Soobin says, clearing his throat.

He sits down on the couch next to Kai, unlocks his phone, and stares blankly at the screen. In his periphery, Kai starts texting someone aggressively.

Who is he texting?

Why does it matter? It doesn’t matter. Kai can text whoever he wants.

What if it’s another Nick?

No. He wouldn’t break the No Dating rule.

Would Soobin break the No Dating rule to date Kai?

God. What a thought.

Would it really be dating, anyway? They‘re best friends first, after all. Who might or might not have kissed. Who... might or might not be wasting precious alone time right now by sitting here ordering fucking _bingsu_.

They need to talk.

Soobin takes a deep breath.

“Kai?” Soobin says, putting his phone down. Kai peeks at him from behind his phone screen. “Hey, so, uh.” He scoots closer, scoops Kai’s legs up and dumps them in his lap so he can get a good view of Kai’s face. “About Halloween night.”

Kai fumbles with his phone and nearly sends it flying.

“Oh, haha, what about it,” Kai says, words tumbling into each other. He’s making that bug-eyed face again, which should really look ridiculous but just ends up looking ridiculously cute.

Soobin wants to talk. He really does. But, all of a sudden, he‘s realising how easy it is to just... kind of... lean down. Just a little. Get in Kai’s space, far away enough to be excusable but close enough to be purposeful. Close enough to hear Kai’s breath hitch, a tiny, lovely non-sound that sends all of Soobin into overdrive.

“Lemme know,” Soobin murmurs, giving Kai a measured look, “lemme know if this isn’t okay, ‘kay?”

“What —?”

Soobin curves down and presses a kiss to Kai’s pretty, surprised, parted lips.

Kai drops his phone. Soobin only vaguely registers it clattering on the ground because his attention’s otherwise completely occupied by Kai making this — this fucking delicious _noise_ , a small, shocked sound, scrabbling at his shoulders and tugging him down.

Soobin lets Kai pull him close, lets Kai gasp into his mouth. Kai unravels delightfully beneath him, responds to Soobin’s kisses with shameless enthusiasm. Yeah. Kai has always worn his heart on his sleeve, and right now his mouth is saying, wordlessly: _more, more, more._

Soobin is more than happy to oblige.

He places Kai’s legs back on the couch, repositions himself so he can cover Kai with his body and press him firmly into the softness of the couch, hip to hip, chest to chest. Their legs tangle and Soobin’s heart feels all tangled with joy. For a first-time kisser, Kai is impressive. He takes to it like he takes to everything else — with flair and infuriating ease. They’re kissing and kissing and kissing, and Kai keeps making these debauched, keening noises, and it is _so frustrating_.

They haven’t even done anything but kiss, but Soobin’s already embarrassingly hard.

He’s also embarrassingly happy.

“You’re smiling,” Kai mumbles between kisses, lips quirking temptingly, so Soobin has no choice but to pepper small kisses to the corners of Kai’s mouth where they curl upwards, the tip of his nose, his flushed, pink cheeks.

“‘m happy,” Soobin murmurs, brushing his lips against Kai’s right ear. Kai jolts. Interesting.

“Me — me too,” Kai stammers, fingers gripping the back of Soobin’s shirt. “ _Hyung_.”

Soobin stops grazing Kai’s ear with his lips. Instead, he whispers, throatily: “Is that a _please continue, hyung_ or a _too much, hyung?_ ”

“I, uh,” Kai stutters. Cute. “I don’t — know, mm, fuck.”

“Language, Hueningie,” Soobin chides. “No swearing, remember?”

“S-sorry,” Kai says, and then flat out _moans_ when Soobin gently takes his ear lobe between his teeth and nibbles.

“Someone’s sensitive,” Soobin remarks.

“Fuck you,” Kai says, without much heat, voice wrecked.

“Perhaps,” Soobin replies, contemplative, and grins when Kai’s hips jerk unapologetically into his.

“Are-aren’t you,” Kai gasps, as Soobin trails open-mouthed kisses down Kai’s ear, his jaw, the elegant line of his neck, “— supposed to be, like, straight? _Oh_.”

The last bit tumbles out when Soobin nips the soft, delicate skin of Kai’s neck. Kai tastes like sweat and the body soap they share, but beneath all that he tastes like _Kai_. Like innocence with a touch of wickedness. Like playfulness with a touch of mischief. He soothes the slowly reddening skin on Kai’s neck with his tongue and a small kiss, then raises himself onto his elbows to look at Kai.

“Does this seem straight to you?” Soobin asks, giving Kai one of his most scorching looks. Kai‘s mouth goes slack. His eyes are blown wide, hair a mess over his forehead, lips flushed and parted irresistibly. So beautiful. So enchanting. It takes all of Soobin’s willpower to tamp down the dizzying urge to peel Kai’s clothes off him, layer by layer, and have his way with him.

No. Too soon.

“This seems, um, a little gay,” Kai mumbles, shy.

“Thought so,” Soobin says, and leans down again.

—

**Huening Kai**

_That answers it then_ , Kai thinks, deliriously, as Soobin slides his mouth over his in another one of those searing kisses. Whatever happened at Halloween had most definitely happened.

And kissing? Kissing is _awesome_. Kissing Soobin is _out of the world_. Kai’s suddenly struck with intense relief that he hadn’t gone and wasted his first kiss on some random dude. Soobin was right. Kisses are gifts, and this particular gift is one he is very, very excited to give and receive.

Heat stirs in his belly, and Kai’s already so fucking greedy for more. No one told him kissing Soobin would make him feel like _this_. All spine-tingly and thrilling, like electricity. Like Halloween, on the dance floor, hot and sensual against Soobin’s hips.

Anyway.

Soobin‘s kisses are like wine. Kai wants to drink him all in, wants more. Soobin’s lips are — maddening. Maddeningly soft but also maddeningly skilled. He sets a slow pace for them, a tender exchange of alluring kisses. Kai tries to copy Soobin as much as he can, tries not to melt into a puddle of raw desire when Soobin hums, pleased and satisfied, against his lips.

Then Soobin slips his tongue into his mouth, and Kai stops thinking entirely.

—

**Soobin**

Kai is very... sensitive.

That’s one way to describe it.

Obliviously seductive would be another way to describe it, but Soobin doesn’t want to think about that, because that makes him think with things other than his brain, and that makes him want to explode with his entire being.

Though Kai makes it — very hard, when he calls his name like that and writhes his body under his like that and licks into Soobin’s mouth like _that_.

“Soobinie-hyung,” Kai keeps mumbling, in a cutesy whine that really shouldn’t do the things it’s doing to Soobin. It almost sounds like he’s begging for something. Soobin is on the literal verge of combusting. “ _Hyung.”_

What? What does he want?

“Baby,” Soobin utters, finally, wrenching himself away. “What is it?”

He immediately regrets pulling away, because the look on Kai’s face is — fuck, he’s going mad.

“More,” Kai just says, breathlessly, cheeks suffused with red. “I want more.”

More — what?

Soobin doesn’t ask, afraid of what Kai will say, just leans down again to capture Kai’s lips, gives him more of what he can. Kisses him, nibbles on Kai’s bottom lip, twines his tongue around his.

It doesn’t help.

Kai just arches into him and moans his name again, _fuck_.

Soobin is this close to throwing caution to the wind and grinding his hips down into Kai’s the way he knows Kai wants it when he hears familiar voices outside and the door knob turn.

Soobin practically falls off Kai.

“You’ll never guess what happened,” Beomgyu declares, striding in. “I‘ve broken my personal best in deadlifts!”

Soobin tries his very best to look like he’d deliberately chosen to chill on the floor. With Kai’s phone. Yeah. His own phone’s lost somewhere between the couch cushions, probably.

“Oh, wow,” Kai squeaks. Soobin chances a look up at Kai. He looks _ruined_. His cheeks are a ruddy red and his lips are kiss-swollen and there’s a small, red mark on his neck where Soobin had nipped him.

Something curls, smug and pleased, in Soobin’s gut.

“Keyword: _personal_ best,” Yeonjun teases, and yelps when Beomgyu tries to hit him.

“Just because you lift _5kg_ heavier —“ Beomgyu starts, then breaks off to squint at Soobin. “Why’re you on the floor?”

Soobin opens his mouth. Closes it. Uh.

Taehyun clears his throat loudly, says: “I call dibs on the shower,” and playfully shoves past Beomgyu.

“Wait a sec,” Beomgyu splutters, suitably distracted, and thunders after Taehyun.

Yeonjun just stands there and gives Soobin a knowing once over.

“Looks like you guys had a good workout too,” Yeonjun says, sly.

“What do you mean,” Soobin says, glaring, and tries to send sound waves of mental alarm bells to Yeonjun.

“It’s, um, the heater’s really effective?” Kai tries.

Yeonjun slowly, aggravatingly, cocks a single eyebrow at Kai.

Right.

“Hyung, I need to talk to you,” Soobin says, and pulls Yeonjun from the room.

—

**Huening Kai**

Kai takes it all back.

Taehyun is literally the best wingman ever. His questionable litmus test suggestion? Actually amazing. His unhelpful dating advice? As it turns out, extremely helpful. His plan of blackmailing Yeonjun and Beomgyu into going to the gym with him? The work of true genius.

“That’s right, go on,” Taehyun says, smug.

“You’re the best thing to ever happen to me,” Kai continues.

“That’s a lie and you know it,” Taehyun answers. “The best thing to ever happen to you is obviously Soobin.”

“Hey, don’t cut yourself down like that,” Kai says, weakly.

“Okay, what is it,” Taehyun says. “Enough with the buttering, I know you want something from me. Spit it out.”

Kai tries to give Taehyun a wounded look, but Taehyun’s having none of it. He just continues calmly packing his bag. The other members are out on their individual introduction film shoots, but Kai and Taehyun have, most unfortunately, school to attend to.

“I need you to do your magic again,” Kai says. “Not,” he adds quickly, “your magic tricks. I need you to get me some alone time with Soobinie.”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Taehyun says, rolling his eyes. “You’re insatiable.”

“What do you mean!” Kai protests. “We haven’t done anything!”

“Except make out on almost every available surface in this apartment,” Taehyun says dryly. “The number of times I’ve walked in on you two!”

What.

“Since when?” Kai gasps.

“Oh my god, you don’t even notice,” Taehyun groans.

Kai pastes a contrite expression on his face.

Taehyun isn’t wrong. Over the last week, he and Soobin may or may not have cultivated a rather... poor habit of attempting to hang out with each other, but then ending up making out instead. He doesn’t know how it happens.

It just — happens.

He’ll be casually playing Zombie Strike on his phone, Soobin munching on his latest bread craving on the couch next to him, and then they’ll somehow end up kissing. Kai suspects asking Soobin to feed him bread might have had something to do with it.

Or he’ll be in the bathroom, innocently brushing his teeth, and Soobin’ll walk in on him “accidentally”. The rest is history.

Or he’ll be in bed, minding his own business, and Soobin’ll sneak into bed with him when everyone else has fallen asleep. Kai has officially mastered the art of swallowing his moans. It’s embarrassing, how vocal he is.

Kai turns beseeching eyes on Taehyun.

“Okay, give me a time and date,” Taehyun grouses.

 _Yes_.

Taehyun’s the best.

—

**Soobin**

“So, have you guys, like, talked?” Yeonjun asks, plopping himself on the chair next to Soobin.

Soobin tears his eyes away from Kai, who’s currently getting his individual concept photos taken.

“What?” Soobin asks, a little dazed. It’s hard to think, when Kai’s styled to the nines and looking just _edible_.

Bare-faced Kai’s already stunning, so made up Kai is like. Perfection on steroids. The way he laughs at the director’s jokes and the way he coaxes the camera is both incredibly frustrating and incredibly endearing.

“Have you guys talked,” Yeonjun says. “You know. You and Kai.”

“Yeah, we talk everyday?” Soobin says. What an odd question.

“I mean,” Yeonjun says, waving a hand in front of Soobin’s eyes, “I know you told me you and Kai finally kissed, but like. We‘re not allowed to date. So what’s going on between the two of you?”

“We’re not dating,” Soobin says simply. “We’re best friends.”

“Who make out,” Yeonjun reminds. “On a daily basis.”

“... yeah,” Soobin says. “That. Yeah. We do that too.”

In his periphery, Kai blows a kiss into the camera. Soobin wants to die.

“Doesn’t that make you guys boyfriends?” Yeonjun asks.

“Well,” Soobin says. He doesn’t know what to say. Does it? “I guess we haven’t actually talked about that.”

“So you _haven’t_ talked,” Yeonjun says, sounding disappointed, which Soobin does not appreciate.

“What about you and Yumi?” Soobin asks, changing the topic. “What are you guys gonna do?”

Yeonjun sighs. “Not break up, obviously,” he says. “We’ll just have to go quiet on social media, until I can block our managers without looking suspicious.”

“Sucks, dude,” Soobin says, sympathetic. “She knows?”

“Yeah, I told her.” Yeonjun rubs a palm over his face. “She’s cool with it, but I can tell she doesn’t like it.”

Yumi’s words float through Soobin’s mind: _Love deserves to be known_.

“Yeah, I can imagine,” Soobin replies.

“Her _parents_ ,” Yeonjun continues. “They’re so mad, man, I’m screwed. And I thought I’d made good progress with her dad on Halloween.”

They fall into a gloomy silence. In the distance, Kai laughs. It’s contagious. Soobin allows himself a small smile at Kai.

“You’re so whipped,” Yeonjun comments.

“It’s not my fault,” Soobin protests. “He’s so _cute_.”

“You don’t see me giving him soppy looks every two seconds.”

“Save your soppy looks for Yumi,” Soobin says.

“You should talk to him,” Yeonjun says. “Set boundaries and shit. We’re not allowed to date, but I’ll support you.”

“Boundaries?” Soobin echoes.

“You turn 20 next year,” Yeonjun says. “He’ll still be a minor.”

Yeonjun lets the implications speak for themselves.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Soobin says, aghast. “What — I’m not gonna do _anything_ with him.”

Yeonjun shrugs, smiling mischievously. “Dunno. Better safe than sorry?"

“Oh my god,” Soobin groans.

“Use protection,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin whacks him.

—

**Huening Kai**

Apart from their increasingly frequent and heated make-out sessions over the next three weeks, nothing much really changes between him and Soobin. They still laugh at stupid dog memes, fall asleep on each other in the strangest of positions (once, they fell asleep on each other’s shoulders while sitting on stools in the middle of a shoot and had ended up sprawled ungainly on the floor, stools askew), and attempt to procrastinate as long as they can by doing Completely Necessary hour-long warm-up stretches in the gym. They still talk about everything and anything, from Soobin’s new puppy Sean to their deepest, darkest thoughts about their new choreography (uncharacteristically cutesy and way too cheery, but hey, they’re not complaining) and even about their stage personalities (“I’ll be Big Hit’s Resident Cutie!” Kai says enthusiastically, ducking away when Soobin tries to pinch his cheeks).

The one thing they don’t talk about is — them.

It’s maybe killing Kai a little on the inside.

It’s not that he isn’t euphoric about his current... extremely friendly situation with Soobin. The chances of Soobin _not_ being straight and _not_ freaking out about returning Kai’s feelings were, to the Kai of last month, close to none. So the fact that Soobin lets Kai kiss him now, and the fact that he kisses him back just as earnestly? Is unreal.

But Kai wants more.

He wants to be more than just best friends. He wants to be more than just two guys who kiss on a regular basis. He wants —

“Macarons,” Soobin says, dreamily.

They’re chilling in bed together, Kai scrolling through Twitter and Soobin reading an eBook on his phone. Soobin’s just discovered the wonders of eBooks and has since been devouring them like he devours his food (i.e. inhumanly fast). It’s very charming.

“What about them?” Kai says.

“They’re so small but they pack such a huge punch,” Soobin continues, sighing. “The protagonist just ate, like, three, and now I’m hungry.”

“We’re on a diet,” Kai says, sadly.

“Don’t rub it in,” Soobin says. “You know what I really want? A buffet. With a macaron tower. And maybe a cheese fondue.”

“And a sushi bar,” Kai adds. “And maybe pizza?”

“That’s all I ask for,” Soobin says wistfully.

“Okay, hint taken,” Kai says. Soobin’s birthday is three days away and he has, beyond arranging to get Soobin alone to himself in the dorm, absolutely no clue what to get him.

It’s embarrassing.

“Aww,” Soobin coos, “planning my birthday, are you?”

“Well,” Kai says, hoping Soobin can’t tell that his brain is echoingly empty, “that’s what best friends do.”

There’s a short pause.

“Yeah,” Soobin says, a little stilted. “Best friends.”

“Um,” Kai says, backpedaling at the speed of light. Should he have said boyfriends instead? But they’re not. Boyfriends. Are they?

“Thank you, Hueningie,” Soobin says, still sounding weird. “You don’t have to plan anything too big for my birthday, okay?”

“I want to,” Kai says, turning on his side to look anxiously at Soobin.

“Okay,” Soobin says agreeably, turning to look softly at Kai as well. “Only if you want to.”

On impulse, Kai tips forward and drops a small kiss on Soobin’s lips. A spark soars through him. Kissing Soobin never fails to make him feel all tingly. 

“You know I do,” Kai says, affectionate, and beams into Soobin’s lips when Soobin smiles tentatively against his.


	13. homing in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soobin frowns. “I’m pretty sure that isn’t how you spell “happy birthday”, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
> 
> “Hyung, you really suck,” Kai says, emphatic.
> 
> “That’s not a very nice thing to say to the birthday boy,” Soobin says reproachfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's..... done. it's finished. 🥺 surprise??? i've uploaded 2 chapters, so rmb to click next chap when you're done with this one! 
> 
> also, explicit sexual content in this chap and the next, consider yourself warned!!!
> 
> as always, please enjoy <3

**Soobin**

If Soobin had to put a date to it, it would probably be that one chaotic night too many months ago that Yeonjun had dragged him into the club and he’d ended up piss-drunk and improbably high from weed. The night had started out fun, became kind of questionable and uncomfortable in the middle, and had ended with Kai soft and comforting and lovely in his arms.

He remembers crying. He remembers Kai telling him _I love you_ , raw and honest and innocent. He remembers whispering _love you too_ , and meaning it sincerely. Too sincerely.

He regrets the month after that. The self-denial, the panic, the unfeeling insensitivity of him avoiding Kai. While he’d been coming to terms with his... sexuality, Kai had thought their term as best friends had ended.

Unforgivable.

So if Soobin had to put a date to his gay awakening — or Kai awakening — that catastrophic night would probably be it. 

And if Soobin had to put a date to the staggering feeling of falling in love, completely, definitely and devastatingly without return, today would probably be it.

“What the fuck,” he whispers.

There are roses. A macaron tower. And a birthday cake, sitting precariously and rather ludicrously on the very top of the tower. What’s that smell? It smells like lavender. Oh. A small jar of purple catches his eye. There are _lavender candles_.

“Happy birthday,” Kai says, a little nervously.

Soobin’s heart swoops. It actually _swoops_ in his chest, like a bird or a plane or — whatever. He’d laugh at himself, except he’s too busy gawking to make any kind of noise at all.

“Do — do you like it?” Kai asks, voice going a little squeaky.

“I, you, what,” Soobin says, very eloquently.

“I made the macarons myself!” Kai continues, his voice pitching higher and higher.

“ _What_ ,” Soobin says, snapping out of his stupor. “You _what_?”

“I failed, like, three times,” Kai says, starting to ramble. “You should have seen the kitchen. Actually, it’s a good thing you didn’t, because we tried really, really hard to keep you distracted. Are you surprised? Did you suspect anything? I was so worried you’d —“

Soobin strides forward, one, two large steps, and pulls Kai into a kiss.

Kai makes a small _mmph!_ noise, which slowly transitions into a happy _mmm_. Soobin takes his time, indulges in a few long, slow and meaningful kisses. If he could say _I love you_ through a kiss, this would be it.

When they part, Kai’s cheeks are red and his lips are shiny, so Soobin ducks in and kisses him again, because why not.

“Thank you,” he murmurs into Kai’s lips. “I love it.” _I love you._ “You’re crazy.” _You’re beautiful._ “How’d you do all this?”

“I had a lot of help,” Kai mumbles. “I might have panic called my sisters between the second and third failed macaron attempt.”

“ _When_ did you do all this?” Soobin asks, looking around in wonder. They’ve been swept up in a flurry of debut preparations the whole day so there’s really no way Kai could have found the time to prepare everything. Even if Yeonjun had accosted Soobin after their last training of the day and forced him to play a game of League of Legends in one of the Big Hit studios (the one with the larger monitors), that had only lasted about an hour or so. Definitely not long enough for three failed rounds of macaron-baking.

“Last night?” Kai says. “After you fell asleep.”

“Oh, _no_ ,” Soobin says. “Don’t do that; you need your sleep, I —“

“I need you more,” Kai says, blunt.

Soobin blinks. His heart does that stupid swooping thing again.

“Eat your macarons,” Kai says, bossily.

“Okay,” Soobin says, weak. The first macaron he picks is pink and crumbles a little in his mouth, but that’s okay. For a self-baked macaron, it’s actually good. Really, really good. Soobin closes his eyes and lets out a small, appreciative moan.

When he opens his eyes, Kai’s eyes are expectant and a little worried.

“It’s amazing,” Soobin says, reassuringly. “It’s —“ His tongue snags on something small and papery-feeling. Weird. He gives it a few more chews, then swallows it anyway.

“Wait,” Kai says, eyes going round. “Wait, hyung, there’s, you’re supposed to, there’s a piece of paper inside, you’re supposed to take it out!”

Oh.

What?

“Oops,” Soobin says. “Why is there... paper inside the macarons?” He’s pretty sure macarons aren’t supposed to come with paper, though it’s possible it could be one of those bizarre, newfangled trends like french fries dipped in vanilla ice cream that he just hasn’t familiarised himself with yet.

“It’s — I’m trying to, ugh, _hyung_ ,” Kai says, huffing. He’s so cute when he’s frustrated, Soobin catches himself thinking. God, Yeonjun was right. He _is_ whipped.

“Yes, okay,” Soobin says. “I’m sorry. Should I... continue?”

“Yes, finish them all!” Kai says, voice strained. “And don’t eat the papers!”

“O...kay,” Soobin says, and finishes off the four remaining macarons on the macaron tower, pulling each slip of paper carefully out of his mouth. He is Confusion™, and the papers are a little gross and soggy, but whatever, as long as it makes Kai happy.

He lays the papers down on the table. They say, completely incoherently: _MY, YOU, BE, WILL._

Soobin frowns. “I’m pretty sure that isn’t how you spell “happy birthday”, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“Hyung, you really suck,” Kai says, emphatic.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say to the birthday boy,” Soobin says reproachfully.

“You ate the _most important piece of paper_ ,” Kai wails.

“What’s that?” Soobin asks, curious.

“Boyfriend!” Kai says, throwing his hands in the air. “Will you be my boyfriend!”

Soobin... Soobin was not expecting that.

His mouth falls open in a small ‘o’.

He probably looks, like, really dumb.

Kai clears his throat, suddenly looking embarrassed. “Yeah,” he says, shifting from foot to foot. “That’s what — the papers, they’re supposed to say: Will you be my —“

“Yes,” Soobin breathes, “yes, Kai, _yes_ ,” and then they’re crashing into each other, clumsy, uncoordinated, and even if their noses hit and their foreheads knock, their lips slot together like two sides of a single coin, like two perfectly matched jigsaw puzzle pieces, like Huening Kai and Choi Soobin and everything right in the world.

Over the past month they’ve kissed desperately, and they’ve kissed shyly, but nothing quite matches up to this kiss. This is slow, but deep. Deep, like drinking from a bottomless well of all the good stuff, like floaty feelings and happiness and deep, deep contentment. Deep, like the noise Kai makes in his throat, low and sweet. Deep, like the way Soobin dips into Kai, pulls him in by the waist, presses as near as he possibly can to him. Kai pushes in as well, hard and unyielding, walks Soobin backwards and shoves him onto the couch.

“What are you —“ Soobin says breathlessly, staring up at Kai in surprise, and then goes _oh_ when Kai straddles him.

“Shh,” Kai says, roughly, and he’s looking some kind of way again, like the way he’d looked at Soobin on Halloween night, with dark intent and alluring promises.

Soobin swallows.

Kai leans in close, so close Soobin can see his pupils dilating.

“Consider this my birthday gift to you,” Kai murmurs, then bows his head to bring their mouths together in a hard, searing kiss.

This is — this is new. This is Kai with a purpose. A purpose for what, Soobin has no clue, but he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it. Kai loops his arms around Soobin’s neck, strains unapologetically close, presses long, scorching kisses into Soobin’s lips. _Oh._ Yeah. He’s enjoying this very, very much.

Kai’s tongue flickers at the seam of Soobin’s mouth, so Soobin lets his lips part, lets Kai curl his tongue around his. This is fast becoming Soobin’s favourite activity: losing himself in Kai, Kai’s scent, Kai’s embrace, Kai’s long, intense kisses. Soobin shifts a little, spreads his legs wider apart so Kai can sit flushed against him, _yes_ , _oh god_ , _yes,_ maybe he shouldn’t have done that, because Kai — Kai is a sly, conniving creature who knows an opportunity when he sees one, and he starts squirming innocently on Soobin’s lap, and Soobin is so, so done for.

“Hey,” Kai murmurs, breathing shallowly and pulling away so their lips graze each other, “s-so, lemme know if this isn’t okay, ‘kay?”

He’s echoing his own words back at him, Soobin realises sluggishly, and Soobin’s still in the middle of processing this when Kai — Kai grinds down against him. Once, twice, smooth hard rolls, _fuck, yes_ — arousal flares, and Soobin gasps, hips jerking.

“Kai,” Soobin gasps, wants to say _baby, wait, are you sure_ because they haven’t — haven’t done this since Halloween, Soobin battling his guilt and desire, but Kai just covers his mouth with his again, kisses him wet and messy and needy, whines into his lips, rocks into him. Again and again and again. Soobin can feel the curve of Kai through their sweatpants, and he wants, wants so badly to return Kai’s thrusts, wants so badly to strip Kai of his shirt, his pants, to lay him down on the couch and mark up his perfectly smooth skin, feel him naked and heated against him.

But he’s paralysed with the fear that if he starts, he won’t be able to stop until he’s chased his pleasure, until he comes apart in Kai’s hands. That’s — that’s too much. Too soon. They’re only one month into their — relationship, or whatever it was before Kai had boldly made it official, so they should probably take it slow.

Right?

“Hyung,” Kai says, low, vibrations of his voice thrumming through his body and straight to where they’re connected at the hips. “Hyung, _please_.” His voice is ragged, pleading, makes Soobin want to fly apart because he knows _exactly_ what Kai wants.

“What is it, Hueningie?” Soobin says, just to make him say it, just so he can hear it, music to his ears. “What do you want, baby?”

“I, I want —“ Kai pants, leaning down to press his face into Soobin’s neck, embarrassed — _cute_ — but stubborn. “Please, hyung, just —“

Soobin is weak. Has always been.

He grips Kai tight by the waist, rolls his hips up, lets his cock slide against the swell of Kai’s erection through their sweatpants, delicious, hot friction, mind-blowing.

“Is this what you want?” Soobin asks, turning to whisper it into Kai’s ear, so near, begging to be bitten. He does just that. Blows hot breath into Kai’s ear, licks a hot strip around the shell of it, uses his teeth and listens in appreciation as Kai shudders and keens and comes apart in his arms, grinding down against him ever more urgently, ever more frantically.

“I want —“ Kai says, voice ragged and so, so needy, hot breath fanning across Soobin’s skin, “I wanna make you feel good, hyung. Let — let me make you feel good, please?”

Fuck.

Soobin just groans in response, he’s so gone, hips rutting up hard and rapid and desperate now. Kai moans, sweet broken little noises into his neck, driving Soobin to the edge, and all of a sudden Soobin needs to see Kai’s face, needs to watch him when he comes undone, shakes apart in his arms.

“C’mere,” Soobin says, low. One hand on the line of Kai’s jaw, other hand sliding down to cup his ass and pull him insistently close. Soobin angles Kai’s face up, up, up, kisses him. Hot, open-mouthed kisses. Kai sucking sweetly on his tongue. Kai biting gently into his bottom lip. Kai rocking down into him unrelentingly, chasing his pleasure, mindless, shameless, fragmented moans.

He’s beautiful. Kai is beautiful. Every inch of his skin, every gasp and noise that drips from his lips. He’s the literal fucking light of his life, his best friend forever, and now his _boyfriend_ — Soobin’s so lucky, how did he get so lucky?

Familiar warmth coils in Soobin’s belly, in the friction between their arousals, he’s _close_ , god, he’s really about to come in his pants right there without even touching himself, fuck, but, wait, he needs to —

“Kai,” Soobin gasps, pulling away just enough to whisper it into his lips: “Hueningie. I — I love you.”

He’s said the words before, said it so many times, back when they were just friends, nothing more; said in passing, almost joking.

Soobin isn’t joking now.

Kai’s eyes snap open, beautiful brown eyes blown so dark, so deep Soobin wants to fall into them. “Soobinie, oh fuck, I’m gonna,” he gasps, forgetting his honorifics, and then his entire body goes stiff and tense, hips stuttering, and he comes with a high, wrecked moan, red flushed high in his cheeks.

It’s overwhelming, the bliss that flits across Kai’s face, the way his eyelids flutter and his long eyelashes fan prettily across his skin, the way his mouth goes slack. Kai’s hips jerk against his, broken, persistent thrusts, taking what he needs as he follows his orgasm through, and it’s _insufferable_ , Soobin’s so _close_ , just teetering on the edge.

Then Kai reaches down, fingers brushing Soobin’s erection through his pants — _oh_ — doesn’t give Soobin enough time to register what the _fuck_ is happening before he palms Soobin, wraps what fingers he can around the head of Soobin’s cock through the material of his sweatpants. It sends Soobin tipping right over the edge. He grips Kai’s hips tight in his hands, shudders into Kai’s hand, lips falling apart in a helpless groan. His orgasm comes like an explosion, stars behind closed eyes. Kai’s making these breathless, hitching sighs above him — he sounds so happy, so contented, so cute but so unbelievably erotic at the same time, Soobin is a mess.

When Soobin opens his eyes, Kai’s got an adorable look on his face, a cross between nervousness and blissed-out satisfaction.

“Wow,” is all Soobin can say.

“I love you too,” Kai says, cutely.

There’s come in Soobin’s underwear and a wet patch on Kai’s pants and everything is gross but so are his feelings. His feelings are gross.

“This is a fucking fantastic birthday gift,” Soobin tells Kai.

“Well,” Kai says, looking pleased. “That’s what boyfriends are for.”

—

**Huening Kai**

Christmas is a boisterous affair. Big Hit throws a company-wide Christmas party, invites all its staff, trainees, instructors and... BTS.

 _BTS_.

“Seokjin is so handsome,” Soobin says, dreamy, peeking over his plate of turkey at BTS, sitting over at the table next to theirs.

Kai elbows Soobin.

“You’re cute too,” Soobin coos, rubbing Kai’s tummy. The chorus for _All I Want for Christmas is You_ starts playing in the background, so Soobin uses this opportunity to mouth the lyrics very obnoxiously and very dramatically at Kai.

Beomgyu stares at them from across the table.

“Is it just me or, like, is there something going on between the both of them,” Beomgyu whispers, very loudly, to Yeonjun.

Taehyun and Yeonjun exchange a look across the table that, to Kai, looks like they’re trying to say _so who’s going to tell him?_

“Uh,” Yeonjun squeaks.

“We’re boyfriends,” Kai announces proudly.

Soobin’s ears go red.

“ _What_?” Yeonjun goes. “Why do I not know this!”

Taehyun remains unbothered, but that’s probably because Kai had spouted every single thing that happened during Soobin’s birthday to him as soon as he could, sparing absolutely zero detail, and also because Taehyun’s default expression’s normally set at... well, expressionless.

Beomgyu, meanwhile, looks like he’s going to faint.

“You guys... wait...” Beomgyu says slowly. “Are you guys joking? Is this a prank? Because I was just kidding.”

Everyone stares at Beomgyu.

“Oh my god,” Beomgyu whispers.

Yeonjun cuts in, stabbing a finger in Soobin’s direction: “You didn’t tell me you guys talked!”

“Talked...?” Beomgyu echoes.

“You didn’t ask!” Soobin says.

“I _asked_!” Yeonjun splutters. “During our concept shoot, remember —“

“Wait, why isn’t Taehyun saying anything?” Beomgyu interrupts.

“Kai told me everything,” Taehyun says, calmly. “Including everything I didn’t want to know.”

Kai didn’t think it was possible, but Soobin’s ears go even redder. At this point, they‘re almost as red as the candy canes thrown haphazardly across every table in the room and, inexplicably, on some chairs. Kai knows, because he’d been stabbed in the ass by a candy cane when he’d first taken his seat.

“ _What things_ ,” Soobin hisses, turning to stare at Kai.

“Uh,” Kai says.

Everyone follows suit and starts staring at Kai too. Mariah Carey continues crooning in the background, utterly unsympathetic to Kai’s plight.

“Nothing!” Kai says, trying for convincing and, judging by Yeonjun’s skeptical face, probably doing a very poor job of it.

“You are a bad, _bad_ hyung,” Yeonjun starts saying, raising a finger at Soobin again. “What have you done to our young, innocent baby —“

“It wasn’t my idea!” Soobin says, holding up his hands defensively. “He started it!”

“Hey!” Kai says, indignantly. “You liked it as much as I did!"

“Liked — what?” Beomgyu says, very faintly.

Kai is saved from answering by Jimin and Taehyung approaching their table.

 _Park Jimin._ And _Kim Taehyung._

Kai tries to close his mouth, he really does, but his brain-to-mouth connection seems to be faulty.

“Merry Christmas!” Jimin chirps, placing a hand on the back of Yeonjun’s chair. Yeonjun’s eyes are as round as the ball ornaments decorating the humongous Christmas tree in the middle of the conference hall-turned-Christmas party.

“Just thought we’d drop by,” Taehyung says, grinning. “Heard you‘re finally debuting next year. Congrats!”

All of them can only gawk, speechless, at the two majestic human beings who have apparently deigned them deserving enough to have their attention bestowed upon.

“I — I think they’re broken,” Jimin hisses at Taehyung.

“They can _hear_ you,” Taehyung hisses back.

“Th-thank you,” Soobin finally croaks from beside Kai.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO,” Yeonjun explodes.

“Oh, good, they’re working again,” Jimin says, pleased.

“I don’t think saying that helps!” Taehyung continues whispering from the side of his mouth.

“Well!” Jimin says, clapping his hands. They are very small. Kai can’t stop staring. “Have a great Christmas then! Don’t eat too many cookies or you’ll end up like Taehyung last year; he could barely fit into his stage outfits, we had to —“

“Ya, you —“ Taehyung grabs Jimin, smothering his mouth with a well-placed hand. “Sorry,” he says, looking rather unapologetic. “He doesn’t know what he’s saying, have a good one guys!” And then Taehyung drags Jimin away by the collar and a firm hand on his ass.

Kai stares.

“Is it normal for guys to grab each other’s butts like that?” Beomgyu asks weakly. “I just don’t know anymore.”

A vivid memory of Soobin squeezing Kai’s ass as he comes in Kai’s hand blindsides him, and Kai almost gasps.

Almost.

“Maybe they’re a thing too,” Yeonjun says, shrugging. “Who even knows anymore?”

“Maybe,” Soobin says, eyeing Taehyung and Jimin contemplatively, now seated at their table with the rest of BTS and laughing uproariously into each other’s shoulders. “Maybe.”

—

**Soobin**

Their fast-approaching debut brings along with it a whole host of surprises.

First and foremost: Soobin being selected as leader of TXT.

“But I voted Yeonjun!” Soobin splutters.

“Majority of the boys’ votes lie with you, Soobin,” their manager says, flipping through the papers on the table. “Surprise!”

“Yes,” Soobin says. “I am. Very surprised.”

And highly reluctant.

“Are you _sure_ ,” he asks, for the umpteenth time, after their manager spends the next 10 minutes trying to psyche him into taking up the offer.

“Listen, if you don’t believe me,” their manager says, obviously giving up, “just ask your members. See what they say.”

Okay. Okay, he can do that.

“Do they know?” Soobin asks.

“Yeonjun and Beomgyu know you’ve been selected,” their manager says. “We... didn’t expect you to say no.”

“I,” Soobin says, abruptly feeling awful. “Okay.”

“Okay, as in, okay to being TXT’s leader?”

“Yes,” Soobin says, blowing out a heavy sigh. “Okay to that.”

“You know, most people would be honoured,” their manager says wryly.

“I am!” Soobin says. “I am, I’m sorry. I just. Don’t know if I’m good enough.”

“You are,” their manager says. “And if you aren’t, we’ll help you. Don’t worry. We’ve all got your back; we only ask you to have your members’ backs.”

“Okay,” Soobin mumbles.

“Great,” their manager says. “Now, here’re the rules and regulations.” He slaps down a file that reads, on the very top, _HOW TO BE AN IDOL 101._ There’s a content page. And, apparently, 30 pages to read through.

“You already know some of the rules from the other day,” their manager says. “Do you remember them?”

Soobin gulps, eyes big.

“Don’t look so stressed,” their manager says, laughing. “This isn’t a test. You already passed them all.”

“No swearing,” Soobin starts reciting. “No partying, no drinking, no unofficial social media accounts, no smoking...” He trails off, one last huge rule glaring at him in his mind’s eye. A rule he’s already broken, and will continue to break. “No dating.”

“Very good,” their manager says, pleased. “Those are most of the major ones, anyway. You can find a rationale for each rule in this file, so if any of the members try to contest you, you can justify the need to uphold the rule. Okay? Got it?”

But how can Soobin possibly expect the members to follow his lead when he can’t even lead by example?

“Yes,” Soobin says, dutifully, but really the only thing that’s going through his head is:

Fuck.

—

**Note:** The next chapter's up as well! ->


	14. where the heart is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Navigating the industry as lovers in secret has its ups and downs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ve uploaded 2 chapters at once, so if you’re here and somehow missed chap 13, please hit the previous chap button! :-)

**Huening Kai**

Debuting is singularly the scariest yet most exhilarating experience Kai has ever had. His hands won’t stop sweating; it’s actually ridiculous how much liquid his palms are able to produce. First their music video comes out, then they perform their debut showcase, and then they perform their very first live music show stage. Hearing the ear-splitting screams of their fans ( _their_ fans) and the fan chants, so loud he can hear them through his in-ears — it boggles his mind.

Even more mind-boggling is them winning _The Show_ just a week after debuting, then bagging more wins on _M Countdown_ and _Show Champion_. It’s crazy. Kai sometimes still thinks he’s dreaming, hasn’t woken up from when he’d thought he was dreaming in Yumi’s study during Halloween last year.

Kwangha even texts him, one day, completely out of the blue. _Congrats_ , the text reads. _I’m sorry for what I did. I’m glad you made it._

Kai shows the text to Soobin, who ruffles his hair and says: “I’m glad you made it too.”

Navigating the industry as lovers in secret has its ups and downs. Soobin gets really touchy about being the leader of TXT but not being able to fulfil the No Dating policy, which, frankly, hurts a little, but Yeonjun whips some sense into Soobin when he snaps: “We’re not gonna decide you suck as a leader just because you‘re in love, and anyway the No Dating policy’s in place so we don’t create a dating scandal by being spotted out in public with some random girl, so rest assured no one in their right mind will ever think you and _Kai_ are banging even if you bring him out on a date because one, he’s a dude, and two, he’s a _member_ for fuck’s sake.”

Soobin blinks at Yeonjun.

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice a little raspy, and they spend the rest of the night comforting Yeonjun, whose relationship with Yumi, unfortunately, has taken quite the blow.

When they’re not in the limelight of their fans, the cameras, the ever-speculating eyes of the public, Soobin and Kai enjoy the perks of being loud and proud with the members. They set up a system where, if the urge ever arises and they _really_ can’t control themselves (to which Taehyun rolls his eyes obnoxiously, the hater), they’re to take their sexy times to the laundry room (“And, for god’s sake, lock the door,” Beomgyu says, who’d had the misfortune of accidentally walking in on Soobin and Kai getting hot and heavy against the washing machine).

On days the stylists and make-up noonas do a truly stand-up job and Soobin looks particularly gorgeous, he’ll drag Soobin into the nearest toilet after their performance, high from adrenaline and testosterone and _Soobin_ , and completely undo everything the noonas had carefully perfected.

Soobin gets really edgy whenever Kai does this, but Kai swears he gets off on it — the thrill, the risk, the danger of possibly getting caught. Even if Soobin will never expressly admit it, the way he rolls his hips eagerly against his always gives him away.

But beyond all that, beyond the glitz and the glamour and the stolen kisses, Kai finally feels — at home. Like he belongs. He doesn’t think he looks weird anymore. The fans love his peculiar features, and it doesn’t hurt to have a bit of foreign representation in a saturated industry where everyone looks, for lack of a better word, cookie-cutter. He doesn’t think he’s a rank 6 or 7 anymore. He’s one with the team, one with his members. They complete him, and he completes TXT. He loves the members, and the members love him, and this makes loving himself all the more easy — almost as easy as loving Soobin.

But sometimes, loving Soobin gets hard, too. They’re constantly worried, constantly second-guessing their actions. Is pushing the gum agenda with their fans hitting too close to home? Will the fans start to suspect? How affectionate should they act? Should they put up a front?

Eventually, Soobin talks to Namjoon about it, leader to leader, and Namjoon directs him to Jimin and Taehyung, who are, indeed, a thing. Just like them. Jimin and Taehyung go about it in a really long-winded way, both blushing and stammering incoherently, but what Kai takes away from their conversation is that they should be authentic. _Don’t worry about the second-guessing,_ Jimin had said. _They can’t do anything to you, as long as you’re careful not to do anything questionable where you can get caught_.

They stop their toilet explorations after that, but Kai’s fine with it. As long as he doesn’t have to hide his love for Soobin.

The first time they have sex is on their first-year anniversary. Kai buys Soobin a huge box of macarons, tells him there’s no way in hell he’s repeating the god-forsaken experience of failing three macaron bakes in a row again. Soobin is 20, Kai 18, and Soobin goes on a long spiel about the immorality of fucking a minor until Kai shuts him up with a kiss and a condom, tells him he needs to stop thinking so much and to just accept his birthday gift, please. As planned, the dorm has been cleared for them, so Soobin fucks Kai, slow and sweet, on Kai’s bed. Some of his plushies get inadvertently kicked to the ground. He can’t bring himself to care.

Kai will never forget the way Soobin’s broken moans fill the room, deep and guttural, the way he pushes in so carefully, with so much control, deep into Kai, the way he pulls out after and rolls his hips back in, trembling and a little less controlled. It hurts like fuck, but Soobin’s arousal is his salve, and it turns Kai on to turn Soobin on, so, really, it's a win-win. Eventually, it stops hurting, pain giving way to pleasure, Soobin’s control giving way to unrestrained desire, hips snapping wildly into Kai. Kai remembers digging blunt nails into Soobin’s back, toes curling. Remembers crying out shamelessly, drunk from ecstasy. Remembers Soobin leaning down to whisper filthy words into his ear, brazenly taking full advantage of what he _knows_ is Kai’s most erogenous zone — _you’re so hot like this, Hueningie, baby, you’re killing me, come for me, I want you to feel good —_

 _I love you_.

It’s a trigger for Kai, and Soobin is more than aware of it, the smug bastard. It’s enough to send him flying apart, jerking and spurting hot stripes against Soobin’s skin, cock smearing Soobin’s tummy — too little friction, yet still too much for him.

It takes the edge off, so when Soobin resumes he fucks into him slowly, takes his own sweet time about it. Soobin trails wet, open-mouthed kisses down Kai’s neck, bites his collarbones, licks his nipples. Before long, Kai is hard again.

When they finally shudder apart, they do so together, Soobin’s hips stuttering and losing control again. He fists Kai’s cock, gives it a few hard pumps, gasps, and then he slams deep inside, tensing up with his entire body. Soobin groans, low and stuttered and broken, and Kai comes again, spills all over Soobin’s large, large hand.

“I never told you why I stopped talking to you last year,” Soobin says later, when they lie spent and contented in bed together. They’d tried their best to clean up with wet wipes, but coaxing themselves out of bed and into the shower had proven too much of a challenge.

“Oh,” Kai says, a little sadly. Thinking about The Month is always hard. “Why?”

“I’d realised I was in love with you,” Soobin says, carefully. “And I freaked.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Kai says.

“I know I’ve apologised, like, a billion times,” Soobin says. “But now you know, so let me apologise again.”

“You don’t have to —“

“I want to.” Soobin wraps an arm around Kai’s waist, tugs him in close, places a warm hand on Kai’s bare stomach. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Kai says. “Like, for the billionth time.”

Soobin draws their mouths together in a sweet, tender kiss.

“I guess I should tell you too, then,” Kai says. “Who I’d really been dreaming about, back when we were still trainees.”

Soobin grins slowly, starts looking all smug and knowing.

“Yeah, okay, never mind,” Kai says.

“No, no, sorry,” Soobin says, looking repentant. “Who?”

“Ugh,” Kai says. “You, duh.”

“Yeah,” Soobin says, smirking. “Thought so.”

“I’m about to punch you,” Kai informs Soobin.

“With your lips?” Soobin says, hopefully.

“ _No_ ,” Kai says, swatting Soobin’s stomach.

“Ow!” Soobin says, laughing, catching Kai’s hand with his own. “That dream — that was such a long time ago. When was that? Like, two years ago?” 

“Yeah,” Kai mumbles.

“And... one year before we kissed,” Soobin says. Kai can practically hear the gears in his brain whirring. “ _One whole year_.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Kai teases. “Maybe a little less.”

“Okay, fine, like 10 months,” Soobin says, rolling his eyes. “You pined after me 10 months, baby?”

“You’re no better,” Kai tells Soobin.

“Maybe a little bit.”

“You tried to bring me out on a _date_ ,” Kai gasps, realisation suddenly hitting, “on my birthday last year!”

“What date?” Soobin teases.

“The one with the fancy dinner in LA! And the observatory! And the stars!”

“Okay, you got me,” Soobin says. “Took you long enough.”

“You know what?” Kai says, curling up against Soobin. “You’re right. It really did.”

“Yeah,” Soobin says, sounding thoughtful. “I’m glad we figured it out.”

“Me too,” Kai says, breathing in deep, relaxing into the familiar, comforting smell of Soobin. “Hey, hyung? I love you.”

Kai doesn’t have to look to know Soobin’s smiling. “I love you too, Hueningie,” Soobin replies, dragging out the first syllable in the same teasing way he used to when they’d first met, and Kai closes his eyes, smiling.

He’s finally found where he belongs.

He’s finally home.

**End.**

**Author's Note:**

> a huge, HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who's encouraged me! this has been a looooong journey and i certainly couldn't have done it without you guys!!!
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoyed reading this, and i truly enjoy reading your comments <3
> 
> p.s. i’ve uploaded two chaps at once (i apologise for any confusion) so if you’re here without having read chap 13, please hit the prev chap button!!!


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